How Ganon Stole Christmas

by Topaz989

Every Hylian loved Christmas, they loved it alot... But King Ganon on Death Mountain clearly did not!
Ganon hated Christmas, despised it, detested! His fevered mind worked as the Hylians all rested.

After dreaming of boxes and stockings aplenty, What if there were no presents? Not a one? Not any?
Ganon's twisted mind hatched a terrible plot. He would steal Christmas!!! Why? Hey, why not?
With makeshift antlers atop his bald noggin Doom drafted a Stalfo to pull his toboggan. His mind full of thoughts of swipe, steal and pillage, Ganon's sleigh hurtled down, down toward Kakoriko Village. His path clear before him, his resolve resolute, Ganon squeezed down a chimney to scoop up the loot.

First victim: Talon, who lay snoring and bloated. "No presents for you!" nasty Santa Ganon gloated. But at Mido's pad, Ganon's plan become rusted, Mido? Up. Ganon's ass? It was busted.
"Why, Santa!" the youth cried, "I've made your list!" "When I stole all of Link's candy, I thought you'd be pissed!"
"Nonsense, my boy," Ganon said, "My list? You're on top!" "Why, I'll even fine-tune the Deku Tree, over at my shop!" So with Mido fooled and tucked safely in bed, Ganon emptied the house; up the chimney he fled.

Back up Death Mountain with mission completed, Sped Ganon and his sled, the punishment meted.
"Christmas is canceled! HAPPY HOLIDAYS, PEASANTS!!! Your nonsense will cease with no gifts and no presents!" But Ganon's rant was halted, no words could be found, When up from the valley came a curious sound.

The Hylians weren't crying from their present-tally! Instead, cheerful song filled both mountain and valley! "Where are their screams?" Ganon pondered, "their groaning?" "No crying? No shouting? No bitching? No moaning?"
It then dawned on Ganon, smile gracing his jaw, "Christmas... is good!" and he felt his heart thaw "My evil deed I'll undo!" Ganon spat like a curse Unaware that his evening is gonna get worse.

As Ganon's sled flung down, Mario Karting, Luigi, he never expected... The horrible incarnate as kart and sled collided!
The sled, flung high, up and long, Ganon hurtled down towards the jubilant thong!
Mouths now hung open and blood pressured soared, As each of the Hylians made peace with the Lord.

"Momma me-ah" mused Mario, with his last Italian breath... As he was ground into paste, under Ganon's Sled of Death! Crushed were his hopes for toy trains and trucks, Link, the lone survivor cried... "MAN CHRISTMAS SUCKS!!"

*Note* This was just a spoof. No Hylians or Italians were hurt in the making of this twisted sort of poetry.

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