Not Another Ocarina of Time Rewrite

By MidnaScape

Chapter 1:  Talking Trees


Once upon a time, blah blah blah…  You know what?  Let’s forget this lame introduction and get on with the story!


Narrator:  In a vast forest on the eastern edge of Hyrule, there existed a small village full of kids who believed trees could talk.


Camera pans across forest and flies into a tree house where we see our hero Link resting not so peacefully.


Link:  Tha-that nose!  God it’s huge!  S-someone help me!


Narrator:  Well, he seems to be busy, so let’s go visit the “Great Deku Tree.”


We see a glowing bug “talking” to a very inanimate tree.


Navi:  Do you have any gorons?


Deku Tree: 


Navi:  (draws another card)  Okay, your turn.


Deku Tree:   …(come on people, trees don’t talk!)


Navi:  Nope!  Go fish!


Deku Tree:  ……………………………………………………………


Navi:  What?  You say that its time for the boy without a fairy to start his journey?  You say you want me to bring him to you?  You say the fate of the forest, nay the world depends upon me?  Don’t worry Great Deku Tree!  I’m on it!  (flies away)


Deku Tree:  ……………………(trees still don’t talk, so he hasn’t said anything.  Duh.)


We are now viewing the forest through a camera that Navi is wearing on her head for some reason.


Navi:  (flying up to some random Kokiri kid) Hey!  Listen!  Have you seen a kid without a fairy around here?


Random Kokiri Kid 1:  Oh.  You mean that freak Link?  Yeah.  He lives in the only tree house with a ladder.


Random Kokiri Kid 2:  (appears out of nowhere) Hey! Are you guys talking about Link?


Random Kokiri Kid 1:  Yeah!  What’s his problem anyway?


Random Kokiri Kid 2:  I heard that he, like, doesn’t believe in the Great Deku Tree!


Random Kokiri Kid 1:  (gasp) OMG!  Really?


Random Kokiri Kid 2:  Totally.  He, like, said that trees can’t, like, talk!  He said that there’s, like, something wrong with us ‘cause we, like, think trees can, like, talk.


Random Kokiri Kid 1:  OMG!  I have GOT to tell Saria.  (pulls out cell phone and starts texting)


Navi:  (has already flown off to Link’s house)  Ouch!  (Navi has flown into the wall because she’s a stupid fairy who talks to trees)  Aha!  (starts flying off in the wrong direction)


Back inside Link’s house.


Link:  (has awoken from his nightmare in a cold sweat) Am I awake?  (looks at script)  “Link:  (has awoken from his nightmare)”  Oh, okay.  (tosses script off screen.  We hear glass breaking and a cat yowl)


Script:  Hey!  That hurt!


Cat:  (Jumps in through broken window and attacks Link) Take that!  That’ll teach ya to throw things at me!


Script:  Yeah!  Go get’em tiger!


Link:  Ahh!


Navi:  (flies in on this very disturbing scene, yet for some reason is completely unaware of what is taking place)  Well, this must be the place.  Now where’s Stink?


Cat:  (claws Link’s crotch)


Link:  AHHH!  (doubles over in pain, clutching the Royal Jewels)


Cat:  (is satisfied with the outcome and jumps back out the window) Loser!


Link:  (in Scottish accent)  I’ll kill that cat!


Donkey:  I say we neuter ‘em right here!  Give ‘em the Bob Bocker treatment!


Link:  (in normal voice)  Where’d you come from?


Donkey:  Oops!  Wrong movie!  (vanishes)


Link:  (sees Navi)  Oh, hello.  (blushes)  Um… you didn’t see all that just now, did you?


Navi:  (flies out window after cat) Hey!  Wait up!


Link:  ………….


Back outside, Navi is now at the fleeting mercy of the cat.


Navi:  No!  Please don’t eat me!


Cat:  Why shouldn’t I?


Navi:  Because I…


Before Navi can finish, a mouse wearing a green tunic appears out of nowhere and slays the cat.


Weird Mouse:  Yes!  Ganondorf is dead!  Now I can marry the princess!  (runs off)


Navi:  (recovering from her near death experience) Phew!  That was close!  (turns back towards house)  Now, where’s Blink?


Back inside Link’s house.


Navi:  (to Link) Hello!  Do you know where I can find a boy named Skink?


Link:  (turning red both from anger and embarrassment because he has been caught in his teddy bear underwear) It’s Link.  And yes, that would be me.


Navi:  (hasn’t heard a word of what Link said and is now talking to a pot) Do you know where I can find Pink?


Link:  (grabs Navi) It’s Link! Okay, Link!  L-I-N-K, Link!  I am Link!  Now what do you want?!


Navi:  (unfazed by this occurrence) Oh, so you’re Pink!  I’ve been looking all over for you!


Link:  IT’S LINK!!!!!


Navi:  That’s what I said, Brink!


Link:  (sighs in defeat and drops Navi) I give up!


Navi:  (hits the floor because she has forgotten she can fly) Ouch!


Link:  (walks over to dresser and pulls out a pair of green shorts) So what are you here for?  You better not be here to sell cookies, ‘cause I already told the other fairies I’m not buyin’.


Navi:  (remembering how to fly) The Great Deku Tree has summoned you!  You must come with me to see him!


Link:  (realizing this fairy is too stupid to bother arguing with) Yeah, okay.  (pulls green tunic over head)


Navi:  Okay, let’s go!


Link:  (pulling on boots) Do you mind if I get dressed first?


Navi:  Yeah, sure!  Go ahead!


Link proceeds to fastening a belt around his waist and pulls on a green hat.


Link:  (sighs) Okay, let’s go.  (walks past Navi and out door)


Navi:  Wait up!  (flies after him)


Outside, a little girl with green hair runs towards Link’s house.


Saria:  (waving arms above head) Link!  Yoo-hoo!  Down here!


Link:  Hey Saria!  (climbs down ladder) What’s up?


Saria:  Not much.  (sees Navi) Oh!  Link!  Is that a fairy?  Wow, Link!  You finally have a fairy now!  That’s so awesome!


Link:  (looks over shoulder at Navi) Yeah.  It’s great.  Really, just absolutely thrilling.


Saria:  (to Navi) So what’s your name, you lucky thing?


Link:  (rolls eyes)


Navi:  My name’s Navi.  I’m taking Link to see the Great Deku Tree!


Saria:  (realizing that Navi is just as stupid as the rest of the Kokiri) Oh! The Great Deku Tree, huh?  (to Link) You know, it’s quite an honor to “talk” to the Great Deku Tree.  (winks)


Donkey:  Hey, what’s the matter wit’ you.  You got somtin’ in your eye?


Link:  Who are you?


Donkey:  Oh, am I in the wrong movie again?  You know, this place looks just like Shrek’s swamp.


Link and Saria in unison:  Who are you?


Navi:  And who’s Fleck?


Donkey:  Oh, Shrek’s this big nasty, green ogre who lives in the swamp in the land of Duloch.  But one day, this Lord Farquad dude went and dumped a buncha fairytale creatures in Shrek’s swamp, so he and I went to the castle to find out why, and Shrek was all like― (continues talking)


Link:  (ignoring Donkey and speaking to Saria) So do you know where I can find this “Great Deku Tree” at?


Saria:  Yeah.  You just follow that path there, (points) until you reach a small pond.  Just jump across the raised pieces of land and walk through the short passage.  There’s a really big tree there that looks like it has a face.  That’s the “Great Deku Tree”.  You got all that?


Donkey:  ― an’ then I ate some rotten berries—man, them was some strong gases ekin’ outta my butt that day!


Link:  Okay, thanks Saria. (walks off with Navi)


Saria:  (goes home) Bye Link!


Donkey:  Hey!  Wait up!  (chases after Link) Where are you goin’?  Don’ just leave me here!


Link and Navi start off towards the Deku Tree Meadow with Donkey trailing close behind.


Donkey:  Hey, where you goin’?  Wait up, huh?


Link:  Why are you following us?


Donkey:  Well, I ain’t got any friends.  An’ I can’t figure out how to get back to my movie.  D’ya mind if I hang wit’ you for a while?


Link:  Yeah, sure.  Why not.  Come on, Navi.


Donkey:  Cool!  So, what’s your name, kid?


Link:  My name’s Link.


Donkey:  Link, huh?  That’s a weird name.  But I like it.


Link:  Good.  Maybe you can teach Navi how to say it.


Donkey:  So, where are we goin’?


Link:  Right here.  (stops in front of sign)


Navi:  Okay, Mink.  The Great Deku Tree is right through that passage.  Come on!


Link:  It’s Link!


Link, Navi, and Donkey try to head through to the Meadow, but are hindered by the patented Great Mido Forcefield. [1]


Mido:  Hold on there, Mr. No-fairy!  Just where do you think you’re going?


Navi:  Move Kindo, Think has been summoned by the Great Deku Tree!


Mido:  Think?  Did she just call you Think?  (doubles over in laughter)


Link:  Yeah, but she called you Kindo.


Mido:  (stops laughing) Yeah, well, whatever.  Hey, is that your fairy?  How did you get a fairy?


Donkey:  C’mon man, let the guy through!


Mido:  Sorry, can’t do that!  It’s very dangerous past here.  You have to at least be equipped with a sword and a shield before you can go through there.


