Link woke up one very cold day and decided that a good way to warm up would be to go to the Fire Temple. So off he went to Death Mountain, but by the time he reached Goron City, his sword was frozen in it's sheath and he could hardly move. So he went into Goron City, figuring it would be warmer there. When he walked in his jaw dropped. The walls were covered in green plants with red berries and in the center, where the spinning pot usually was, was a huge tree decorated with colorful polished rocks. Link ran downstairs, looking for an explanation, but instead he found a big party.
"Hey Link! Nice of you to join us!" shouted a Goron. Link glared at him.
"Does Darunia know about this?" he demanded.
"Yep, Darunia's right there on stage!" replied the Goron.
Link's jaw dropped again. Darunia was on a stage, singing a song that went something like this:
"Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rocks! Me like to eat those jingle bell rocks! Red ones, and green ones, and white ones galore! Eat em all and then chomp smore!..."
Link watched in awe, but when the Gorons started "breakdancing", or breaking everything with their clumsy dancing, he warped outta there using the Serenade of Water.
No sooner had he landed this time that Ruto ran up to him, shouting shrilly and waving a paper in his face. Link rolled his eyes and tried to listen to her. He caught the words "concert", "me me ME" and "'be there or ELSE!" before she sped away. Link, glancing down at the ticket, saw that he should start heading for Zoras Domain. He prepared to dive off the treetops into the lake. He took a deep breath, jumped, and BAM!!! Link learned that water could turn solid. He painfully looked up, and to his horror saw Ganondorf sliding on the ice towards him. He then realized that his worst enemy was wearing a red suit and hat with white fluffy trim, black boots, and a maniac grin. He was also singing drunkenly:
"Here comes Ganondorf, here comes Ganondorf, slippin on the ice! He's got curses for everyone cuz he isn't very nice! He'll give you a nice present, he'll pour lots of (hic) wine in your cup! But he's got a sack of coal for Link, cuz he tried to chop me up! HEY! I see Link, I see Link- WHAT IN HOLY HECK! It looks like he dived off that tree trying to break his neck! Maybe he is deranged, maybe he drank too much beer, but that is not what I would call spreading Christmas cheer! HEY!
"Hereyago, Link ol chum! Merry- hic- Christmas!" That said, the evil king keeled over in a dead faint on the ice, stupid grin and all. Link stood up (using the Fairy Ganondorf gave him) and opened the present from Ganon. A golden, shiny object came out: the Triforce! "Wow, thanks Ganon, how'd you know that's what I alway wanted! Hey! Did you hear me? I SAID THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Red nosed-hic- Stalfos" muttered Ganondorf.
Wow, Link thought, all it takes is a little booze! Why didn't I ever think of that? He started for Lon Lon so he could drop off Epona there. I don't know what this Christmas stuff is, but I'm beginning to like it!
At the ranch, Link gave Epona to Talon.
"OkayzzSanta I'llzzake good czare of yzur zreindzeer," slurred Talon.
"Dad I think you've had enough! Sorry Link, I'll take Epona, oh Dad gross don't give it to the horses..." Malon said.
Link nodded and ran off to Zora's Domain. He got there just as the lights were dimming and chose a seat in the back. A Zoran announcer got up on stage.
"Ahem. Testing, can you hear me? OK good." he boomed. Link covered his ears with his hat and prepared to take a nap. "Merry Christmas and welcome to the annual Zora Christmas Concert! Our opening singer is the beautiful Princess Ruto!" The crowd howled and wolf whistled as Ruto walked onstage. Link tried to hide in his seat.
"I need a volunteer from the audience!" she shrieked. Everyone started jumping and waving but Link. "Okay, you, yes, you in the back wearing the clothes! Link, is that your name? Okay, everyone give it up for Link!" Link refused to get out of his seat so a few Zora officials dragged him onstage. Without further ado, Ruto started making a horrible wailing noise that sounded like it was supposed tp be singing.
"All I want for Christmas is yooouuuuuuu! Yooouuuuuuuu Linky!"
With a cry like a wild animal, Link ran across the ice, knocking over several Zora officials as he went, and didn't stop running until he played the Nocturne of Shadow. He sprinted across the graveyard to avoid the Poes' and Redeads' snowball fight and finally found some peace in Kakariko Village. The windmill guy was having fun rockin around and around and around and around and around and around the Christmas tree. Seeking some sanity, Link decided to go to the castle and see Zelda. He warped over to the Temple of Time and went to the castle courtyard. He was surprised that there were no guards. When he got into Zelda's chamber,
Link jumped so high his head hit the ceiling, and when he landed he started yelling some bad words and hacking everything in sight.
"Link calm DOWN, it's okay!" said Zelda, who was standing in front of him.
"Has--everyone--gone--insane??" gasped poor Link.
"No, silly, it's Christmas!"
"But, but what IS Christmas? Why is it here?" Link asked. As soon as he said this, all the lights went out except for a spot light on Zelda. Everyone went quiet as Zelda started to speak.
"'And in that region there were some shepherds watching their flock by night. And an angel of the LORD stood before them, and the glory of the LORD stood around them, and they were very frightened. And the angel said unto them, "Behold, for I give you tidings of a great joy that shall be for all the people. For tonight in the city of David, there has been born for you a Savior, who is the LORD Jesus Christ. And this will be a sign for you: you will find a baby wrapped in clothes in a manger." And suddenly a multitude of the Heavenly Host appeared, singing "Glory to God in the highest and on Earth peace to all men.' That's what Christmas is all about, Link."
When Zelda finished, the lights came back on and Link looked around him. Every single person in Hyrule (including the monsters) was there for his party. And as he gazed at all the faces around him, comprehension dawned on his own. It was all clear to him: Christmas was not a time for drinking and singing off key and dancing like a lunatic, no, it was much, much more. And then all the people of Hyrule joined hands and started singing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing". And, even though they were out of tune, though they only knew half the words, though Impa had to clean up every bit of broken glass later, it was the best part of everyone's day.
Zelda led everyone to the dining hall where they all pigged out til they couldn't dance anymore and swapped gifts so vigorously no one knew which were theirs anymore. The Gerudos did their own version of The Nutcracker. After all the guests left, Zelda and Link went up to the tower room to party under the mistletoe.
Note: Wasn't that deranged or what?
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