LoZ: Celebrity Death Match - Fight for the Triforce

By Dark Hero

Johnny Gomez: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to another bone-crunching edition of... CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!!!!!!! And tonight, we'll feature a select group of characters that will duke it out for a chance to claim the ultimate prize. Nick?

Nick Diamond: Thank you, Johnny. This is a once-in-a-lifetime oppurtunity for these contestants. And who are these characters, you ask? Why, they're none other than the cast from the hit video game, The Legend of Zelda!!!!! Back to you, Johnny.

Johnny Gomez: Thanks, Nick. Now you may be asking yourself: "What is this ultimate prize that the contestants will be fighting over?" Well fans, the prize will be none other than the elusive Triforce. You heard me right. Hyrule most sacred artifact, and this group of combatants will be tearing each other apart, just to get the chance to wield the magic it contains.

Nick Diamond: What kind of magic? The kind that they'll be able to pull a rabbit out of a hat?


Johnny Gomez: Okay... Let's get down to the locker room with Stacy Cornbread, to find out who the contestants will be, and see just why they want the prize.

(Cut to Backstage. We see Stacy with a tall, dark-skinned man with dark red hair, and an evil look on his face.)

Stacy Cornbread: Thanks, Johnny. (plasters a wide smile on her face, and talks in a high-pitched voice) I'm Stacy Cornbread, and I'm here backstage with one of the contestants. What is your name, sir?

Ganon: What does it matter to you? As soon as I get my hands on the Triforce, you will be the first I send to the Void!!! Then everyone shall bow before my might!!!

Stacy: You really don't get out much, do you?


Stacy: Okayyy...

Ganon: If you must know, my name is Ganondorf, but remember it well, because as soon as I get my hands on the Triforce, I WILL BE THE SUPREME RULER OF THE WORLD!!!!! (evil laugh)

Stacy: Moving on... (Stacy notices another participant, a young woman, light skinned, wearing a beautiful silk dress, bearing the Hylian insignia) Ah, here's one of our other contestants. What is your name, ma'am?

Zelda: The name's Zelda, and who are you calling ma'am? Do I look that old to you?

Stacy: Ummmmm...

Zelda: Oh, forget it. What do you want, anyway?

Stacy: Well, I was wondering why you are competing.

Zelda: To get the Triforce, of course. No one should be allowed to use the Triforce, unless it's me. I'm royalty, and the Triforce is our most sacred artifact. Therefore, only one of royal blood, like myself, should wield the Triforce.

Stacy: Thank you.

Zelda: You're welcome. (coughs) Hussy!

(Stacy moves on to the next contestant, a creature dressed in a long black robe, with a foreign helmet on top of its head.)

Stacy: Helloooo, may I ask what your name is?

Zant: BRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!! (Translation: Zant is my name, fair maiden.)

Stacy: 'Kay... and why are you competing?

Zant: KYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! (Translation: Because I deserve the Triforce, and no one else!)

Stacy: All right, moving on.

Nick: Stacy, did you understand anything it said?

Stacy: Of course I did, didn't you?

Johnny: Uhhhh...

(Stacy moves on to the next contestant, a man dressed in a green tunic and athletic build, sharpening his sword.)

Stacy: Hi there, handsome. What's your name?

Link: Name's Link, Hyrule's greatest hero.

Stacy: And why are you after the Triforce?

Link: To keep away from the bad guys, of course. The safety of Hyrule is always my number one concern. There is good magic in the Triforce, but, there is a lot more evil magic dwelling within the Triforce than most people let on to believe. I mean, just look at Ganondorf over there. Look at what the Triforce of Power did to him.

Ganon: (from a distance) I HEARD THAT, YOU LITTLE PIPSQUEAK!!!!!

Link: BRING IT ON!!!

Stacy: All right guys, settle down. Let's wait until the match starts. Then you can tear each other apart. Back to you guys.

Johnny: Thanks, Stacy. Celebrity Deathmatch is sponsered by your friends over at Al's Hardware Store. Remember, if it ain't from Al's, you got screwed. Now, to the kind of match this group will be participating in. Nick?

Nick: Well, the match is one of our most favorite here in Celebrity Deathmatch. Standing at 20' high, made entirely of razor-edge steel, most would call it a death wish. We simply call it... a Cage Match!!!

Johnny: Looks like the contestants are ready to go. They're entering the ring now. As soon as they drop the cage, none of them are allowed to leave, until one of them is declared the winner.

(Contestants enter the ring. Cage is now lowered.)

Crowd: Four men enter, one man leaves!!! Four men enter, one man leaves!!! Four men enter, one man leaves!!!

Zelda: (in the ring) I'M NOT A MAN, YOU IDIOTS!!!!!

Johnny: The referee for this match will be none other than Judge Mills Lane.

Mills: (to the fighters) All right, I want a good clean fight, understand? Nothing below the belt, everything else is okay. Ready? Let's get it on!!!

Nick: And the match is underway!!

(Contestants start to fight. Zelda starts shooting magic bullets at Zant, but his crazy dancing keeps him from getting hit. Meanwhile, Link and Ganon are having a staredown.)


