The Legend of Zelda: OCARINA OF TIME REWRITE

Script Formation    Part I  (I was too lazy to do a novel form)

 

Firstly I do not own Zelda at all (Seriously) all rights are held within Nintendo.

 

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far-...wait, this isn't a different galaxy! It's still on Earth, right..? I think it is--they never said differently--anyway. *ahem* A long time ago...um... far, far away, was a land called Hyrule. A land of prosperity and wealth, all of Hyrule lived in peace for hundreds of years under the reign of Hyrule's Royal Family. However, a war between Evil and Good had sprung up, sending Hyrule into a period of famine and pestilence. However, legend tells of a Hero that will save Hyrule; one who will stand up and conquer evil, defeating it with the power of the Ancient Sages.

 

Camera pans over Hyrule Field, towards Kokiri Forest.

 

And on a COMPLETELY unrelated note, there's some Kokiri kid without a fairy. Let's go laugh at him or laugh at the Shakespeare tree thing that talks.

 

In Kokiri forest...

 

Great Deku Tree: Well young Navi the time has come.

 

Navi: Time? What Time?

 

Great Deku Tree: Time for you….

 

Navi: Yes

 

Great Deku Tree: To……

 

Navi: YES

 

Great Deku Tree: Get me Lunch

 

Navi: Huh???

 

Great Deku Tree: Chop chop!

 

Navi: ?!?

 

A few Minutes Later

 

Great Deku Tree: Now where was I?

 

Navi: Telling me about Hyrule

 

Great Deku Tree: Ahhh yes great place that. The trick is to……

 

Navi: No no no. About its Future.

 

Great Deku Tree: Ohhh right. Anyway an evil man is threatning Hyrule yadda yadda and a kid some where in this forest can save this doomed land.

 

Navi: Right where can I find him?

 

Great Deku Tree: 13 Kokiri Lane. Now go find him its time for my uhhh afternoon nap (speaks to him self) ohh good one.

 

Navi: It’s Mid - Morning

 

Great Deku Tree: Damn………… Look Just find this kid (mutters to self) Stupid Fairy.

 

Navi flies off in search for this kid but takes along time considering this fairy is stupid and can’t read signs for Jack-Sh!t

 

Navi: (talking to random Kokiri) Excuse me but can you point me in 13 Kokiri Lanes direction?

 

Random Kokiri: That loser. He lives in that Tree House over there.

 

Navi: (Confused) Thanks

 

Navi Flies up into the Tree House to find a complete Pig Sty you could hardly see the floor and some Kid was lying down on a bed snoring his head off

 

Navi: OI YOU KID WAKE UP

 

Link: (Snores even louder)

 

Navi: HEY

 

Link: …… uh (flicks hand at Navi)

 

Navi: NO ONE FLICKS A HAND AT NAVI (flies over picks up a book and drops it on Links head)

 

Link: Owww HEY STUPID Fairy

 

Navi: Well now I have you attention. Get Dressed we are going to see the Great Deku Tree

 

Link: (Walks over to his dresser draw and pulls out a Fly Swatter and hides it behind his back) C’mere little fairy I have a surprise for you.

 

Navi: (Anxious) Really? What?

 

Link: Guess?

 

Navi: Ohh I love games

 

A few minutes Later

 

Navi: Is it uhhhhh… A Book

 

Link: (Really Angry) NO IT’S THIS (Pulls out Fly Swatter)

 

Navi: (Scared) Oh. WAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH (Flies away)

 

Link: (Runs after) C’MERE YOU LITTLE BUG (Runs outside)

 

They Run out of Link’s house (not before Links trips over his railing and smashes  his face into the ground) and they run around for hours until Link runs into Saria

 

Saria: (Falls to the Ground) Ouch you little…….. Oh hi Link (Blushes)

 

Navi: (Quickly Flies around behind Saria) *Whimper*

 

Link: Hey Saria have you seen a Fairy by any chance

 

Saria: (Excited) WOW you finally have a Fairy

 

Link: Ahh Yea sure lets go with that.

 

Navi: (Flies out from Behind Saria)

 

Saria: So you lucky thing what’s your name?

 

Navi: Well I wouldn’t consider me lucky to have someone like him but The Great Deku Tree wants to talk to him

 

Saria: Oh True. It such an honour to talk to him.

 

Link: Yeasurewhatever can we go now.

 

Navi: Finally thought you would never ask.

 

 Link and Navi walk to entrance to The Deku Tree Meadow but is stopped by the Incredible (Yeah Right) Mido Forcefield

 

Mido: Whoah there Mr No-Fairy-(Pauses) THAT-NOW-HAS-A-FAIRY (To whole Kokiri Forest) WHO IS MISSING A FAIRY

 

Random Kokiri #1: Not me

 

Random Kokiri #2: Nuh uh sorry

 

Random Kokiri #3: Nope

 

Mido: Well then (Thinks of an Excuse) Uhhh you er ….can’t cause you umm don’t uhhh have a hmmm Sword and Shield (Mutters to self) Yea nice He he he

 

Link: Great (Walks off)

 

A few Minutes Later

 

Link: Well I got this Puny Sword and Crappy Shield can I go through now

 

Mido: WHA……Nope Sorry

 

Link: WHAT

 

Mido: You have to pass uh 12 tasks 1. Kill 3 Wolfo’s with your bare Fists

 

Link: How else can I get past?

 

Mido: Well just try and go through me

 

Link: Fine (Pulls out Sword and Cuts Mido in half and walks over his bloody remains)

 

Navi: Link what was that for?