Link:  Bull!  You mean to tell me that 25 foot passage is riddled with dangerous—


Mido:  Yes!  There is a ton of evil through there!  Go find a sword and shield if you want to go through!


Link:  (walks off) Fine!


A little while later.


Link:  (talking to self) How did a giant boulder end up in Kokiri Forest?!  All that for a measly dagger!  (walks into shop)


Shop Keeper:  (shouting so that he can be heard over the music playing over the PA) Hello, Link!  How are you on this fine day?


Link:  (also shouting) Fair to medium, partly cloudy.


Shop Keeper:  Good, good!  So, what can I do for you today?  Will you be taking the usual fried Deku Nuts?


Link:  No, actually.  I’m here to buy a shield.


Shop Keeper:  Oh, a shield, eh?  All righty, then.  That’ll be 40 rupees.


Link:  (outraged) 40 rupees?!  You’ve got to be kidding me!  I only make 10 rupees a week pulling weeds for Saria!  Mido doesn’t even pay me!


Shop Keeper:  Well, maybe you should save your money.


Link:  (gets an idea) Hey, can I use your bathroom?


Shop Keeper:  Yeah, sure.  Go on around the counter.


Link:  (walks around back) Okay, thanks!  (sneaks in through back door and grabs shield)


Shop Keeper:  (doesn’t notice) So, will you be taking those Deku Nuts?


Link:  (comes back around front wearing shield on back) Yeah, sure.


Shop Keeper:  (doesn’t notice because he is an idiot) All right, then.  Will you be taking the usual pound?


Link:  Yes, please.  (places five rupees on counter)


Shop Keeper:  (hands Link a sack of fried Deku Nuts) Pleasure doing business with you!


Link:  Likewise.  (walks out)


Back at the entrance to the Meadow.


Mido:  (hands over ears) Shut up!  Please!  Would you please stop talking?!  (falls on ground and begins to convulse)


Link:  (approaching entrance) What in the-!  What are you doing to him?!


Donkey:  We was jus’ talkin’ to him, is all!


Navi:  Yeah!


Mido:  (starts foaming at the mouth)


Link:  You’re killing him!


Mido:  (stops moving)


Donkey:  Is he—


Link:  I think he is.  (nudges Mido with foot)


Mido:  (gurgling sound)


Link:  Run!  (takes off down path)


Navi and Donkey:  Wait!  (chase after him)


In Deku Tree Meadow.


Navi:  Great Deku Tree!  I’m back!


Deku Tree:  ………………… (you weren’t actually expecting him to talk, were you?)


Navi:  Shrink, you must listen carefully to what the Great Deku Tree says.


Deku Tree:  …………………………………… (duh)


Several minutes later.


Navi:  Okay, Clink!  Let’s go!


Link:  Go where?


Navi:  Inside.


Link:  Inside where?


Navi:  (exasperated) Inside the Great Deku Tree!  Weren’t you listening?!


Link:  Of course I was.  He just, uh, was talking too fast.  Yeah, that’s it!


Navi:  Oh, okay!


Link:  So…  How do we get in?


Donkey:  How ‘bout that hole there?


Link:  Good idea!




[1]  Karl H. is the sole proprietor of the Great Mido Forcefield.  I’m sorry Karl, but I couldn’t think of anything better!





Chapter 2:  Inside the Deku Tree


Link:  (looks around) Whoa!  Who would have thought all this was in here?


Donkey:  Wow!


Link:  So, what are we supposed to do?


Navi:  We have to destroy the evil that’s plaguing the Great Deku Tree.


Link:  So where do we find it?


Navi:  I don’t know.  We’ll just have to look around.


Deku Baba 1:  (lunges at Link)


Link:  Ahh!  (leaps back) What is that thing?!


Navi:  (dialogue box appears) That’s a Deku Baba.  Be careful, they’re very ferocious.  Cut their stems to defeat them.


Link:  Well Navi, I’d love to, but this weird dialogue box is in the way!


Deku Baba 1:  (lunges at Link again and hits head on dialogue box)


Navi:  Oh!  Sorry!  (dialogue box disappears)


Link:  (rushes forward and cuts stem) Yah!


Deku Baba 1:  Blargh!  (shrivels up and dies leaving a long stick behind)


Link:  (picking up stick) What’s this?


Dialogue box appears and hits Link in the head.


Link:  Oof!  (falls on ground unconscious)


Navi:  You found a Deku Stick!  Use them to light torches!  But be careful, they burn quickly!  Go to the Items Subscreen and set it to v, s, or w, then press that C button to use it!


Link:  (still unconscious)


Donkey:  Look what you did, ya stupid bug!


Navi:  Don’t worry!  I know how to wake him up!  (to Link) HEY!  LISTEN!  WATCH OUT!  HEY!  LISTEN!  WATCH OUT!  HEY!  LISTEN!  WATCH OUT!  HEY!


Link:  Ahh-ahh-I’m awake!  I’m awake!  Just stop with the incessant call-outs!


Navi:  See?  Told you!


Donkey:  (rolls eyes)


Link:  (to Navi) Don’t you EVER do that again.  Do you understand?  No more dialogue boxes.  Capeesh?


Navi:  Yes, please!


Link:  (to self) Why do I even bother?  (takes a few steps forward)


Navi:  HEY!


Link:  NAVI!!!  You SHOUTED right in my EAR!


Navi:  Listen!  You can see down below this web by using r!


Link:  Navi, what are you talking about?  I don’t need any Up-C to look at something.


Navi:  Would you just look.


Link:  What if I don’t want to?


Navi:  Well, I’m telling you to look.


Link:  I’m not going to.


Navi:  LOOK!


Link:  NAVI!  My ear!




Link:  OKAY, okay!  Just stop shouting in my EAR!


Navi:  So, what do you see?


Link:  I see― Oh, now that’s interesting!


Navi:  What?  What do you see?


Link:  I see a waste of time.


Navi:  Really?  Cool!  Let me see!


Link:  Help yourself.  (walks off)


Navi:  I don’t see it.


Link:  (over shoulder) Keep looking, you’ll see it.  (climbs ladder)


Donkey:  Hey, man!  Wait for me!  I wanna come!


Link:  Tell you what.  If you can climb that ladder you can come with me.


Donkey:  (can’t climb ladder because he doesn’t have any fingers) C’mon man!  That ain’t fair!


Link:  Well, it’s not my problem!  Go complain to the guys who design the dungeons.


Due to time and budget concerns, the majority of the dungeon sequences will be left out.


Link:  (jumps off cliff) Look out below!


Navi:  (still looking) I still don’t see it.


Link lands on web, stretching it to its limit.  Web snaps and Link falls through into a ridiculously large puddle of water.


Link:  (surfaces) Whoo-hoo!


Navi:  (flies down)  Fink, I didn’t see it.


Donkey:  (from above) Yo, Link!  You all right?


Link:  Great!  I’ve never felt so alive!  Come on down!


Donkey:  Uh, that’s all right.  I think I’ll pass.


Deku Baba 2:  (lunges at Donkey)


Donkey:  Ahh!  (jumps down)  Holy motha’ of Parfait!  (shuts eyes)


Donkey lands in the ridiculously large puddle with Link.  They climb out and continue to explore the rest of the Deku Tree.  Finally they break through another web and land in another large puddle.


Link:  (climbs out) THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!!!


Donkey:  (climbs out behind Link) Oh, man.  I can’t feel my toes.  (looks down)  I don’t have any toes!  (starts crying) I think I need a hug.


Navi:  (hugs Donkey) There, there.  It’s all right.  It’ll be okay.


Donkey:  (sniffles) Really?


Navi:  No, not really.  I just said that to make you feel better.


Link:  Um, if I could interrupt.  We’ve kind of got a situation here.


Deku Scrub 1:  (shoots Deku Nut at Link)


Deku Scrubs 2 and 3:  (do the same)


Link:  (ducks behind shield) Little help here Navi!


Navi:  That’s a Deku Scrub!  Figure out a way to bounce back the seeds it shoots at you.


Link:  I know how to beat it, Navi, it’s just that I’m up against three!


Navi:  Oh, well why didn’t you say so!


Link:  NAVI!


Deku Scrubs:  (spit another round of Deku Nuts at Link)


Link somehow manages to defeat the Deku Scrubs.  The three move through the door to the next room which is cast in an eerie green light.  The floor is blanketed in a ghostly fog.  There is a strange sound echoing throughout the room.


Link:  I’ve got a bad feeling about this.


Donkey:  I wanna go home!


Navi:  What does the map say?


Link:  (pulls out dungeon map) According to this, we’re in the boss room.


Navi:  What’s that supposed to mean?


Donkey:  (looking up at ceiling) Oh my God!


Link:  (following Donkey’s line of sight) AHHHH!!!!


Queen Gohma:  (rolls eye around in socket and drops down from ceiling) Rrraahckk!


Strange words appear in front of Queen Gohma that read Parasitic Armored Arachnid Queen Gohma.


Queen Gohma:  Rrhua?  (sweeps foot at strange words, sending them flying)


Link:  Hit the deck!  (ducks down, flying letters narrowly missing him)


Navi:  What deck?  (gets hit by flying letter o)  Aiee!


Queen Gohma:  Rrraahh rrraahh rrraahh rrraahh rrraahh!  (translation:  Ha ha ha ha ha!)


