Let's Ask Zelda!

By Miriam

Part One

It’s a teenage Zelda! They tried to cover up the fact that she’s a complete airhead and that her main concern is what shade of nail varnish to wear next. Of course, I, being some weird detective, uncovered the truth!!!

In this short briefing of a day of her life, she: doesn’t even have a clue that she set Link on his adventure, robbing him of his childhood, discusses Impa’s sexuality and practically manages to kill off Link which would result in Hyrule being conquered and no internet service!



Ok, ok, so I’m sitting in my room, painting my toenails (I thought gold would look pretty good, I want to be all metallic chic) When all of a sudden Impa bursts in completely out of breath before wheezing:

“P-princess…the Hero has reached the Forest! It is time for you to teach him the song! You must hurry! He’s very weak, a moblin nearly took off his leg and Ganon had some dark monsters chase after him for hours across Hyrule!”

I sighed. Why did EVERYTHING have to happen to ME?! This sad little boy is always turning up somehow, inconveniencing me! He sneaks into my garden, like he’s worthy of setting his eyes upon me. I remember I’d had this wacky dream before then. Impa gave me some tranquilizers to calm me down so I think I told him about the dream for some retarded reason. I was high! I think I remember actually asking him to help! Well it’s not like he listened or anything so never mind. It’s hardly affected his life has it?

“Ok…give me a second,” I called, turning my attention to my nails.

“Oh, and another thing, you’re going to have to disguise yourself. Some court order apparently.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Well your father heard some little girls talking about how you two should get together, but he was hoping he would marry your cousin, Imelda-“ (Ugh, complete hog face)-“So he had the girl’s executed and a restraining order against you two.”

“Well that’s great, so I don’t have to go?” I asked hopefully, my nails would take the whole afternoon!

“Well, you need to teach him the song, another court order, sooo we can just disguise you, hmm?”

“Who am I supposed to disguise myself as?” I shrieked. I was planning to seriously spruce myself up when I next saw him. I really wanted to make him bitter and long for me when I next saw him, show him how hot I was. Damn Impa! What did she think the nail varnish was for?

“Well…Maybe disguising you as a member of the Sheikah tribe wouldn’t be too shabby?” She suggested, long lost memories of being some crazy ninja throwing deku nuts in people’s faces flashing through her eyes.

I rolled my eyes.

“Impa, that’s all you ever think about. If you love the Sheikah tribe so much, why don’t you resign and set up a museum instead of trying to dress me up as an ancient, moldy old coot who plays a little piece of wood with strings?!”

I guess that’s what made her snap. She was a bit protective of her stuffy old heritage.

“WEAR THESE!!!” She roared, pushing me against a wall and shoving the clothes at me, her mouth foaming and her red eyeballs bulging. I, however, stayed cool and said:

“Sure, whatever. What’s my name going to be?”

Suddenly she retreated, causing me to fall onto the floor and SMUDGE my nail polish. Her eyes glazed over as she looked into the distance.

“Sheik.” She said simply. I rolled my eyes again. Like that wasn’t obvious…! She saw my skeptical expression and she started to look a bit scary again.

“He was my first love, I’ll have you know!” She snapped edgily. I was a bit surprised.

He?!...aren’t you-?”

“LEARN HOW TO PLAY THIS WITHIN THE NEXT TEN MINUTES!!!” She screamed, pulling a harp from behind her back and throwing it at my face. Luckily I ducked and it hit the portrait of my dead mum. Phew…that was close! I thought. I picked it up gingerly.

“She wants me to learn how to play this? With what freaking music?” I said to myself incredulously. To my relief, and discomfort, she was listening at the door and I saw a piece of paper being shoved through its bottom.


It was quite a bit of music! I could see the first piece, with the title:

Minuet of Forest- Sacred Forest

Again, obvious.

Sooo I set to work, but started to scream as I broke a nail! Oh my GOD do you know how rarely I can have pristine nails?! With all this freaking magic I have to use they’re CONSTANTLY getting chipped!!!

“CARRY ON YOU SPOILT BRAT!!!” Impa screamed from outside. I muttered grumpily and carried on. This wasn’t fun.


EVENTUALLY I had the song pretty much sorted. So with a sigh and a good luck from Impa, not to mention a death threat if I showed up the Sheikah tribe, she threw a deku nut at me (Wow…totally new, I’ve never seen THAT trick…!) and I found myself standing behind that weird gawky kid- oops my mistake, now a bit of a hotty! He was just staring at a tree stump.

