LoZ Drinking Contest

By Lord Grenhoth

No, you didn't read the title wrong. A bunch of characters from the LoZ universe have gathered together in answer to a competitive drinking challenge. Why am I doing this, you ask? Simple... BECAUSE I CAN!!! *cackles madly* Let the insanity begin! WARNING: Be ready for EXTREME weirdness!

Setting: Telma's bar

Characters: (LoZ:TP Link, Zelda, Midna, Zant, and Ganondorf) (LoZ:OoT Dark Link) (LoZ:MC Vaati) (LoZ:MM Skull Kid and Tingle)

*everyone sits down at the bar, glaring at each other, as Telma pours each competitor a shot of straight scotch*

Dark Link: *grins, points at Link* You're going down, green bean.

Link: *glares back* Bring it on, darky. *does a double-take* AND DON'T CALL ME GREEN BEAN!

Vaati: Would you rather we call you "Fairy Boy"? *snickers and high-fives Dark Link*

Zelda: *rolls eyes* Please. The only "Fairy Boy" here is Tingle.

Tingle: Why, thank you! *beams happily*

Ganondorf: Bah. I'll beat ALL you pathetic twerps.

Midna: *smiles in that creepy way of hers* ...Said the guy who got beaten by a dude wearing tights and a skirt.

Ganondorf: Why you...! *fumes*


Dark Link: Yeah, right. *jabs Zant with his elbow* What do you think?

Zant: NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! *head spins around like a top*

Dark Link: O_o ...Forget I asked you anything...

Skull Kid: *clears throat, and stands up on the bar* All right everyone, enough monkey business, let's get this show on the road. Telma will be keeping the shots coming, and I'll be refereeing.

Zelda: What? How come YOU get to be the one refereeing?

Skull Kid: *knocks on Majora's Mask with his fist* Because I have a mask superglued to my face and CAN'T drink. And besides, "your majesty"... I'M TEN!

Zelda: Oh. -_-;
Midna: Oh for... THIS STINKS! I have to do this stupid contest in my cursed form, so I'm, like, 3 feet tall! *points at the Skull Kid* I was counting on YOU to even up the field!

Skull Kid: *rolls eyes* Well EXCUUUUUUUUUUSE ME, twilight princess!

Zelda: Whoa, deja vu...

Skull Kid: *clears throat again* Anyway, here's the rules. You all must remain seated at your stools at all times. Anyone who gets too tipsy to remain seated and falls off is out. Last one still seated wins. You can trash talk all you want, but if there's any intentional physical contact, you're out automatically. *looks around* Everybody got that? *everyone else nods* Good. On your marks... *everyone braces themselves* Get set... *everyone grabs their shot glasses* ...SLAM!!!

*With the Skull Kid's cry of "SLAM!", everyone threw down their first shot of scotch and prepared for the next. Well, almost everyone.*

Tingle: *due to his small size, loses his balance with the shot glass and spills the whole thing all over himself* Oh, confound it! Now I'm soaked! *Telma hands him a new shot of scotch* Ah! Many thanks, my good dear! *this time he does it right, and downs the whole shot* O_O Fire... pain... burning... *eyes roll up into his head, and he tips over, falling onto the floor with a loud "Plop!"*

Skull Kid: Tingle's out! First one down!

Dark Link: *stares down at Tingle* Pffft. Shmuck. *throws down another shot*

Zant: *still hasn't drank his first shot yet, is staring blankly at it in his hand*

Vaati: *looks at Zant after downing another shot* C'mon Zant, hurry up! You're falling behind! Get with the program!

Zant: Ah? *looks at Vaati, then looks back at the shot again* Nya! *pours it in his left ear*

Ganondorf: >_< No, you idiot! Your mouth! You're supposed to drink it! *speaks as though talking to a one-year-old* DRINK. IT.

Zant: Wah? *gets another shot from Telma* Ah! *this time he puts it to his lips and throws his head back... but he does it too fast, and the scotch goes straight up his nose instead* O_O WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *leaps up from his stool and starts running around in circles, flailing his arms like a turkey trying to take flight, until he runs face-first into the wall, knocking himself unconscious*

Skull Kid: Zant's out! That's two!

Midna: *rolls her eyes* Moron...

*by now, most of the competitors have gotten several shots down, and are starting to feel it*
Link: *throws down another shot, then pauses before going after the next one* Ooh... I feel... tingly... *glances over at Zelda*

Zelda: *is gracefully extending her pinky finger as she downs a shot, then daintily dabs her lips with a napkin before downing another shot... and another... and another... she still shows no signs of even having a buzz yet*

Link: Wha...? Zelda, how...? How are...? *is flabbergasted*

Zelda: *downs yet another shot, then glances over at Link, grinning devilishly* Oh, didn't I mention it? My father keeps a big wine cellar in part of the castle basement. *without breaking eye contact with Link, she effortlessly downs another shot and smiles*

Link: O_o Uh oh...