Navi:  Ow!  (flies back up to Link’s side)


Queen Gohma:  (stops laughing and looks at the three sternly) RRRAAHCKK!


Link, Navi, and Donkey:  AHHHHHHH!!!!  (turn around to run back out door, only to find that it’s not there)


Navi:  What do we do?!


Link:  I don’t know!!


Queen Gohma:  (crouches down in front of Donkey) Rrraahckk!


Donkey:  Oh my God!  It stinks!


Queen Gohma:  Rrraahckk!


Donkey:  Oh, did I say stinks?  I meant, uh, thinks.  Yeah, thinks.  ‘Cause you’re obviously very intelligent.


Queen Gohma:  Rrhua?


Donkey:  I mean, come on.  You’d haffta be an idiot not to see that.  You musta been the valedictorian in your class.


Queen Gohma:  Rrraahckk! (translation:  Shut up!) (runs away)


Link:  (has snuck around to the other side of Gohma, cutting off her escape) Hello!  (waves sword in Gohma’s face)


Queen Gohma:  Rrhaah!  (translation:  Ahhh!) (turns around)


Donkey:  Oh, and did you know that—


Queen Gohma:  (covers “ears”) Rrraahckk!  (falls to ground and begins to convulse)


Link:  (stabs Gohma in eye)


Queen Gohma:  Rrraahckk!  (stops moving and starts to disintegrate)


Link:  Did we win?


Last remains of Gohma disappear and are replaced by a heart container.  A strange blue ring of light appears on the other side of the room.


Navi:  I think so.


Link:  (grabs heart container) What’s this?


Navi:  You found a Heart Container!  This increases your health by one heart and refills your life meter!


Link:  What life meter, Navi?  (heart container flies into Link’s chest)


Navi:  That one up there.  (points up)


Link:  (looks up and sees a row of four hearts floating above his head) Oh.  Where’d that come from?


Navi:  It’s been there all along.


Link:  Oh.


Donkey:  So, uh, how do we get outta here?


Link:  That’s a good question.  Navi, how do we get out of here?


Navi:  (spacing out)


Link:  Hello, Navi, you there?


Navi:  (still spacing out)


Link:  (reaches down and picks up letter a) Navi, come back to us, please.


Navi:  (isn’t it obvious by now that she can’t hear him?)


Link:  (throws letter a at Navi, knocking her down)


Navi:  Ahhh!  (falls on ground)  What was that for?!


Link:  Oh good, you’re back.  How do we get out of here?


Navi:  (flying back up to Link’s side) Step inside that ring of light; it’ll take you back outside.


Link, Navi, and Donkey step into the ring of light.  They begin floating towards the ceiling and vanish.




Chapter 3:  Hyrule Field


Link:  (landing on the ground in front of the Deku Tree) That was so much fun!


Navi:  Shh!  The Great Deku Tree is about to speak!


Deku Tree:  …………………………………………………(duh)


Navi:  But Great Deku Tree, I…


Deku Tree:  ……………………………………………….


Navi:  (sniffling) Okay, Zinc, make sure you pay close attention to what the Great Deku Tree is about to say.


Deku Tree:  ………………………………………………………………………


Link:  (starts picking his nails with sword)


Navi:  (nods her head randomly as if listening to someone)


Deku Tree:  ………………………………………………


Navi:  (starts crying) Oh, Great Deku Tree!  Why?!  (falls to ground in a depressed heap)


Link:  (picking up Navi) Hey, what’s wrong?


Navi:  The Great Deku Tree… he’s… he’s… DEAD!!!!!  (bawls)


Link:  Um… there, there Navi.  It’ll, um… it’ll be okay.


Deku Tree:  (still alive) ………………………………


Navi:  No!  No it won’t!  Without their guardian deity, the Kokiri will surly succumb to madness!


Link:  Navi, I think we should go.


Navi:  (sniffling) You’re right.  We need to go.  He told us to go find the princess of destiny.


Link:  I’m sure he did.  Come on, let’s go.


As Link and Navi turn to leave, they hear a strange rustling sound from the canopy of the Deku Tree.  Link turns his head, drawing his sword, and sees a green and shining stone fall from above.


Link:  (picking up stone) What’s this?


Navi:  Th-that’s… that’s…


Link:  Yes…


Navi:  That’s the Kokiri’s Emerald!


Link:  (sarcastically) That’s so cool, Navi.

Navi:  Zinc, haven’t you noticed that this is the pattern on your shield?


Link:  (twists head around to look at shield on back) Oh, would you look at that.


Navi:  Do you know what this means?


Link:  More baggage?


Navi:  No!  It means that the Great Deku Tree has entrusted you to protect this stone from the Desert Man.


Link:  What desert man?


Navi:  The one that put the curse on the Great Deku Tree.


Link:  Oh, that desert man.


Navi:  So you need to keep that stone safe.  You must keep it from that man at all costs.  You must guard it with your life.


Link:  I’ll be sure to do that Navi.


Navi:  You have to take that stone to the princess of destiny.


Link:  I will, Navi.


Navi:  That stone is very important.  The princess should be able to tell you more.


Link:  ………… Are you done?


Navi:  Yeah.


Link:  Good.  Let’s go then.  (walks off)


Navi:  (turns back towards Deku Tree) Good-bye Great Deku Tree.  I’ll never forget you.


Link:  Navi!  Let’s go!


Navi:  (blows nose) Coming.  (flies away)


Deku Tree:  ……………………………………………………………………………….


Back at the entrance to the Meadow, we see Mido standing around very much alive.  Link and Navi approach cautiously.


Mido Clone 1:  (extending arm, thus resulting in the expansion of the patented Great Mido Forcefield™) Hang on there, Mr. No-Fairy.  You’re not going anywhere until you tell us what happened here.  (indicates dead Mido lying on ground)


Link:  That was not my fault!  Right Navi?


Navi:  Yeah!


Link:  It was their fault!  (points at Navi and Donkey who’s no longer there)


Navi:  Yeah!


Link:  Besides, I— (stops and looks up at Navi confused)


Navi:  Yeah!


Link:  (shakes head in confusion) Hey, where’s Donkey?


Navi:  Yeah!


Link:  Navi!


Navi:  Yeah?


Link:  Where’s Donkey?


Navi:  I don’t know.  Maybe he was eaten by a pack of vicious donkey-eating monkeys.


Link:  Or maybe that portal sent him back to his movie.


Navi:  Get real Tink.  You and I both know how ridiculous that theory is.


Link:  Right, Navi.  ‘Cause everyone knows that donkey-eating monkeys are real.


Navi:  They are real.  Just ask anyone, they’ll tell you.  Besides, at least my theory makes sense.  Movies haven’t even been invented yet, so I don’t know where you got that idea from.


Mido Clone 2:  Hey, hey, hey!  Let’s focus on the task at hand please?


Mido Clone 1:  Now, would someone please tell me what happened here?


Mido Clone 3:  (bending over Mido) Hey!  I found something!  (pulls fingers back to reveal a super fine sparkly powder)


Mido Clone 1:  Hey, that’s fairy power!

Mido Clone 3:  Do you know what this means?


Mido Clone 2:  It means the murderer is…


Mido Clones 1 and 3:  (lean in closer) Yes?


Mido Clone 2:  Is…


Link:  (steps around and walks off)


Mido Clone 2:  The murderer is Mido’s fairy!!!!!


Mido Clone 1:  Of course!


Mido Clone 3:  It’s so obvious now!


Link:  (from far off) You coming Navi?


Navi:  Oh, coming!  (flies off after Link)


Link and Navi stock up and leave the forest.  As they are crossing the bridge, Saria appears out of nowhere and speaks to Link.


Saria:  Oh, you’re leaving.


Link:  (turns around) Oh, Saria, where’d you come from?


Saria:  (approaches Link looking very somber) I always knew you would leave the forest someday, Link—


Link:  I’m sorry, Saria.  I don’t want to leave but—


Saria:  LET ME FINISH!!!


Link:  (cowering) Yes ma’am.


Saria:  (clears throat) As I was saying, I always knew you would leave the forest someday, Link, because you are different from the rest of us.  But that’s okay, ‘cause we’ll always be friends, right?


Link:  Of course, Saria.  I’ll always be your friend.  You have to understand that I’m not leaving because I want to, it’s because Navi is making me go.


Saria:  I understand.  It’s okay.  But Link, before you go, I want to give you something.  Here.  (hands Link a tan colored ocarina)


Link:  (takes ocarina) What is it?


Saria:  That’s an ocarina.  I made it just for you, Link.  Take good care of it, okay.  I hope you think of me when you play it.


Link:  Gee, Saria, I don’t know what to say—


Navi:  You got the Fairy’s Ocarina! (music plays)


Link:  Navi, it’s Saria’s ocarina.  Weren’t you listening?


Navi:  This is a memento given to you by your friend Saria!  Make sure to take good care of it!


Link:  Navi, I already know that!


Navi:  Go to the Items Subscreen and set it to v,s,or w, then press that C-button to use it!


Link:  Navi, would you please shut-up!  You’re talking nonsense!


Navi:  Use A and the four C-buttons to play it, or use B to put it away.


Link:  NAVI!! SHUT-UP!  (throws ocarina at Navi)


Navi:  Ahh!  (falls on ground)


Link:  (picking up ocarina) Well, Saria, I really should be going now.  I promise I’ll come back to see you sometime.


