LoZ: Celebrity Death Match - Evil Villains Edition

By Dark Hero

Johnny Gomez: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to another brain-bashing edition of... CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!!!!!!! Tonight, we’ll feature one of the greatest matches ever to grace this show. For the details, we’ll switch over to my partner-in-crime, Nick Diamond.

Nick Diamond: (in a low voice) Johnny, shhhhh! You’re not supposed to talk about the illegal drug trafficking ring that we’re running on our off time.

Johnny: Ummmm, Nick? We don’t have an illegal drug trafficking ring.

Nick: Riiiiggggttt…

Johnny: Nick, are you high?!

Nick: As a kite, son! (starts to lose his balance on his chair, but grabs the desk and balances himself)

Johnny: Anyways, seeing as how my partner is incapacitated at the moment, I’ll fill you in on the details. This match will feature the top villains from the game that has spawned millions of fans all over the world, The Legend of Zelda! And just what are these villains going to spill each others’ blood over? To be named the Most Evil Villian of All Time, that’s why!

Nick: Hey, Johnny, got any Doritos? I got a serious case of the munchies.

Johnny: Quiet, you! (shoves Nick off-camera) We go now to Stacy Cornbread, who’s down in the locker room to interview the contestants.

Stacy: Thanks, Johnny. (puts a wide smile on her face, and talks in a really hyper voice) I’m here with one of our former contestants, who was beaten early on in the battle, Ganondorf Dragmire!

Ganon: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I WAS BEATEN?! I CAN NEVER BE BEATEN, YOU STUPID LITTLE... Oh, who am I kidding? I’ve been beaten so many times by that fairy boy, Link, that I’ve lost count. (starts crying)

Stacy: Oh, you poor thing. Here, have a tissue. (hands Ganon a tissue)

Ganon: (loudly blows his nose on the tissue, muttering to himself) Gonna… murder you all… even… the women and children…

Stacy: Well, let’s leave him alone, and move on. (walks over to the next contestant, a short, dark-faced man, wearing a purple cloak, with matching cape) Hi there, short stuff! Can I ask you why you’re fighting in this match?

Vaati: What did you just call me?! Did you call me short?!

Stacy (with a worried expression on her face) Ummm….

Vaati: I’ll have you know that my race has always had height issues. But to answer your question, I’m doing this to prove that I am most qualified to take over your pathetic planet. And once I do, I’ll erect a giant bone tower in my honor, and your skull will be the top piece!

Stacy: Okay… (starts to walk away slowly, over to the next contestant, who is wearing a strange tribal mask, and who looks like a wooden puppet) Hey, it’s Pinocchio! What are you doing here, Pinocchio?


Skull Kid: WHAT?! (leaps onto Stacy’s back, and starts ripping out her hair in chunks)


Stacy (running around, screaming her head off): AHHHHH! GET THIS DEMENTED PUPPET OFF OF ME!!!!!

(Skull Kid is violently tugged off of Stacy by one of the security guards, but not before most of Stacy’s hair is gone)


(Stacy storms out of the locker room in a huff)

Dark Link (in the back of the locker room): Hello? Wasn’t I supposed to be interviewed, or something? Hello?

(commercial break)

Johnny: Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch! If you missed the first half, here’s a quick recap. The top villains from The Legend of Zelda are gonna battle it out to prove that they are the Most Evil Villian of All Time.

Nick (still high): The room’s all… spinny. (barfs really loudly on the floor)

Johnny: Clean up on Aisle 4! Heh heh heh… Anyway, looks like our contestants have made out to the arena. Refereeing the event is our own Judge Mills Lane.

Mills: (to the fighters) All right, I want a good clean fight, understand? Nothing below the belt, everything else is okay. Ready? Let's get it on!!!

Johnny: And the match is underway!!

Skull Kid: Wait guys, I just had a thought. Why are we even doing this? Why can’t we all just be friends?

(Ganon, Vaati, and Dark Link stare at him darkly, sending a chill down Skull Kid’s spine)

All three: GET HIM!!!!

