Congrats Your Maj!

By Miriam

Greetings young sirs, madams, and all other creatures I have to protect the Castle from. You might has guessed by now, that I am one of the castle guards in Hyrule. 1) Its really crap pay, 2) All I have to listen to is 'I have some pomegranates for the King, please let me in so I can give it to him! AHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! IT RHYMED! NOW YOU HAVE TO LET ME IN!!! OH AHAHAHA! IT RHYMED AGAIN!!!' From Gladys, the crippled insane hag who keeps trying to give the King poisoned pomegranates ! 3) I can't see through this damned hat!

I don't ever open the gate to anyone unless it's a HAM (Hyrule Association Member) But there's this little kid, says he wants to see the princess. I ,of course, refused as couldn't see his membership card. But then he BRIBED me! 10 rupees! I mean, I could buy a respectable wife for that! But I already have a girlfriend…heh…her name is Gina and she is FIT!!! She has red hair and darkish skin but she always wears a veil to work and …everywhere else actually. (Don't tell her but I think it is to hide her long nose…) That's the only bad thing about her I guess. Apart from that she works in a gang of thieves is a bit weird because she's working for bad and I work for good! But every now and again she invites her friends from work round to our flat and they are JUST AS FIT. It makes me feel bad but hey, life goes on! They like my hat I use for work so I wear it everywhere, even though I walk into stuff all the time. It's my soldiers hat and they all find it sexy! It comes way down my eyes so they can just see my smile. It's lucky you can't see my face under this hat really, as Gina would probably dump me sharpish if she could see my looks!

Oh dear here comes Gladys. How many times do I have to tell you, HE'S ALLERGIC! Do you want to kill him. Oh yeah…NO I WON'T DO IT FOR 10 RUPEES! WHAT SORT OF GUARD DO YOU TAKE ME FOR?!?! I know I did it for that kid but he looked innocent. And um…you won't fit through the gate! Yes I know it LOOKS big but it was cursed by a big…leafy….CABBAGE! Yeh! A big cabbage came down and did a curse to make it look bigger! So clear of you vagabond!

Phew, that got rid of her! Now as I was saying, oh yeeeeees! So my hat is really cool but I can't see it and most of the time now I have a crick in my neck! Anyway-OH MY GOD! THE KING IS ACTUALLY COMING TO THE GATE! IS HE ACTUALLY STEPPING OUTSIDE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 50 YEARS?!?! I've never seen him do exercise before! He just sits on his throne or walks around trying to call passers by over to marry the princess against her will. I mean, shouldn't she have a choice? I've seen that blonde boy who was supposed to have travelled through time and saved the world drooling over her but she doesn't seem to take him seriously so she just gives him long discussions about the God's and how they must save the tricycle force or something. I guess they've had a kid together in secret and train it to ride one or whatever but I'm certain that she doesn't really like him that much. AAAAAAAAAANYWAYS! The King has just walked pass. DOING SOME EXERCISE SIR? OH,OK! SEE YOU IN A BIT! He's gone after Gladys, Maybe those were Love Pomegranates…But how did he get them. I did see her with a catapult earlier ….Well they match! She's a mad old bat and he's…well a plonker! I mean, think of all those times he's trusted that nasty big guy and this place has turned into ruins and his daughter has to pick up the pieces- oh, he's back, and what's that big lump he's holding? I hope it's cheese! It smells like it! Oh wait it's just Gladys… and why has she got a bouquet? Oh dear….CONGRATS YOUR MAJ !....Ya silly old fart….well he fell for the fruit that's what I say! Better her than me! LOL! Gee I'm funny, talented strong and with this helmet people think I'm good-looking as well! What's that's what I'm here for! WHAT'S THAT YOUR MAJ??? OK I'M CUMIN! Well I gotta go! Gladys needs the fairy's she jammed under her toenails removed! Wait…is that a giant cabbage??? And what's he doing to the gate- HEY!!! NOW ITS SMALLER THAN IT LOOKS! I WANT VENGEANCE!!! I MUST HAVE VENGEANCE!!!

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