Saria:  Okay, Link.  I’ll see you later.


Link:  Bye Saria.  (turns around and leaves)


Navi:  (gets up and gives Saria a hug) Bye Saria.  Don’t worry, I’ll take care of him.  (flies away)


Saria:  (to self) That’s what I’m worried about.


Link and Navi emerge from the forest to find themselves in a vast field.


Link:  Whoa!  Who knew all this was out here!


Navi:  The Great Deku Tree.


Link:  That was a rhetorical question, Navi.

Navi:  Bless you!


Link:  (puts head in hands)


Navi:  Okay, let’s go!


Voice from the Sky:  Link!


Link:  (draws sword) Wh-who’s there?!  Show yourself!


Voice from the Sky:  Up here Link!


Link:  (looks up and sees a giant owl) AHHH!!  (pulls out slingshot and readies a deku seed)


Kapora Gabora:  Link, do not be afraid. I am—


Link:  (lets fly the deku seed)


Kapora Gabora:  (gets hit by deku seed) Augh!  (falls on ground)


Link:  Run!!! (takes off)


Navi:  Wait for me!


Kapora Gabora:  Stupid kid!  (passes out)


 A few minutes later.


Link:  (catching breath) I… I think… we’re safe now…


Navi:  Okay Ink.  We have to find the castle.


Link:  It’s Link.  How many times do I have to tell you that?


Navi:  Keep your eyes open for a castle.


Link:  (looking up into sky) Hey, let’s ask him for directions.


Navi:  Okay.


Link:  (shouting at weird guy floating from a balloon) Excuse me!  Sir?  Can you give us directions?


Weird Guy:  (continues drawing in sketch book)




Weird Guy:  (still doesn’t hear Link)


Navi:  I don’t think he can hear us.


Link:  Really Navi?  What could have possibly given you that idea?  (pulls out slingshot and fires at balloon)


Weird Guy:  Yaaahhhh!  (falls and lands on feet in front of Link)


Link:  Excuse me, sir.  Could you tell us how to get to the castle?


Weird guy gives Link a queer look.  He is dressed in bright, shiny, green long underwear with a matching green cone on his head.  He is also wearing a pair of red briefs on the outside.  He looks to be in his middle to late thirties.  Needless to say, he looks like he should be locked up.


Weird Guy (I think you know who he is by now):  What’s this?  Green clothes?  And a green hat?  Why sir!  You look just like one of the children of legend!


Link:  Uh, yeah.  Say, could you tell me where I can find the castle?


Navi:  We’re on a very important mission.


Weird Guy:  What’s this?  A fairy?  Sir!  You have a fairy!


Link:  Yes, how very observant of you.


Weird Guy:  (dancing badly) Oh, how exciting!  This must be Tingle’s lucky day!


Link:  Who’s Tingle?


Tingle:  (gives Link another queer look) Why, me of course!


Link:  And you are referring to yourself in the third person why?


Tingle:  (ignoring Link’s question) Oh, you are so lucky to have a fairy!


Link:  Would you just tell me how to get to the castle?!


Tingle:  Oh, Mr. Fairy!  Would you care to buy one of Tingle’s maps?


Link:  No thanks.  A point in the right direction will suffice.


Tingle:  Oh, but Mr. Fairy, I insist!


Link:  No, really I—


Tingle:  TAKE IT!!!!!!  (shoves map into Link’s hands with a murderous look on his face)


Link:  Okay, okay.  I’ll take one, just calm down.


Tingle:  (regaining composure) Thank you, Mr. Fairy.  That’ll be 398 rupees.  (extends hand)


Link:  (outraged) 398 rupees?!!!  It’s just a piece of paper with scribbles on it.  (holds up map to make point)  I’m not paying for this!


Tingle:  (in a deep and menacing whisper) Oh, yes you are.


Link:  (placing hand on sword hilt) Is that a threat?


Tingle:  (lunges at Link and begins to strangle him) GIVE ME MY MONEY MR. FAIRY!!!


Link:  (has dropped his sword) Navi, help!


Navi:  (turns yellow and starts flying around Tingle’s head) This is Tingle.  He’s a weird guy who wants to kill you.  I have no idea what his weak point is.


Link:  NAVI!!!!!


Navi:  Well, what do you want me to do?


Link:  I don’t know!  Think of something!


Tingle:  I WANT MY MONEY!!!!!


Link:  (turning blue) Navi!  Help me!


Suddenly, Tingle’s balloon re-inflates itself and Tingle starts floating back into the sky.




Link:  (grasping throat) That guy’s a nut case!  Let’s get out of here!  (starts running)


Navi:  Right behind you!


Link and Navi continue running (or flying) until Tingle’s cries of rage die off in the distance.  They continue to wander aimlessly across Hyrule Field.  As the sun begins to set, they reach the crest of a hill and see a castle in the distance.

Link:  There it is!  There’s the castle!  Navi, we made it!


Link and Navi watch in dismay as the drawbridge closes.


Navi:  Oh no!  Now what do we do?


Link:  I guess we’ll just have to camp out until morning.


Navi:  But, it’s scary out here.


Link:  Oh come on Navi.  It isn’t any different than the forest.


Stalchild 1:  (crawls out of ground) Grahh!


Link and Navi:  Ahhh!


Stalchild 2:  (sneaks up behind them) Grahh!


Link and Navi:  Ahhh!  (start running)


Stalchild 1 and 2:  Grahh!  (chase after them)


Link:  (hiding behind tree) What are those things?!


Navi:  Those are Stalchild.  Don’t be afraid of them, just hack away with your sword to defeat them.


Link:  Don’t you be telling me not to be afraid when you ran away screaming too.


Stalchild 2:  (poking head around tree) Grahh!


Link:  Ahhh!  (draws sword)  St-stay back!


Stalchild 1:  (comes up behind Stalchild 2) Grahh!


Link:  (swinging sword blindly) Take that!  (cuts of their heads)


Stalchild 1 and 2:  (start running around without their heads)


Link:  Now what?


Navi:  I told you.  Just keep hacking away.


Stalchild 1:  (runs into tree)


Stalchild 2:  (falls into river)

Link:  Well, that seems to be working.


Stalchild 2:  (climbs out of river)


Link:  Or not.


Stalchild 1 and 2:  (resume wandering about without heads, occasionally bumping into things, sometimes each other)


Link:  We need to find some shelter.


Navi:  Agreed.


Link:  Well, I don’t think they can make it across the river, so let’s set up camp over there.


Navi:  Okay.


Link and Navi cross the river and set up a campfire.


Link:  This is better.


Navi:  Hey, I’ve got an idea!  Let’s sing campfire songs!


Link:  I’ve got an even better idea.  Let’s shut-up and go to sleep.


Navi:  ♪ Skidamarinky-dinky-dink, skidamarinky-do.  I love you. ♪


Link:  Yes, I love you too, Navi.


Navi:  ♪ Skidamarinky-dinky-dink, skidamarinky-do.  I love you. ♪


Link:  Navi, what are you doing?


Navi:  ♪ I love you in the morning, and in the afternoon, ♪


Link:  Navi—


Navi:  ♪ I love you in the evening and underneath the moon, oh, ♪


Link:  Navi, stop it.


Navi:  ♪ Skidamarinky-dinky-dink, skidamarinky-do, ♪


Link:  Navi, shut-up!


Navi:  ♪ I love you! ♪


Link:  Navi, I’m warning you…


Navi:  ♪ I love you. ♪


Link:  Navi, if you say that one more time I swear I’ll—


Navi:  ♪ I… ♪


Link:  Navi—


Navi:  ♪ Love… ♪


Link:  Don’t you dare…


Navi: ♪ You! ♪


Link:  THAT’S IT!!  (throws stone at Navi)


Navi:  (falls to ground unconscious)


Link:  Ah.  Sweet, sweet silence.


Link settles down to sleep as the Stalchild continue to wander about.  Finally the night comes to a close as the sun creeps into the sky.


Link:  (stretching and yawning) Morning Navi.


Navi:  (stretching)  Morning.


Link:  Ready to go to the castle?


Navi:  Yup.


Link:  All right, let’s go then.


Link and Navi make their way to the drawbridge.


Link:  (entering Castle Town Market) What is this place?


Map Guy:  Hello there good sir!  You look to be new here!  Would you care to buy a map?  They’re only 20 rupees apiece!


Link:  Uh, no thanks.


Map Guy:  Oh, well that’s all right!  Anytime you need a map, just talk to me!  I’m always here!


Link:  Okay, thanks.  (walks off)


Navi:  Why didn’t you buy a map?


Link:  I’ll buy one on the way out, Navi.


Navi:  Oh, okay.  So where are we going?


Link:  You mean to tell me you already forgot?  We’re going to the castle.


Navi:  Oh, that’s right.


Link:  (exasperated) Come on.



Chapter 4:  The Castle



Link and Navi leave Castle Town and head to the field in front of the castle.


Kapora Gabora:  (from top of tree) Link.  Up here!


Link:  (looking up) Ahh!  It’s the freaky giant owl thing!  (Pulls out slingshot)


Kapora Gabora:  No Link!  Please!  Hear me out this time!


Link:  Why should I?


Kapora Gabora:  Because I am not your enemy.  I am here to help you.


Link:  (lowering slingshot slightly) And just how can you help me?


