Zelda Vs. Escaflowne

by The Super Cat

Author's note: This is my first attempt at a humourous fanfic, so I'm sorry if it sucks. (Although I hope it doesn't.) If the combination of Esca and Zelda seems odd, well, I was really bored when I wrote it. Enjoy ; )

Princess Zelda and Link the first were sitting in Hyrule Castle courtyard. Link was fumbling around with his ocarina, and Zelda was trying not to slap him. The sound was atrocious. She interrupted his session. "Link, I don't think I've ever heard you use profanity."

"What's that?"

"I've never heard you swear."

"So what?"

"I dunno, just curious. I mean, most normal men swear all of the time."

"Are you saying that I'm not normal?"

"No. I was just curious."

"Yeah right." Link grumbled. He blew on his ocarina extra hard, because it would piss Zelda off. Zelda thought her eardrums were about to pop. She raised a fist to smack him a good one, when there was a loud crashing noise. Out of the sky fell a huge guymelef. It landed in the courtyard with a crash. Link jumped up and ran over to the huge machine. He drew his sword. "Who in Hylian hell goes there?!" he yelled. Smoke rose from the crashed melef. Two figures emerged from the dark clouds. "I am Van Fanel, King of Fenalia, and this is my lady lover, Hitomi the moron."

"What the !@#$ is that thing?!"

"It is my guymelef, Escaflowne."

"Esca what?"

"It doesn't matter. By the way, who is that foxy creature behind you?"

"That's Zelda, my overly dressed lady."

"Link, I'm not your lady!!" Zelda yelled. "Van, that boy's wearing a skirt. Is he gay or something?" Hitomi asked. "I'm not gay, you ^%#%#!!!" Link yelled. "Yeah, he's not gay!!" Zelda said.

"I'll bet he is." said Hitomi.

"You wanna take me?"

"Let's go!" Zelda and Hitomi leapt at each other and began to fight. Link looked at Van, and Van looked at Link. Link sheathed his sword. Van and Link sat on Escaflowne and watched. "Wanna make a bet?" asked Van.

"What the &$%*. My money's on Zelda."

"I've got Hitomi."

"Deal. Winner gets Zelda and 500 rupees."


"Hey, Hitomi's a pest, can I slap her after they're done fighting?"

"Be my guest." Link pulled a flask out of his tunic and took a swig. He offered it to Van, and they got drunk as they watched. Zelda zapped lightening at Hitomi, and Hitomi dodged. Zelda tried to tackle Hitomi, but she ran out of the way. Hitomi fell on her butt and didn't see Zelda charging up another attack. "Hitomi, look out!" Van yelled. Link jumped up and threw down his flask. "Hey, no interference! The bet's off!"

"You're mine, elf boy!" Link pulled out his sword and started to hack at Van, who pulled out his sword and started to hack at Link. They stumbled around drunk, mostly chopping at bushes. Hitomi and Zelda stopped fighting. "Wanna make a bet?" asked Zelda.

"You're on."

"My bet's on the bushes."

"I've got Link."

"I say the winner gets an hour with Link. Then thirty minutes with Van. Then an hour with Link. Then-"

"OK" Zelda picked the flask up off the ground and took a long drink. "Save some for me!" Hitomi said. "Why do I get the feeling you're a liquor sponge?" asked Zelda.

"Because I am."

"Oh. OK. Have at it." Hitomi tipped the flask back, but she found it was empty. She chucked it into the bushes. "You drank the last of the liquor! I'm gonna bite your pointed ears off!"

"Bring it on, slosh bucket!" Zelda and Hitomi started to fight again, when there was a low rumbling. Out of the sky fell Mario and Luigi. All four stopped what they were doing and stared at the short newcomers. Luigi and Mario shrugged and joined into the fight, plungers ready. Rauru the sage of light showed up and tried to make them stop. They stuck a plunger on his face and shoved Hitomi's tarot cards in his ears. Rauru left and took Hitomi with him. She wasn't missed. When Hitomi was gone, no one found any more reason to fight, since she was the one who started it all. "Hey, thank whoever that ugly guy was for getting rid of Hitomi," Van said, "she wasn't good for much more than making out."

"Helping people is our duty, here in Hyrule."said Link.

"Ha! More like helping yourselves!" grumbled Zelda.

"Is something bothering you?" asked Link.

"I saw the way you looked at her!"

"Can you blame me? Maybe I'd look at you that way if you'd wear a short skirt every now and then!"