Zelda: (to Zant, while still firing) Stop dancing, you freak! Hold still while I blast you!

Zant: BYAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! (translation: Never!!!!)


Link (to Ganon): Well, are you gonna do something, Ganny? Or are you just gonna stand there all day?

Ganon (to Link): Well, I was thinking of blasting you will a fire spell, then... Hey, did you just call me Ganny? Did my wife tell you about that nickname?!

Link (to Ganon): I'll never tell! (sticks out his tongue)

Ganon: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!! (charges toward Link, sword drawn, but is blasted by one of Zelda's magic bullets. Blood and guts spatter the cage.)


Nick: Well, it seems Ganon is out of the match. Sorry Ganon, no Triforce for you!

Ganon (disembodied voice): You just wait, the creators will have me fixed up in a jiffy. And as soon as I come back, I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!

Zelda: Oops.

Link (to Zelda): No problem. You did me a favor, there, actually. (smiles at Zelda, but while he is distracted, Zant slashes off Link's right arm with one of his strange arm blades. Blood starts to spew out of Link's side.)

Johnny: Ohhhhh! That's gotta hurt!

Zelda (stunned look on her face): Umm, Link?...

Link: Was that Zant that just passed by? Swear to Din, he needs to lay off whatever he's on. (looks over at Zelda, noticing her stunned expression. Follows her gaze to where his right arm is supposed to be.)

Link (realizes that his right arm is gone): SON OF A B*%#H!!!! THAT HURT!!!

Zant: BLLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!! (Translation: And you're just realizing this now? Man, how can one guy be so boneheaded?)

Zelda (to Zant): You realize you're talking about Link here, right?

Zant: KRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! (Translation: Yeah, you're right. Hey, how can you understand me?)

Zelda (to Zant): I have psychotic episodes every now and again. Maybe that's the reason why.

Zant: AYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! (Translation: Ahhhh...)

(While Zant is distracted, Link sneaks behind Zant, grabs his head, and starts running it back and forth along the cage, like a cheese grater.)


Zant (whose head now looks like a badly done Picasso painting): RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! (Translation: Ouch!)

Link (to Zant): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Zant (to Link): BRIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH (Translation: You'll pay for that, fairy boy!)

Link (now looking pissed off): What did you just call me?!

Zant (to Link): KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! (Translation: Fairy Boy, Fairy Boy, Fairy Boy!!!!)

Link: You... You... YOU'LL PAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zant: Bryah... (Translation: Uh oh...)

(Link starts to transform into a super-Hulk Link. He then rips off Zant's head with his only arm, and munches on it like a gumball.)


Johnny: And Zant is gone! That leaves only Zelda and Link to fight for the Triforce! Who will win: the spoiled princess, or the thick-headed hero?!

Zelda (To Link): Okay Link, calm down. He's gone now, okay? You can relax.

(Link slowly returns to his original form)

Link (panting heavily, green blood oozing all over his face): Zel... what... just... happened?...

Zelda (to Link): Good. You okay?

Link (to Zelda): Yeah, I think so.

Zelda (to Link): Good. Now hold still, and tell me if this hurts. (Zelda fires off another magic bullet. Link barely dodges it before he can feel the full force, but is sent flying back into the cage.)

Zelda: Damn it! Just missed him!

Link (to Zelda): Zel?! What are you doing?!

Zelda (to Link): Well, this is a fight to the death, after all.

Link (to Zelda): Yeah, I guess you're right.

Zelda (to Link): Then don't hold back. Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I can't kick your a$$

Link (to Zelda): Okay, but can I have a kiss first?

(Link puckers up, trying to kiss Zelda)

Zelda (to Link): EWWWWW!!! Get away from me!!!

Link (to Zelda): Well excuuuuuuuuse me, Princess!

(Unknown to Link, Zelda had her hand behind her back, charging up a magic spell.)

Zelda: Hey Link?

Link (to Zelda): Yeah?

Zelda: Think fast!

(Zelda lets loose the magic bullet that she was charging behind her back. Link has no time to react, and is hit full force. Link is blasted into a million pieces, and blood and guts spatter the crowd)

Mills: And the winner is... Princess Zelda!!!!!!


Nick: And that's it folks!!! The Royal Princess of Hyrule herself, Zelda, has won the fight! And to present the ancient artifact, the Triforce, is our very own Stacy Cornbread!

(Stacy walks into the arena, holding the Triforce, with that cheesy smile still on her face)

Stacy: Here you go, ma'am! The one and only Triforce! Now, let me ask you, what do plan to do with it?

Zelda (to Stacy): Well, for starters...

(Using the magic of the Triforce, Zelda blasts Stacy into oblivion)

Zelda: That's for calling old, you stupid b*$#h! Now, to enslave the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

(Zelda blasts the roof of the building and flies out of there)

Johnny (as the roof is collapsing): Well, that's all the time we have for today, folks! Good fight, and good night!

The End

Epilogue: Ganon finally returns to the real world, only to be enslaved by Zelda and her Army of Darkness, and Johnny and Nick move to Mexico, to start a Mexican Celebrity Deathmatch.

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