Kapora Gabora:  You want to see the princess, right?


Link:  Well, not really-


Navi:  (kicks Link in ear)


Link:  Ow!  (rubs ear)  I mean, yes, I do wish to see the princess.  (gives Navi a dirty look)


Kapora Gabora:  In that case, listen carefully to what I have to say.  But first, could you please put that thing away?


Link:  Oh, sorry.  (puts up slingshot)


Kapora Gabora:  In order to reach the princess, you must first make it past the castle’s highly trained guards.


Link:  Okay.  That shouldn’t be hard.


Kapora Gabora:  The princess knows many things that will be useful to you, Link.  Be sure to listen carefully to her words of wisdom.  Did you get all that?


Link:  Yes.


Kapora Gabora:  Good.  You are a smart kid.  Good luck.  (flies away)


Link:  Well Navi, shall we go?


Navi:  Go where?


Link:  Never mind.  (walks up to guard in front of gate)  Hello, nice day isn’t it?


Guard:  Who are you?


Link:  I’m, uh, I’m the exterminator.  I hear you’ve got a rat problem?


Guard:  You look a little young to be an exterminator.


Link:  Yes, well, I get that a lot.  I’m actually much older than I look.


Guard:  (thinks about this for a minute) Well, okay.  You can go through.  (gate opens)


Link:  Thank you my good sir!  (steps forward)


Guard:  (stops Link) Hang on there, pal.  If you really are the exterminator…


Link:  (gulps)


Guard:  Then you’ll need an escort.  (turns to other guard)  Hey, Jerry!  The exterminator’s here and he needs an escort!


Jerry:  Okay.  (to Link)  Follow me, please.


Link:  (to Navi) This is too easy.


Jerry leads Link and Navi across the field past many guards.  As they approach the moat, Jerry shouts up to the other guards to lower the drawbridge.


Link:  (sneaks away while Jerry isn’t looking)


Jerry:  (walks inside)


Link:  Okay, there should be a drain hole over here somewhere.


Navi:  How do you know that?


Link:  I heard this weird guy in the market talking about it.


Navi:  Oh, okay.  So how do we get in?


Link:  I just told you, Navi.  We use the drain hole.


Navi:  So where is the drain hole?


Link:  Navi, do you ever hear what people say?


Navi:  Nope!


Link:  You’re hopeless, you know that?


Navi:  I would love to.


Link:  …………….


Navi:  So where is it?


Link:  (locating drain hole) Right here Navi.


Navi:  So how do we get over there?


Link:  (looking around) Hey!  Someone conveniently left these crates of milk behind.  Maybe we can climb on them to get over there.


Navi:  Well, it’s worth a shot!


Link pushes the crates into the moat where they create a convenient platform.  Link climbs on and jumps across the moat to the drain hole.  He crawls through.


Link:  (emerging on the other side) Well, this must be the courtyard that guy was talking about.  We ought to be able to find the princess in here somewhere.  Let’s go.


Guard 2:  (looks in Link’s direction)


Link:  Oh, crap!  He saw us!


Guard 2:  (can’t see past his helmet) All’s clear!  (continues patrolling)


Link:  Phew!  That was close!  Okay, Navi.  I’ve got an idea.  We should be able to sneak past the guards if we’re quiet.  Do you think you can handle that?


Navi:  Yes.


Link:  Good.  No talking.  (creeps forward)


Link manages to sneak past most of the guards unnoticed. That is, until Navi messes things up.


Navi:  HEY!


Guard 3:  (looks in Navi’s direction)


Link:  (whispering) Navi, what are you doing?  I told you to be quiet!


Navi:  Listen!  This is a bush!  It’s made of sticks and leaves.


Guard 3:  (whispers to Guard 4)


Link:  (still whispering) Navi, shut-up!  You’re going to get us caught!


Guards 3 and 4:  (start walking toward Link and Navi)


Link:  Darn it, Navi!  (runs)


Guard 4:  (sees Navi and speaks to Guard 3) It’s just a stupid fairy talking to a bush.  Nothing to worry about.


Guards 3 and 4:  (continue patrolling)


Link:  (has reached the Courtyard) Finally, made it.


Princess:  (looking through a window and doesn’t notice Link)


Link:  (approaches Princess) Um, pardon me, but, are you the princess?


Princess:  (turns around) ………………You………Who………Who are you?  How did you get past the guards?


Link:  Oh, my name’s-


Princess:  Wait.  Those clothes.  You, you’re from the forest, aren’t you?


Link:  Yes I am.  My name is-


Princess:  Then you wouldn’t happen to have the Spiritual Stone of the Forest, would you?  That green and shining stone?


Link:  (pulls out Kokiri’s Emerald) Oh, you mean this thing?


Princess:  Yes!  That’s it!  I knew it!  I knew you would come!


Link:  You did?  How?


Princess:  The other night, I had a dream.  But it wasn’t just any dream, it was a prophecy.  In my dream, dark and menacing clouds covered the land of Hyrule.  But then, a light came from the forest and parted the clouds.  The light turned into a figure holding a green and shining stone, followed by a fairy.


Navi:  Hey, that sounds like me!


Link:  Navi, what took you so long?


Princess:  And now you have come!  I knew you would.  Oh!


Link:  What?  What is it?


Princess:  I’m sorry.  I got so caught up in my story that I forgot to introduce myself properly.


Link:  That’s okay.


Princess:  I am Zelda, Princess of Hyrule.


Link:  Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Princess Zelda.  (bows)


Zelda:  Please, call me Zelda.  And what would your name be?


Navi:  This is Rink!


Link:  Actually, it’s Link.  This is Navi.  She can’t say my name right.


Zelda:  Pleasure to meet you Link.  And you too, Navi.


Link:  Believe me, it’s not a pleasure to meet her.


Zelda:  So, Link, since you have the Spiritual Stone of the Forest, there are some important things you need to know.  But before I tell you, you have to promise not to tell anyone.  Do you promise?


Link:         Yes



Zelda:  Come on, don’t be a blabber mouth.  Do you promise?


Link:         Yes



Zelda:  Come on, don’t be a blabber mouth.  Do you promise?


Link:     ►Yes



Zelda:  (clasping hands together in joy) I knew I could trust you!  Okay, here goes.  A long, long time ago, when the world was chaos, three golden goddesses descended upon the land that is Hyrule.  Din, the goddess of Power.  With her flaming arms, she cultivated the land and created the red earth.  Nayru, the goddess of Wisdom, poured her wisdom onto the land and gave the spirit of Law to the world.  Farore, the goddess of Courage, created all life forms that would uphold the Law.


Navi:  We already know this.


Link:  What are you talking about, Navi?


Navi:  Don’t you remember?  The Great Deku Tree already told us these things!


Zelda:  Excuse me.  Can I finish?


Link:  Yes, please.


Zelda:  The three goddesses, their labors complete, ascended once more to the heavens.  And at the point that they left our world, they left behind three golden triangles.  This artifact became known as the Triforce, and its resting place became known as the Sacred Realm, which became the center of our world’s providence.  The ancient sages built the Temple of Time around the Sacred Realm, to protect the Triforce from greedy hands.


Link:  (leaning forward) And…?


Zelda:  And what?


Link:  Where does this stone come into all this?


Zelda:  Oh yes.  That.  Let’s see here.  (pulls out manual titled “Sheika Legends:  Hyrule’s Creation”)  Ah, here we go.  (clears throat)  In the land of Hyrule, there lies the Temple of Time, which was built around the Sacred Realm by the sages of long ago.  It is said that the sages forged a sacred blade to be used by the Hero in Hyrule’s darkest hour.  This sacred blade has been referred to in many ways including the Blade of Evil’s Bane, the Master Sword, and-


Link:  Yes, yes, can we get to the part about the stone?


Zelda:  Right.  (thumbs through pages)  Here we are.  In order to gain access to the Sacred Realm, and thusly the Triforce, one must gather the four sacred artifacts that were entrusted to the four races of Hyrule.  The Spiritual Stones of Fire, Water, and Forest, which are guarded by the Goron, Zora, and Kokiri, respectively.  Should one manage to acquire these artifacts, one must still remove the Blade of Evil’s Bane from the Pedestal of Time in the Temple of Time.  Only then can one gain access to the Sacred Realm.


Link:  Okay, so what was the purpose of telling me these things?


Zelda:  I was looking through this window just now.  The other element in my dream, the dark clouds, I believe they symbolize that man in there.


Link:  Let me see.  (looks through window)


Through the window, we see a tall man with greenish skin and a big nose kneeling before the throne.  He is very ugly.


Zelda:  His name is Ganondorf.  He hails from the desert far to the west.  Though he swears allegiance to my father, I am sure he is not sincere.


Link:  That’s him!


Zelda:  So it is.  Thank you, Captain Obvious.


Link:  No you don’t understand.  He’s the ugly guy from my nightmares.


Zelda:  Oh, well, um.  Anyway, I’m sure he’s after the Triforce of legend.  He probably wants to use it to take over Hyrule.  No, the world!  You see, Link.  That’s why we have to stop him.  We’re the only ones who can!  Do you believe me?


Link:  Of course I do.


Zelda:  Good.  Then I need you to collect the other Spiritual Stones for me.  Can you do that?


Link:  I guess.