Uh-oh. Maybe whatever he’s doing is getting to him a bit. I thought to myself. Actually, what IS he doing? Cos I get all these letters from him saying:

“Hey Zel (Zel, how “hip” can I NEVER get a “your majesty”?!), I’ve finished up inside the fish’s belly, I had to feed it some fish though, and this Zora came onto me and said we’re engaged! Can humans marry fish?. Anyway, I have the stones now.”

I’d assumed he meant kidney stones. Apart from that, I thought he just got as high as I was on those tranquilizers and sent people retarded mail! I assumed he was on some random vacation.

“Um. Hi.” I said. He spun around and looked at me shiftily. He drew out his sword but I just looked at him like “Oh yeah, cos THAT’S gonna help you.”

He lowered it warily.

“Well that was a nice little greeting.” I said lazily. I then realized that I didn’t sound a lot like a bloke so I tried to lower my voice. “Um…sup, dawg. Look, I’ve come to tell you that…” I pulled out a note from my pocket that Impa had written. “Ahem. ‘Hero of Time’-Hero of time? What the heck kind of title is that?” I said. The guy just looked at me. The strong and silent type hm? Or maybe just weedy and boring. I raised an eyebrow and carried on.

“‘You have skipped seven years of your life’- What, were you in a coma or something?”

Silence again.

“…ooook. ‘And now you must travel even further through the forests of truth, the flames of destiny, the whirlpools of wisdom, the secrets of the departed and the vibes of the- oh whatever, listen, I’ve got to show you this song if you wanna get back here in case you chicken out, but you’d better not. I dunno why you’re here or anything, but it seems like it’s important to the whole of Hyrule and it’s your destiny!!!...or whatever, so Hyrule better not go up in flames or- or lose its telephone service ok? PLUS it’s the prom soon and there’s no WAY I’m missing THAT!”

Suddenly I sounded like a gay guy and from what Impa says…they probably don’t like gays.. (Except for Impa) He looked at me weird again. SHEESH! I mean talk about condescending!

“Aw jeez…” I muttered to myself, and picked up the harp. The next few minutes were slow and painful.

“Ok…” I breathed, holding the harp a little wonkily.


“Oops- just let me-“


“Just needs a bit of tuning, I-“


“It’s my first performance so-“


Oops….I thought to myself as I looked at the broken string. I sighed and turned to the boy, who was holding his little crappy instrument that I wouldn’t look twice at in a store. He had it paused in front of his mouth at the ready. What’s so special about that piece of…actually, what ARE ocarina’s made out of?!

“Umm…Oh FOR DIN’S SAKE!” I burst out. “Look, the whole harp idea is just for the atmosphere and the cinematic appeal ok! What’s the difference if I just sing it? Ok, it goes like….LA LA LA LAAAA LALALALA LA. You got that?”

He just stared at me and tootled out a little tune that was completely different from mine. Retard. Suddenly this little…thing with wings popped out from behind him and squeaked:


The guy shook his head so hard his hat fell off; he had turned marble white and was sweating.

“Oh GOD yes! Just bloody well take him away would you???” I said to the fairy for him, completely bored of this whole situation; the sooner he left, the sooner I could re-polish and file my nails.

As the little pixie thing wooshed him out of site as the guy yelled in protest. I mocked waving him goodbye and found a deku nut. Before I knew it I was back in my bedroom, my nail varnish perched on my window sill, ready for use. I had just run across to it, crying out my love for it when suddenly someone burst through the window, knocking my polish to the floor! The molten gold liquid spilled across the carpet and as the glass shattered I felt my heart follow- too corny, ok- it, like, totally went EVERYWHERE!!! I screamed and looked up at the culprit.


END OF PART 1! =] har har


By the way folks, I own none of the Characters mentioned. Anymore.

Stupid Social Services…see you in part 2! MWA big hugs!





Part Two (IMMENSELY Sorry for the Delay..what has it been, a year?!)

"YOU" I shrieked, pointing my poor nail varnished orphaned finger at that annoying mute whose kinda hot but has a weird attatchement to a hat...PINK! That's his name. I think I have a few of his albums..maybe he'll sign some...So yeah, he smashes through my window and ruins my nail varnish and expects a warm welcome? Although he looked kind of rugged- not to mention half dead since I sent him to that ASBO Ganon's house- and handsome just standing on my window sill, looking angry in a sexy kinda way with scars all over him.