*several more rounds go by, and it's starting to get to everyone, especially Midna*

Midna: *with her small size, is getting blitzed fast and wobbling on her seat* Uh... *glances over at Dark Link* Ya know, +hic+ you're kinda hot...

Dark Link: Er... What?

Midna: Yeah, you just +hic+ bend over, and I'll ride you like a wolf.

Dark Link: *spews out a shot he was in the middle of drinking* o_O Excuse me?

Midna: *laughs for no apparent reason, then turns her head gear around backward so its covering her face; she also holds up her arms and wiggles her fingers* Booooooooo! I'm a ReDead! I wanna +hic+ EAT YOUR BRAINS! +hic+ ... Hey, where'd ya go? *feels around on her face for an opening, then loses her balance and tips off the stool onto the floor* +CLUNK!+

Skull Kid: Midna's gone down! *chuckles* I knew she wouldn't make it...

Ganondorf: *has a big goofy smile on his face, then he raises his shot glass, and starts singing off key* I'm Henry the eighth, I am! Henry the eighth I am, I am.

Vaati: *joins in, also off key* I got married to the widow next door! She's been married seven times before...

Ganondorf: *laughs uproariously, then slaps Vaati on the back in celebration*

Vaati: *is smaller than Ganondorf, so he winds up flying off his stool and under the bar*

Skull Kid: Violation! Ganondorf, you're out! And Vaati, you lost your seat, so you're out too!

Ganondorf: *frowns, points at the Skull Kid, speaks very slurred* Hey, you can't talk to me +hic+ like that! I'm the friggin' king of darkness! I'm +hic+ the lord of evil and chickens and poodles and... urgh... *gurgles, then slumps forward, slamming his head face-first into the bar* Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Vaati: *suddenly realizes where he is, speaks from under the bar* Aw, +hic+ crud! I'm out, ain't I? I'm out and... *pauses* Ooh, look, +hic+ dust bunnies! *laughs*

Dark Link: *is starting to look a bit unsteady* I'm... still gonna beat you, green bean.

Link: *now looks VERY sloshed, wobbling all over the place* Hey! I said +hic+ not to call me green bean! And besides... *points to Ganondorf* I kicked his butt... *points to Vaati* I kicked his butt... *points to Dark Link* And by golly, +hic+ I'm gonna kick YOUR butt! *pauses* No matter HOW many clones of yourself you make!

Dark Link: Huh? *thinks for a moment, still unsteady* Wait, +hic+ how many of me do you see?

Link: Um... *looks like he's trying to count, but his eyes don't seem to be focusing* Uh... eight.

Dark Link: *cracks a grin, then laughs drunkenly and throws down another shot*

Link: You won't +hic+ beat me! *tries to take another drink too, but throws his head back too far and falls off his stool*

Skull Kid: O_O THE HERO OF TIME IS DOWN! THE HERO OF TIME IS DOWN! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! It's down to just Dark Link and Zelda now!

Zelda: *just finished throwing down another shot, grabs the edge of the bar to steady herself* >.< Room... Spinning...

Dark Link: *laughs drunkenly, almost falls off his stool, but grabs onto it to right himself just in time* You're +hic+ history, princess!

Vaati: *still under the bar* Yeah, Dark Link! Win one for the +hic+ villains!

Zelda: *looks very dizzy, has her eyes squinted shut, then starts thinking to herself* <C'mon Zelda, you can't let him win! You've gotta think of something! I can't use any spells, that would count as touching him, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I cheated... C'mon, you're not the bearer of the Triforce of Wisdom for nothing! THINK!> *pauses, thinking through her liquor-loaded mind, then her eyes snap open* <Wait! That's it! That's the answer!> *looks over at Dark Link, bats her eyes seductively, then speaks in a sing-song voice* Oh, darky!

Dark Link: *wobbling badly, looks like he'll fall over at any moment* Eh? *looks over at Zelda, forcing his eyes to focus*

Zelda: *turns to face him, then grins, and partially pulls up her skirt, showing him some leg*

Dark Link: O_O *does a spurting anime nosebleed, then flails his arms around and falls off his stool*
Zelda: *grins, then quickly lets her skirt down again*

Skull Kid: And Dark Link goes down! Da winna is... Princess Zelda!

Zelda: *makes a "V" sign with one hand while she throws down a victory shot with her other hand, then she slips off her stool and falls to the floor; girlish giggling is heard*

Skull Kid: Darn heroes won again... *grumbles*

Telma: *clears her throat, looks at the Skull Kid* So, who's going to clean this up?

Skull Kid: *anime sweatdrop*


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