Zelda:  In that case, take this.  (pulls out notepad and starts writing)  This will prove your connection to the Royal Family.  (hands Link piece of paper)


Navi:  You got Zelda’s Autograph!  Go to the-


Link:  (grabs Navi) I know!  Don’t say it again!


Zelda:  My attendant Impa will show you out.  Don’t be afraid of her.


Link:  (walking off) Why would I be afraid of some old hag?  Oof!  (has run into Impa)


Impa:  (bending at the waist to glare at Link who is lying on the ground) I resent that young man!  I’ll have you know that I am twenty-one years old.  I am no old hag!  You will refrain from calling me that again, understood?


Link:  Yes, ma’am.


Impa:  (straightening out) Good.  Now stand up, I have important things to tell you.


Link:  (stands up)


Impa:  Everything is as the Princess foretold.  My role in the dream was to teach a sacred melody to the boy from the forest.


Navi:  Hey, that sounds like you, Drink!


Link:  It’s Link!  Link, okay!  Why can’t you say it right?


Impa whistles Zelda’s Lullaby through her fingers.  Link plays it on his ocarina, which results in him remembering it until the next game.


Navi:  You learned Zelda’s Lullaby!  Go to the Quest Status Subscreen and-


Link:  (throws ocarina at Navi) What did I just say?!


Navi:  Ahh!  (dodges ocarina)  Stop throwing things at me!


Link:  If you want me to stop, then why don’t you try shutting up?  (picks up ocarina and throws it at Navi again)


Navi:  (taken off guard) Eep!  (gets hit by ocarina and starts crying) Whaaa!!!!


Link:  (rolls eyes and picks up ocarina)


Impa:  If the soldiers find you there will be trouble.  Let me lead you out of the castle.


Screen goes dark.




Chapter 5:  Lost in the Lost Woods



We see Link, Navi, and Impa standing in Hyrule field just outside the drawbridge.


Link:  (clutching stomach) Uugh.  I think I’m going to be sick.


Navi:  (falling to ground) Me too.


Impa:  You are a brave lad to be taking on such a journey.  Look at this beautiful-


Link:  Blaugh!  (throws up on Impa’s shoes)


Impa:  Arrgh!  (kicks Link in face)


Link:  Aahh!  (falls back clutching bloody nose)  What’d you do that for?!


Impa:  You jerk!  You ruined my new shoes!  You can forget about my helping you!


Link:  I’m sorry!  It was an accident, I swear!


Impa:  (throws Deku Nut at Link.  It emits a blinding flash and she disappears)


Link:  (rubbing eyes) Wh-where’d she go?


Navi:  Hey Link!


Link:  (checks nose) What?


Navi:  What would Saria say if you told her you were going to save Hyrule?


Link:  (has decided that his nose isn’t broken) She wouldn’t say anything Navi.  She would laugh.  Hey!  Hang on a second!  What did you just call me?


Navi:  Uh… Link?


Link:  (passes out due to shock)


A little while later.


Navi:  Smink?  Smink.  Hello.  Are you awake?


Link:  (coming to) Uhh.  What happened?


Navi:  You passed out!


Link:  Wait.  You… you said my name!


Navi:  Well, duh.  I’ve been saying your name all along.


Link:  I know, but this time you said it right.


Navi:  (looking to horizon) Hey, what’s that?


Link:  (following what he believes to be the direction Navi is looking in) I don’t know.  It looks kind of like-


Tingle:  (off in distance) I’VE FOUND YOU MR. FAIRY!  WHERE’S MY MONEY??!!!


Link:  Uh-oh.  I’m out of here.  (runs back into Castle Town to hide)




 Back inside Castle Town, we see Link talking to the Map Guy from earlier.


Link:  (holding up map) So this is just 20 rupees?  Wow, that’s a bargain!


Map Guy:  Sure is.  So will you be buying?


Link:  (handing over money) Definitely.  This is much better than that piece of trash that Tingle guy gave me.


Map Guy:  (looking concerned) Tingle?  You mean that guy on the balloon who charges ridiculous prices for crappy maps?


Link:  Yeah, that’s the one.  Why?


Map Guy:  How much did he charge you?


Link:  398 rupees.  I didn’t even want the map.  He just shoved it in my hands.  And when I refused to pay, he tried to kill me.


Map Guy:  Do you know where he is now?


Link:  He’s probably just outside the town walls by now.


Suddenly, a group of Guards go running past.


Link:  Hey, what was that all about?


Map Guy:  They’re going to catch Tingle.


Link:  What?


Map Guy:  (lifts up shirt revealing a small wire and a microphone taped to his chest) I’m wired.  See, people come to me all the time complaining about this guy Tingle.  So the castle guards wired me.  This Tingle guy is an escaped psychopath.  They’ve been looking for him for months.


Link:  Oh.


Guards come walking past again with Tingle in a strait jacket, writhing and screaming insanely.


Guard 5:  Sedate him already!


Guard 6:  (injects Tingle with something)


Tingle:  (sees Link) YOU!!  YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS MR. FAIRY!  (stops squirming and goes limp)


Guard 7:  (walks over to Link and Map Guy) Thanks for the tip, kid.  (hands Link a fifty piece rupee)


Guards proceed to drag Tingle away.


Link:  (looking at rupee) Wow.  Well I guess I’d better get going then.


Map Guy:  Okay, well remember, if you ever need a map, you know where to find me.


Link leaves Castle Town and finds Navi just outside the castle wall.  The two of them leave for Kokiri Forest.


Navi:  (skeptically) Do you know where you’re going?


Link:  (reading map) Of course I do, Navi.  Kokiri Forest should be just over this hill.


Link and Navi clear the hill and see Kokiri Forest in the distance.


Link:  See?  Told you.


Navi:  Whatever.


Link:  Let’s go.


Inside Kokiri Forest.


Random Kokiri Kid 3:  Link!  You’re alive!  But, I thought you left the forest.


Link:  I did.


Random Kokiri Kid 3:  Liar.  If you had really left the forest then you’d be dead.


Link:  No really, I did.  See?  (holds out map of Hyrule Field)  Do you know of anyplace to find one of these in the forest?


Random Kokiri Kid 1:  Hey Link!  Saria was looking for you.  Did she find you already?


Link:  That’s funny, ‘cause I was looking for her too.  Is she home?


Random Kokiri Kid 1:  No, she’s in her special place, if you know what I mean.


Link:  Uh, no actually, I don’t know what you mean.


Random Kokiri Kid 3:  You know, that place she goes after one of her “episodes”.


Link:  Oh, you mean the Sacred Forest Meadow.


Kokiri Kids 1 & 3:  Shh!


Kokiri Kid 3:  We’re not allowed to say that, you idiot!  Keep your mouth shut!  The Great Deku Tree might hear you!


Link:  (whispering) Sorry.  So how do I get to said place?


Kokiri Kid 1:  You have to go through the Lost Woods to get there.


Link:  And where’s the Lost Woods?


Kokiri Kid 1:  (points to spot above Mido’s house) There’s the entrance.  I can’t help you beyond there.  Only Saria knows how to get to her special place.  Good luck.


Link climbs onto the ledge behind Mido’s house and is about to climb the vines when Navi interrupts, again.


Navi:  Hey!


Link:  Navi, I’m going to go deaf if you keep doing that.


Navi:  Listen!  These vines form a rough surface.  Maybe you can climb them!


Link:  Yeah, Navi, that was the idea.  (proceeds to climb vines)


Navi:  Whoa there, hang on!


Link:  What’s the matter now Navi?


Navi:  Are you prepared?


Link:  What do you mean?


Navi:  It’s the Lost Woods.  We could be wandering in there for days on end.  Don’t you think you should bring some supplies?


Link:  Like what?


Navi:  Look at your canteen.  It’s practically empty.  You should go fill it up.  And you’re completely out of fried Deku Nuts.  You’ll starve!


Link:  Navi, why have you chosen this moment to start speaking sensibly?


Navi:  Just go stock up, okay?


Link:  Fine.


Narrator:  Hi, folks!  Bet you’ve been wondering where I disappeared to?


Link:  Not really.


Narrator:  Shut-up!  I wasn’t talking to you.  Well, let’s go see what Ganondorf is up to, shall we?


Link:  Hey!  What do you think your doi-


We now see Ganondorf sitting at a desk in the Castle.  He seems to be drawing up plans of some sort.


Narrator:  Hey there Ganondorf!  What’cha up to?


MidnaScape:  (to Narrator) You’re not supposed to be talking to the cast.  You’re fired!


Narrator:  (starts burning) Nnnnnooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!


Ganondorf:  Whoa!!  Your power, it’s amazing!  Would you care to join forces with me?  Together, no one can stop our reign of terror!


MidnaScape:  Sorry, I’m required to remain in a neutral party.  I can only do that to people who fail to do their job.  I’m the author after all.


Ganondorf:  The author?  Then, can you make me the King of Hyrule with the Triforce at my disposal and make it so that no one can defeat me, ever?


MidnaScape:  Uhh… no.


Ganondorf:  Aww, come on!  Why not?


MidnaScape:  I have a specific plot that I must loosely stick to.


Ganondorf:  What does that mean?


MidnaScape:  It means I can’t make you King.  Not yet anyway.


Ganondorf:  Oh.  Wait, does that mean I’m going to be King eventually?


MidnaScape:  UhhCannot predict now.  Ask again later!