I forget why I'm angry at him...he...did he insult my clothes? Did he...hsnmjtsk...

That was my brain melting at his appearace, the rugged, handsome and sexily angry one. My finger wagging came to a halt as I stood staring at him, my mouth hanging open loosely, not my most alluring look I admit.

"You..." I repeated, just staring at him. His angry expression turned into a confused one,  "Hey you..."

Are you ok? He asked with his eyes, because he was STILL a weird little mute. This put me off a bit, strong and silent was not a man's forte in my book! Not that I read...tch!

"I'm fine, just wandering what you're doing here, you wanna autograph or something?" I yawned, bored by his prescence. He raised an eyebrow looking slightly miffed.

"Oh! I sent you to Ganon's Crib didn't I...how'd that go?" I asked, grinning toothily. He looked like an agitated bull by this time. I smiled apologetically and shrugged hopefully, expecting him to swoon, grovel at my half varnished toenails and beg my forgiveness for just turning up without an email. But I just got him angry again.

He looked at me, as if to say Apology not accepted, your highness and I hate your dress! Which is a hard look to acheive. I stared at him for a second, and clutched my skirts defensively.

"Y-you don't like my dress?" I whispered, astounded. He nodded bitterly.

"And this is coming from the guy in tights?" I started to laugh at him. He turned red and pounced down from the window sill. He stood like a little child and howled out:


I stood and stared for a second.

"What are you- like, a Chronic Narcoleptic? And who the hell dressed you, Peter Pan?"

"Actually, it was Rauru, the sage of light." He corrected me stonily, lacking dignity.

"Huh." I said, "Then how come he didn't dress you in a huge dressing gown like his?"

"Look this isn't the point! I've come here to...well I don't know, make you feel bad about nearly KILLING me!!" He yelled, drawing and pointing his sword to my chest.

I raised a perfected eyebrow. I mean, I'm not impressed. If he wants to make me feel bad, why not just cut up my credit card. Although I'm not stupid enough to give him that idea, I'd rather take the sword thanks.

"Cut up your credit cards!?" Oh FRICK! Did I just say that out loud? Being a Bimbo requires constant concentration now Impa's on a date or something.

"NO! I was being sarcazic!"

"You mean sarcastic?"

"Duh." My cheeks burned. Suddenly this huge bright thing popped out from behind him.

"JUST SNOG HER AND LETS GO! I GOTTA USE THE TOILET!!!" It bellowd in a voice surprisingly low for such a little thing. It'd look cute as an accessory. But not for a guy.

"How much for the floaty thingy with the bad mood?"

He looked as though I was an angel. Of course, I am so it didn't surprise me as it might surprise you. You're looking a little…off today.

"Anything, she's free!" He choked, before the blue thing smashed into his head.

"DON'T YOU DARE GIVE ME AWAY!" She (apparently) screamed, but she was already in a cute little jar. I put her by my bed.

"She could make a good night light." I thought aloud, as she bounced around in fury.

"Well I'd better be off." This guy said hastily. RUDE! I mean, I just took this warped stress-ball off his hands and he bolts! He could at least snog me like she suggested!

 "What? As the princess of Hyrule, I totally demand you to-"

"Princess?! You're a guy! I thought you just broke in here and were painting your nails because…you're a whoopsie?"

"A GUY?!?!" I screamed, not unlike Impa, "What are you talking abo- Oh."

I was still wearing the stupid costume.

"So…you're Zelda?!"

"Well, yes." I said smugly, "Like, totally bow down if you must, squire."

His face lit up like I was handing out free triforces, "It's me, Link!"

Oh shit!  I knew I recognized him from somewhere!

"Oh…hey, Link." I said, slowly edging away from him.

You see, me and Link met up once- I think I mentioned it already- he snuck into my garden, PEASANT- and I asked for his number. I was a little bored. He's not really my type. Blondes shouldn't go for blondes and he had a kind of violent streak. Anyway,  he told me to call him and well…

"You didn't ever call me…" He said sadly, but soon it turns to, like, total accusation.

"How come you never called me?" But I totally thought quicker than him- I know- like, total revalation!

I snatched his ocarina and managed to tootle out some weird tune. The night light screamed through the glass:




 And they were gone , leaving behind a bit of fairy dust. Pretty.



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