(Ganon, Dark Link, and Vaati leap onto Skull Kid, ripping him to pieces. Little pieces of wood fly in all directions, and the three step back.)

Johnny: Ooooohhhh, that’s gonna leave a mark!

Mills: (looks at the remains of Skull Kid) He’s out!

(Ganon then lights a fire using the last pieces of Skull Kid, and the trio start cooking marshmallows)

Ganon: God, I love s’mores.

Vaati: Me too.

Dark Link: Yeah.

(a short while later)

Ganon: Ugh, I’m stuffed. No more s’mores for me.

Dark Link: You’re always stuffed, you fat pig!

Ganon: What did you just say?!

Dark Link: I’m saying that you should look into Jenny Craig, you giant tub of lard!

Ganon (veins popping out of his head and neck): ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!

(Ganon charges blindly at Dark Link, swinging his sword wildly at Dark Link. Their swords collide, both of them aiming at each others head. Meanwhile, Vaati is just sitting in one of the corners, watching the pair battle it out)

Mills (to Vaati): Hey, aren’t you gonna get in there?

Vaati: Nope. I’ll let these two duke it out, and then kill the winner. Simple plan, really.

(Ganon and Dark Link’s battle has come to a standstill. None of them can get a hit on each other. In one split second, Ganon “accidentally” loses his grip on his sword, and impales Vaati in the head)

Mills: Are you still okay to fight, son?

Vaati (brains oozing out of the head wound, talking in a very groggy voice): Yeah… I’ll be fi… (is cut short, due to Dark Link’s sword impaling him in the heart)

(Mills looks him over for a second)

Mills: He’s out!

Johnny: And it’s come down to the final two. Who will win this fight? Will Nick be detoxed by the end of this show? We’ll have all the answers, right after this commercial break!

(commercial break)

Johnny: And we’re back! It’s down to the final two contestants, Dark Link, the rookie underdog, versus Ganon, the veteran. Who will win? Let’s find out!

Nick: Mozzletof, it’s a boy!

Johnny: Shut up, Nick.

(back down to the stage, Ganon and Dark Link are having a staredown, waiting for the other one to move)

Ganon: Your move, Darky.

Dark Link: You first, Ganny.

Ganon: Why you… wait, calm down, Ganon, he’s only trying to rile you up, make you lose focus. Breathe in, breathe out. (breathes heavily) Let’s do this. (fires off a bolt of dark magic at Dark Link, but Dark Link dodges it, and fires off his own dark bolt, which hits Ganon squarely in the chest. Ganon is knocked back, but otherwise unharmed)

Dark Link (in shock): I don’t understand. Why didn’t it hurt you?!

Ganon (also in surprise): Hmm, that is weird. Why wasn’t I hurt? (ponders for a moment)

Dark Link: Screw this. (charges at Ganon, and jump-kicks him in the face. Ganon is not even moved an inch. Dark Link throws a couple punches at his face, but Ganon is unfazed)

Dark Link (enraged): Why isn’t this working?!

Ganon (finishes his pondering): Ah! I remember now! (raises his right hand, the Triforce symbol on his hand glowing brightly) I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it!

(Dark Link starts to convulse rapidly, as bubbles start to protrude from his body)

Dark Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (his body explodes, showering the entire stadium with blood and guts)

Mills: And… he’s out!

Johnny: That’s it, folks! In a surprising upset, Ganon is the winner of the match, and the Most Evil Villian of All Time!!!!

Unknown voice: Not so fast, Mr. MC!

(thousands of villains from all of the other video games appear on-stage)

Sephiroth: This battle isn’t over until we say it’s over!

Johnny: Ummm, guys. We only have, like, 1 minute until the show is over. They’re rolling the credits right now.

Sephiroth: Oh, really? Sorry about that. (all the evil villains that appeared leave the stage)

Johnny: Well, that's all the time we have for today, folks! Good fight, and good night!

Epilogue: Ganon won the title of Most Evil Villain of All Time, and went on defeat many other evil game villains, but was beaten at the hands of Link, and was banished to the Dark Realm, again. Idiot.

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