Ganondorf:  And just what’s that supposed to mean?


MidnaScape:  (pointing at something behind Ganondorf) Hey look!  The Triforce!


Ganondorf:  (turning around) Where?!


MidnaScape:  (runs away)


Back in the Lost Woods, Link and Navi find themselves completely…lost.


Link:  (after pondering for a minute) I think we should go this way, Navi.


Navi:  Why?


Link:  Well, because this is the direction the music is coming from.


Navi:  Well, I think we should go this way.  (points in opposite direction)


Link:  Well, I say we go this way.


Navi:  But the map says to go this way.


Link:  (turning around) What map?


Navi:  This one.  (holds up small sheaf of paper)


Link:  Give me that!  (snatches paper from Navi)  Navi, this is a napkin from the castle that says “You are here”.


Navi:  No it’s not!  It’s a map!  See the arrow?  It’s pointing that way.  So we should go that way!


Link:  Navi, that’s not an arrow, it’s the Triforce.  It always points that way.


Navi:  No, it’s an arrow, which means this is a map.


Link:  It’s not a map!


Navi:  If it’s not a map then why does it say “Map of the Lost Woods” at the top?


Link:  Probably the same reason is says “Tingle Maps©” at the bottom.  Navi, did you buy this?


Navi:  Yes.


Link:  How?  You can’t even pick up a rupee!


Navi:  I wrote him a check.


Link:  All right, you know what?  We’re going this way.  (starts to walk off)


Navi:  No.  (grabs Link by the ear and starts tugging) We’re going this way!  (yanks)


Link:  Aarrgghh!!  (through clenched teeth) Navi, let go!


Navi:  Come on!  (yanks harder)


Link:  Grrraaagghh!!  (tears begin leaking from his eyes) Okay, okay, I’m coming!


Link and Navi find themselves at a dead end.  There is lots of grass, a lone tree, and two business scrubs.


Link:  See Navi?  You were wrong.  The only way to go now is back.


Navi:  Hold on there buster!


Link:  Buster?


Navi:  It’s probably a trick to keep us from getting to the Sacred Forest Meadow.  Come on!  The map says to go this way.  (drags Link forward by his ear)


Link:  Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!  Easy!  Navi, you’re going to tear my ear off!!


Navi:  Come on!  (yanks)


Link:  Ahhhh!  (more tears)


Navi drags Link into the grass.  Link suddenly falls and Navi, because she has a death grip on his ear, is dragged down with him.


Link:  (landing on a small glowing platform)  Ahhh-haa-haa!!!  My ear!  (blood trickles down the side of his face)  Navi, you tore it!  (puts hand to ear)


Navi:  Let me see it.


Link:  No!


Navi:  Come on, I can use my fairy magic to heal it!


Link:  No way!  You’ll probably give me cancer!  You’re not touching it!!


Deku Scrub Kids:  Peep peep!  Peep eep peep peep eep!  (translation:  You look just like our totem!  We want to give you something!) (drag Link toward strange twig sticking out of the ground)


Link:  (doesn’t speak Deku) Ahh!  N-Navi!  H-help!  Th-they’re going t-to eat me!


The Deku Scrub Kids drop Link in front of the weird twig.  It shivers, and a larger Deku Scrub pops out of the ground.


Large Deku Scrub:  Bloop!  Bloop oop bloop bloop blop!  (translation:  The deku children agree.  You look just like our totem.)


Link:  Ahh!  (draws sword)  Y-you’re not eating me today!  (points sword at Large Deku Scrub)


Large Deku Scrub:  Bloop!  Bloop bloop blop bloop oop!  (translation:  No!  You’ve got it all wrong!


Link:  Die evil Deku Scum!  (scalps Large Deku Scrub)


Large Deku Scrub:  (starts bleeding profusely)  Bloop oop blop bloop blop oop!  (translation:  What have you done!) (dies)


Link:  Ha ha!  That’ll teach ‘ya to mess with Link!  (raises sword in victory then turns to see Deku Scrub Kids shivering in anger)  Uh-oh.


Deku Scrub Kids:  (start crying and running around in panic)  Peep eep peep peep eep eep peep!  (translation:  crying)


Link:  (starts trying to sneak away before something bad happens)


Deku Scrub Kids:  (stop running around and look at Link murderously)


Link:  (stops in his tracks and begins trying to be invisible.  It’s not working all that well)


Deku Scrub Kids:  (start shivering violently)  Peep!  Peep!  Peep eep peep!  (translation:  Kill!  Revenge!  Kill the evil totem!)


Navi:  (understands Deku language and flies away in fear)


Deku Scrub Kids:  (begin bombarding Link with hundreds of Deku Nuts)


Link:  Ahh!  (starts running for glowing platform)


Deku Scrub Kids:  (keep shooting)


Link reaches the platform and time stops.  Link begins floating towards the opening in the ceiling as the Deku kids and their projectiles are frozen in time.


Link:  (landing in grass) Phew!  That was close!


Navi:  Are you okay?


Link:  I’d be better if you hadn’t dragged me into the Pit of Dekus.


Navi:  You know, they wouldn’t have tried to kill you if you hadn’t killed their father.


Link:  Well, what was I supposed to do?  They were going to eat me Navi!  The least you could have done was help!


Navi:  They weren’t going to eat you, they were going to give you something.


Link:  What?


Navi:  If you had just listened to what they were saying you’d know that.


Link:  Navi, I don’t speak Deku!  But apparently you do!  Navi, why didn’t you tell me?!


Navi:  I thought you knew.


Link:  If I knew, would I have been shouting for help?!


Navi:  You were shouting for help?  When?


Link:  (face in hands) Navi, you’re going to get me killed!


Link and Navi somehow find their way to the Sacred Forest Meadow where they find Saria sitting on a stump playing her ocarina.


Saria:  (stops playing her ocarina when she sees Link) Link!  It’s you!  I thought I felt someone wandering through the woods!  Oh Link, I’m so glad to see you!


Link:  Saria, you have no idea how happy I am to see you.


Saria:  Link, what happened to you?!  You’re bleeding!


Link:  Navi’s trying to get me killed.


Myra (Saria’s fairy):  (flies over to Link) Navi, why did you not heal him?


Navi:  He wouldn’t let me!


Link:  That’s because she’s stupid and would probably give me cancer!


Myra:  You should give her a chance Link. 


Link:  No way!


Myra:  Do not worry.  If anything goes wrong, I will fix it.


Saria:  It’s true Link.  Myra is the elder fairy.


Myra:  Navi is but a child.  She must learn somehow.


Link:  But…but…


Myra:  Silence boy!  (to Navi)  Go ahead my child.


Navi:  Okay!  Here goes!  (cracks knuckles)


Link:  (closes eyes)


Navi turns pink and a yellow beam of light sprouts from her tiny body, striking Link in the left ear.


Link:  Ahhrrgh!  (ear falls off)  Navi!!


Navi:  Oops!


Myra:  (moves in to fix it)


Navi:  No, wait!  I can fix it!!  (charges up)


Link:  (desperately)  No!  Don’t—


Navi turns orange and shoots again, hitting Link in the stomach causing him to turn grey and his skin to pull tight over his bones.


Link:  (looks like a zombie) Uggbghphttt!  (falls on ground and begins to convulse)


Myra:  (shoves Navi out of the way) Stop!  Let me fix it!!


Navi:  But—


Myra:  Silence child!


Navi:  Yes Madame.


Myra turns a purple-ish brown and fires a green light at Link who immediately starts to look more alive.  His ear reattaches itself and his wounds heal with no scars.


Myra:  (fiercely to Navi) You are not yet qualified to partake in the task of this boy!  You will return to training!


Navi:  But then who will take care of Kink?


Myra:  I will assign a more qualified fairy to care for him throughout your training!


Navi:  Yes Madame.


Saria:  (kneeling by Link who is unconscious) Myra, will he be okay?


Myra:  You need not worry, child.  He will recover shortly.  Come Navi!


Navi:  Yes Madame.


Myra and Navi leave the Sacred Forest Meadow.




Chapter 6:  A New Fairy



Link:  (waking up) Ugh.  What happened?


Saria:  You fell and hit your head.  Are you okay?


Link:  Where’s Navi?


Saria:  Um, she’s going to be gone for a while.


Link:  (excited) Really?!  You serious?!  I mean…oh, that’s too bad.  Is she hurt?


Saria:  No, she’s returning to training.  In the mean time you’ll be getting a replacement fairy.


Link:  Oh, poor Navi


Saria:  I told you, Link, she’s not hurt…


Link:  Don’t the youths of destiny have the power to change destiny?


Saria:  Um….


Link:  So, my reasoning is, if I keep saying she’s hurt, then she will be, and I won’t ever have to see her…I mean…then she can have more…more….more training time!


Saria:  ……I don’t think that’s how it works…


Link:  You sure?


Saria:  Positive.


Link:  Crap.  Well, there’s one brilliant plan down the drain…


Saria:  Brilliant?  That’s debatable….


Link:  Well, it would’ve worked if whoever’s up there hadn’t made things so dang complicated for us down here—


Just then, Myra returns to the Sacred Forest Meadow with a replacement fairy for Link.


Myra:  Link, this is Vira.  She will be your fairy until Navi completes her training.


Vira:  Pleased to make your acquaintance Link.