"Are you suggesting that I dress like a hooker?"

"Well..." Zelda slapped Link. "Excus-a me-a, if-a I-a might-a interrupt-a..." said Mario.


"Well-a, Luigi-a and I-a haven't-a been-a on-a date-a in-a so-a long-a, would-a you-a be-a interested-a in-a going-a out-a to-a see-a the-a movie-a American-a Pie-a with-a us-a..."

"Ooh! That was a sick movie! Blegh! I'm never going to band camp, and I'll never go on a date with you or your brother, you nasty little man! Stick to Princess Toadstool!" Mario and Luigi were so offended that they stuck a plunger on Zelda's face and left. Rauru then materialized and kidnaped Zelda. He had decided to take over the role of evil bad guy since the job was open. It payed really well and looked great on his resume. "What in the name of flying cows?!! Zelda's gone! Now who am I gonna get to spend the nig- uh, I mean my quality time with?!!" Link said. "Hey, if we go find her, and I help you, can I spend some 'quality time' with her?" Van asked. Link scratched his chin. "Hmm... on one condition, ya gotta pay me!"

"What a rip! I am a king, not a commoner!"

"Hey, supply and demand, man."

"Ugh! Fine. Where do you suppose he took her?"

"Probably his favourite place..."

"And that would be?"

"The Goron Bar? No. The Zoron Slushing Lounge? No. He only drinks excessively on every other day... I bet he took her to the fishing pond."

"The fishing pond? Hasn't that guy ever been on a date?"

"I heard a rumour that he did once. It went so badly that he became a sage and swore off women. Of course, I'm not sure he really meant it... Hey, I just remembered, I'm missing my soap opera. You wanna save her after Super Hylian Pro Wrestling is over?"

"I think we have something similar in Fenalia. It's called Guymelef Smackdown. Yes, I think I will join you." They went into the castle and joined all of the soldiers in the sitting room. All activity had halted to watch Super Hylian Pro Wrestling. Meanwhile, Zelda and Hitomi were at the fishing pond. Rauru was trying to catch a fish, and he wasn't having any sort of luck, so he torched all of the fish and the pond with it. (Including that damn loach.) Hitomi and Zelda were tied up behind the counter with the owner of the pond. He was begging them to scratch his armpit. Both were disgusted. "Where in the name of hell and is that vagabond?!" Zelda grumbled.

"What's a vagabond?" asked Hitomi.

"It's what Link is."

"Oh, I see." Rauru came over. "Hey, do you have a TV in this place?" he asked the owner. "Yeah, over there. Why?"

"Because I just realized that Super Hylian Pro Wrestling is on."

"Oh, that's my favourite thing on the TV!! Can I come and watch it with you?"

"Sure, but you have to stay tied up." Hitomi and Zelda were left sitting behind the counter. "Men suck." said Zelda.

"You've got that right." said Hitomi.

"They should all die."

"From their small brains."

"Yeah." Back at Hyrule Castle, Super Hylian Pro Wrestling had just ended. Link and Van warped out to Lake Hylia. They ran into the fishing pond to find Zelda and Hitomi. "Where were you?!" screamed Zelda. "Hey, it was tough. You see, we ran into traffic on our way through-"

"Shut up! I know where you were! Now stop it with the excuses and save us!" Link nodded, knowing he was going to get yelled at later, and would probably have to sleep at home tonight. He drew his sword. He and Van rounded a corner, and there was Rauru, watching the TV with the owner of the fishing pond. "Rauru, I have come to-"

"SHHH!!" Ruaru and the owner shushed Link. "They're showing two hours of wrestling today!" they said. Link and Van sat down with them to watch. "Ya know Rauru, you're not so bad. Maybe you can have Zelda for a while." Link said. "Yeah, and you can keep Hitomi forever!" said Van. Zelda and Hitomi overheard, and decided that enough was enough. They untied themselves and warped back to Hyrule Castle. They got in Escaflowne and went back to Fenalia where they began the "Reign of Woman". All of the men in Hyrule died because they spent all of their time watching wrestling and forgot to eat.


Epilog: Mario was kicked out of the castle in Mario Land by Princess Toadstool because she got word that he asked Zelda out on a date. (Zelda is her arch-rival.) Mario Land is now also under the "Reign of Women". Luigi still remains unrightfully obsolete. It is rumoured that he is "The Masked Italian Strangler" on Guymelef Smackdown and Super Hylian Pro Wrestling.

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