Chapter 5: My God, she's HUGE!!
Well, after stickball Link totally forgot about trying to find out where babies come from(for now). We all know about Link finding the stones, pulled the Master Sword out and fell into a deep sleep for about seven years and learned he had to find and awaken the other Sages so we will skip that part.
Link entered Lon Lon Ranch. He hasn't been there for years. He looked over and standing there, in a french-tailored suit was....Ingo??? (I'll skip the part that described about how he raced Ingo and won Epona) All of a sudden a beautiful red-headed woman walked over towards him. Link stared at her and started to breath heavily.
"Ma-Ma-Malon" he tried to say but his voice kind've cracked a bit.
(Hmmm, I wonder how I would be at writing a romantic Zelda story?)
"Link... is that you?" she questioned, smiling. He shook his head as he pulled off his cap. "I knew I saw you somewhere, Fairy boy. Thank you SO much for saving the ranch and Epona. I know you will take good care of her," she said in a warm voice. Her long dress flowed with the wind as she walked up to him. Her soft green eyes met his evening blues as she gave him a gentle hug pressing her small, slender body firmly against his firm, lean muscles. The muscles of a well-practiced swordsman. She kissed him on the cheek. Her soft lips felt so good. His hand behind her back reached and felt a lock of her fiery red hair. Other thoughts began to race through his head as Malon(Ahhh screw it, I'm going back to writing this story as a silly fic) stepped back and went back to do her chores. Link stood there for a moment and looked down.
"I think I'm allergic to Malon," he said as he looked down and there was a bulge in his tights.
"Does it hurt?"
"Not really, but it feels a little ridged. Maybe I should put ice on it later."
"Well, we better go to the Spirit Temple now that we have the Silver Gauntlets. Maybe it will go limp after being away from Malon."
"I hope so," he said as he got on Epona and rode to Gerudo Valley.
He had just gotten back from a funeral. His friend Lord Merddock's daughter, Rose had died from the Kakoriko Village fire (they moved there after Ganon took over Hyrule Castle). The day was almost over as Link and Epona rode towards Gerudo Valley until when Link got there, there was no bridge to cross.
"Sorry girl, looks like you'll have to stay here," he said as he dismounted and fed Epona a carrot. "Navi, anyway of getting across?" asked Link as Navi flew around him.
"There is a wooden sign over there, try using your Longshot."
Link nodded as he pointed the Longshot and fired. Link walked across the dry landscape. It was quiet, too quiet and he didn't like it. He drew his Master Sword out. He saw something flash by him and disappear. He looked down and saw a fresh footprint and knew he wasn't alone. Link turned around and all of a sudden 15 Gerudos ambushed him on horses. One fired an arrow at him and before he could repel it with his shield it already hit him on the arm. He pulled it out and looked at the tip. It was dipped in some sort of poison, Link's vision grew hazy and soon he couldn't support himself and fell.
Link opened his eyes and realized he was no longer in a wasteland but in a dungeon. His arm was swelling up badly. It had to be Dasenburg's disease. First you grew sleepy, then you begin to swell up like a balloon and then you die an unpleasant death.
"Navi, where are you?" he said as he looked around.
"Can you heal my arm before the disease spreads?"
"I can try" she said as she glowed a soft pink. It was a strong disease so it took alot of magic but she managed to cure Link.
"Thank you, but how are we suppose to get out of here?" All of a sudden a masked figure walked up to the edge and dropped a rope, it was Shiek. Link didn't hesitate and soon he was out of his cell. As soon as he reached the top, Shiek was gone. Link and Navi snuck out of the base and soon they were in the desert. On the way Link went over to a local man on a flying carpet to buy some Bombchu. After following a Poe and traveling through a sand storm they made it to the Desert Colossus they heard some moaning and groaning.
They headed straight towards it and saw a Gerudo laying down clutching her beachball stomach.
"What's wrong with her?" asked Link to Navi.
"I don't know. Do you think it's contagious?"
"Help me PLEASE!" she said as she groaned somemore.
"What do I do?!" Link paniced.
"Get a dish of water *uggggghhh*, HURRY!" Link did as he was told even though he had no clue what was going on.
"Now stand over in front and help me." Link did that but had his eyes closed and his head turned away.
"Why are you doing that?!" said the Gerudo.
"Because you are not wearing anything under that long shirt."
"And I want to respect your privacy."
"I don't care, so you might as well get use to *uggghhh* and tell me when you see something."
Link turns his head and watches and watches....still watching.... and basically watches somemore.
Three hours and five coffee breaks later....
"LINK LOOK, WHAT'S THAT?!!" shouted Navi as a hand popped out.
"MY GOD ITS A DEMON!!!" he said as he rose up and drew the Master Sword.
"PUT THAT DOWN YOU IDIOT!! IT IS NOT A DEMON, ITS A BABY!"
Link was shocked. "You mean the stork hatched the egg and the troops are coming out of that little hole?"
The Gerudo gave him a sour look. "What the HELL are you talking about, don't you know where babies come from?!"
"Ummmm... not really, I kind've skipped puberty."
The hand was still in its place, the baby was obviously stuck.
"*uggghh* Rick or whatever your name is, take your fingers and help me get this baby OUT!!!!" she shrilled as she kicked her legs while laying on the ground.
Link took off his gauntlets and tries to pull it out (gently). Link was about ready to toss his lunch he had earlier but then all of a sudden he heard some crying. And there he was holding the miracle of life. His heart just melted as he smiled at it. He handed it to the Gerudo who was sweating heavily from the labor.
"Awwwww she is just soooo cute," complemented Navi as she held its finger.
"What are you going to name it," asked Link as he held the baby.
"Katalina,"she said as she held the child.
Link stayed there with the Gerudo and her child until morning. Link woke up and discovered the Gerudo was gone and left Katalina behind. He was shocked, he couldn't understand why she left her own baby and if he wasn't here it could've died alone. Then he looked in the sand and realized there was a message written the night before.
~Luke, I am a Gerudo and I do not wish to have a child around to bother me. Please dispose of it for me.~
Link held Katalina as it giggled and reached for one of his pointed ears and tugged on it. There was no way he was going to kill it so maybe he could adopt it. Link smiled but it began to fade when he realized something. Even though he finally got something he always wanted, he knew could never take care of a baby with all these monsters around who would die for a chance just to fight him. Link pulled out the Ocarina of Time and teleported back to Kakoriko Village.
He knocked on a door, placed the baby at the doorstep, ran and hid. Lord Merddock and Vera, still in their night clothes, looked down and let out a gasp.
"Honey, it's a baby, oh isn't it just darling!" Vera commented as they read the note Link attached that had its name on it. Link smiled, he really would like having maybe a son or daughter to teach them all his moves but he knew he can't worry about children now. There was so much to see and do. Maybe someday, when Hyrule is safe and he decides to settle down.
Although he would have to find someone first, who was willing to tell him how it's done.
NOTES FROM TOPAZ
I do not know what to say but this was one of the most deranged stories I had written so like I said before, don't try to take it seriously(even I'm suprised at how I came up with it) Oh well, Link needed a strange mission that doesn't involve imps, demons, or any magical beings.
Make sure you tell me what you think of this odd tale at Topaz989@email.com.
Back to Story Menu