Link:  Uh, hi.  Sssooo


Vira:  So…


Awkward silence.


Saria:  Well Link, I guess you’d better get going.


Link:  Yeah, I guess so.


Saria:  So Link, you have two more Spiritual Stones to find, right?


Link:  Yeah.  Wait how did you know that?


Saria:  I read your mind.  Don’t ask how, it’s too complicated.


Link:  Okay then, I won’t.


Saria:  You should probably try for the Spiritual Stone of Fire first.  Do you know where to go for that?


Link:  No.


Saria:  There is a volcano in the east called Death Mountain.  A race called the gorons inhabits the mountain.  They have been entrusted with the safe keeping of the Spiritual Stone you seek.


Link:  Death Mountain huh?  That sounds inviting.


Saria:  At the foot of the mountain rests Kakariko Village.  Start there.


Link:  Thanks Saria.  Well Navi, let’s get going.


Vira:  Vira.  It’s Vira now.


Link:  Oh, right.  I forgot.  Sorry.  My bad.


Vira:  That’s all right.  Don’t worry about it.


Link:  All right, let’s go!


Vira:  …………


Saria:  …………


Link:  …………


Saria:  Um…


Vira:  Link?


Link:  Yes.


Vira:  Are we going to go?


Link:  Of course.


Vira:  Well, what are you waiting for?


Link:  I have absolutely no idea how to get out of here so I’m waiting for the author to make a cut-scene.


Cut-scene.  Link and Navi—I mean, Viraare standing outside the entrance to the Lost Woods.


Link:  That’s better.


Vira:  Um… Link?


Link:  Yes Nav—uh, Vira?


Vira:  Yeah, um, you see, I use to be Mido’s fairy and, um, well…


Link:  Yes?


Vira:  Well, his clones think I’m the one who killed him so they’re looking for me.


Link:  And…


Vira:  And I was wondering if I could, you know, hide under your hat until we leave.  Is that too much to ask?


Link:  Not at all.  Go ahead.  (lifts brim of hat)


Vira:  Thank you.  (hides)


Back at the castle.


Zelda:  But dad!


Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule(the King):  No buts, Zelda.  Now go to your room.


Zelda:  Aw, come on dad!  It’s just a 500 rupee vase!  It’s not like you can’t by another one.


Daphnes:  Do you want me to call the dungeon master?


Zelda:  No father.


Daphnes:  Then go to your room.


Zelda:  Yes father.  (pulls out Farore’s Wind and warps to her room instead of climbing the 20 flights of stairs)


Daphnes:  (snicker snicker) That dungeon master threat always works.


Zelda’s room.


Impa:  (giving Zelda a manicure) Relax dear.  It’s not like it’s the end of the world.


Zelda:  I mean, it’s not like he doesn’t have 200 other identical vases—


Impa:  Actually, dear, it’s more like 199 now—


Zelda:  Shut-up Impa!  I didn’t ask you!  Besides, it’s not like anyone will notice anyway.


Ganondorf:  (knocking on door) Princess, I’ve brought your tea.


Zelda:  (sigh) Go away Ganondorf.  I don’t want your stinking tea.


Ganondorf:  (coming in) But Princess, it’s chamomile!  It’ll make you feel better.


Zelda:  Yeah right!  You probably poisoned it!


Ganondorf:  Oh crap, she’s on to me.  Oh come now Princess—


Zelda:  I said no!


Guard 8:  Your Majesty is everything all right?


Zelda:  Ganondorf’s trying to poison me!


Guard 8:  Ganondorf, what did I tell you about trying to poison the Princess?


Ganondorf:  (hangs head) It’s wrong, and if I do it the king will call my mom.


Guard 8:  I’m sorry, I can’t hear you.


Ganondorf:  It’s wrong, and if I do it the king will call my mom.


Guard 8:  That’s right.  You don’t want that do you?


Ganondorf:  No.


Guard 8:  Now apologize to Her Majesty.


Ganondorf:  I’m sorry Princess for trying to poison you.


Zelda:  Apology not accepted.


Guard 8:  Now go back to your barracks Ganondorf


Ganondorf:  Yes sir.


Kakariko Village


Cucoo 1:  —and then she said that I said that he said that she said that we can’t wear lipstick ‘cause we don’t have lips.


Cucoo 2:  (gasp) She did not!


Cucoo 1:  Now isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard?


Cucoo 2:  That’s like saying we—Backkak!  What the f—


Link:  Ha ha, stupid chicken.  (stabs it again)


Vira:  Link, I don’t think that’s such a good idea—


Link:  (continues stabbing chicken) What are you talking about?  It’s a chicken.  It’s not like it can feel pain or anything.


Vira:  Link, I really think you should stop before—


Cucoo 2:  Bakk bak Bakka!


Ominous rumbling


Link:  What’s that sound?


Vira:  Oh, now you’ve gone and done it.  (hides under Link’s hat)


Kakariko Front Gate Guard:  (pulling out binoculars) What in the world is—KILLER CUCOOS!  (hits a switch and a siren starts blaring throughout the village)


The villagers all start screaming and running for their homes.  One villager sees Link standing around and grabs his arm.


Villager:  Quick, boy!  You must get inside!  (tugs Link towards nearest house)


Link:  What?!  Why?


Cue “Flight of the Valkyries


Villager:  Quick boy, run!  They always play that song when they attack!  (tugs on Link’s arm)


Link:  They?  Who’s “they”?


Villager:  The Cucoo Assassin Army!  They’ll kill anyone caught outside during the attack!


Link:  Phhhttttt!  I think I can handle a few chickens.  (draws sword)


Villager:  (pulling him inside) No.  Your weapons will only enrage them!  (slams door)


As the villagers watch safely from their homes, the Cucoo Assassin Army storms the village.  Link watches in horror as they maul a poor cow and leave.  Destruction and famine lie in their wake.


Link:  (emerging from house) That… was…


Villager:  I know.


Link:  AWESOME!!


Villager:  What?


Link:  Did you see that?!  You were all like “oh no killer cucoos” and I was all like “I can handle them” and you were all like “no you can’t” and then the chickens came and they were all like “raghrrr  and everyone was all like “ahh  and the cow was all like “moo” and—


Vira:  Link, shut-up!


Link:  Hey, I’m the hero here.  You don’t tell me to shut-up!


Vira (who’s much stronger than Navi):  (grabs Link by collar and lifts him slightly off the ground) In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m not so easy to push around.  I am your fairy now and you will listen to me.  Do I make myself clear?


Link:  (choking) Crystal.  Can you please put me down so I can breathe?


Vira:  Well, since you asked nicely…  (drops Link)


Link:  Oof!


Vira:  Now let’s get going!


Link:  (getting up and brushing himself off) Vira, would you mind terribly if we wait ‘till tomorrow?  I’ve been going for two days now with no sleep.


Vira:  (exasperated sigh) Well, all right.


Villager:  Excuse me boy?  You’re not from around here are you?


Link:  No ma’am.


Villager:  Well, forgive me for intruding, but did you say you plan to stay the night?


Link:  Yes.


Villager:  Might I offer you to stay at my place tonight?  I have an extra bed.


Link:  Oh, no.  No, I don’t want to be a burden.


Villager:  Oh, not at all!  I live alone and rarely have any company.  I insist


Link:  Well, okay then.


Villager:  (claps hands together) Wonderful!  Well, I serve dinner at sunset, so don’t forget.  Why don’t you check out the rest of the village?


Link: Actually, if you don’t mind, I’d like to lay down and rest for a while.


Villager:  Oh, very well then.  You can have the bed on the left.


Link:  Thank you.  I don’t think we’ve been introduced yet.  (sticks out hand) My name is Link.


Villager:  (shakes Link’s hand) Pleased to meet you, Link.  Call me Maxine.


Link:  Well, thank you Maxine.


Maxine:  Not at all.


            *          *          *


Camera pans over Kakariko Village as the sun rises.


Windmill Man:  (singing) ♪Do-de-do!  Do-de-do!  Do de do de do-de-do!  Do-do do-de-do!  Do-do do-de-do♪


Link:  Excuse me?  Can you tell me where I can find the Death Mountain gate guard?


Windmill Man:  ♪ Do-de-do!  Do-de-do!  Do de do de do-de-do!  Do-do do-de-do de-do♪


Link:  Hello?  I’m talking to you!


Vira:  Let’s try someone else.


Link:  (walks away)


Windmill Man:  (waving) Do-de-do!


Link:  Arrgh!  This is so frustrating!  How am I supposed to get to Death Mountain if the gate’s locked?!


Vira:  We’re not making progress this way so just go climb over the gate.


Link:  Yeah, I guess you’re right.


A few minutes later…


Vira:  (collapsed on the ground) Ah ha ha ha aha ha ah ah ha ha!  (laughter continues)


Link:  (hanging upside-down from gate by belt) Shut-up!  It’s not funny!


Vira:  Not funny?!  Are you kidding?  You should see yourself!  (resumes laughter)


Link:  (enraged) Blood is rushing to my head Vira!


Vira:  I know!  You look so stupid!


Link:  Vira!  (starts squirming)  Whoa!  (belt and shorts slip down to his ankles revealing his teddy bear briefs)


Vira:  (experiences a new bout of laughter)


Link:  (screaming) VIRA! GET ME DOWN!!


Vira:  (incapacitated by laughter)


To be continued…


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