 

Link: Lets just say I have a very very very………

 

2 minutes Later

 

Link: …very very short temper.

 

Navi: (Mouth wide open) Well you could use some anger management.

 

Link: (Shaking fist at Navi) What are you trying to insinuate?

 

Navi: (Quickly) Nothing nothing let just go eh? (Pushes Link Along)

 

Later in the Deku Tree’s Meadow

 

Great Deku Tree: Well young one welcome!

 

Link: (Looking around) Wh-Who said that? C-c-come out if y-you dare

 

Navi: This kid is meant to be not scared of anything and he is afraid of a tree WA HA HA HA HA HA

 

Link: (Uses fly swatter on Navi)

 

Navi: Owww that hurt!

 

Link: He he he

 

Great Deku Tree: *Ahem*

 

Link: So this tree can talk huh well I wonder how much money I could make if I put you in a freak show.

 

Great Deku Tree: F-freak Show (Starts crying)

 

Link: Wow it can cry too? What else can it do? It almost seems like it has human personalities.

 

Great Deku Tree: This

 

It uses its branch to try smack Link but he dodges and hits Navi into the Distance.

 

Link: Hey you are good for something!

 

Great Deku Tree: Wow thanks

 

They go on to Party until Navi flies back and crashes the Party

 

Navi: YOU TWO ARE PARTYING WHILE HYRULE IS IN DANGER

 

Link and Great Deku Tree: (Drunk) *hic* yep

 

Navi: (Gets bucket of water and dumps it on them)

 

Link: Hey what happened here?

 

Navi: You two that’s what. Now Great Deku Tree tell him about Hyrule.

 

Great Deku Tree: Ahhh yes well the trick is to……

 

Navi: No no no the other thing.

 

Great Deku Tree: Oh Right well……

 

A few Minutes Later

 

Great Deku Tree: …and I will die either way

 

Link: (Wipes his eye with a tissue) R-really well I’ll do it for you.

 

Great Deku Tree: Hmm you are really a good kid (Opens mouth) Enter young one and rid this evil from me.

 

Link: Right e o. C’mon you stupid bug lets go.

 

Navi: (Angry) What did you just call me?

 

Link: I..uhhhh… oh my look at the time gotta go Bye (Runs inside the Great Deku Tree)

 

Navi: C’MERE

 

A few hours later in the Great Deku Tree they approach the last door to the boss.

 

Link: Well what’s behind this door?

 

Navi: (Reading Map) Well it says the Boss Room

 

Link: Hey where did you get that Map?

 

Navi: Out of a chest you missed.

 

Link: Right well let…OUCH

 

Link was just hit with a Deku Nut

 

Link: WHO DID THAT?

 

Deku Scrubs: *Whimper*

 

Link: WELL.

 

Deku Scrubs 1 and 2: (Push Deku Scrub 3 out to face Link)

 

Link: SO IT WAS YOU HUH

 

Deku Scrub 3: Y-y-y-yes

 

Link: DIEE!!!

 

Navi: LINK WAIT!!!!!

 

Link: (Stops running) What?

 

Navi: (Flies over to Deku Scrub 3) Well can you tell us how to defeat the Boss or else I’ll let this Maniac…

 

Link: Eh?

 

Navi: Get you

 

Deku Scrub 3: N-n-no Please no alright strike her while she is stunned.

 

Link: Ok get out of here before I lose my temper

 

Deku Scrub 3: Thank You (Hops off but Link shoots it with his Slingshot) AAAIIEEEEEE (Dies)

 

Navi: LINK

 

Link: (Kisses his slingshot) You are useful

 

They walk into a totally empty room, aside from a few bushes and a pillar or two. Two things were strange about the room, however: There was an eerie fog collecting on the floor, and a strange, repetitive sound was coming from somewhere.

 

Link: What the heck is that?

 

Navi: ... I don't know...

 

Link: Hahaha, maybe one of the. (stops, and face turns white)

 

Navi: ....one of the what? Link? (looks up, and screams)

 

Queen Gohma: (looks at them, rolls its one eye all around it's socket, then drops down in front of them. It stands on one leg, and the other three legs loom over Link, and it roars several times and looks at him sternly)

 

Link: ..............AAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH! (runs away)

 

Queen Gohma: ROOOAAAARRR!

 

Link: (huddled against a wall) Good God, it's ugly! Oh, I can't bear to look at it! (shuts eyes tight)

 

Queen Gohma: (slowly advancing towards Link)

 

Link: (still has eyes closed tight, begins to throw things at Queen Gohma) Get away! (throws his sheild, a copy of "Kokiri Life" magazine, his lunch, and Navi all in the direction of the roars from Queen Gohma)

 

Navi: Hey! Don't throw me!

 

Link: (throws a deku nut at Queen Gohma, which lands at her feet and explodes, emitting a blinding flash)

 

Queen Gohma: (falls on the ground and begins spasming and palpitating)

 

Link: (takes a peek to see what happened) Hey! She's stunned! Apparently those Deku Nuts emit a flash for a split-second and temporarily stun whatever is in front of it!

 

Navi: DUH! That's what I told you as soon as you picked one up!

 

Link: You did? Oh. I wasn't really listening.

 

Navi: …………….idiot!

 

Link: (begins slashing and slicing and dicing Queen Gohma's eye)

 

Queen Gohma: (gets up, backs away from Link and climbs onto the ceiling)

 

Link: Ha! It's retreating! I won! Nah nah, in your face, ugly bug thing!

 

Three balls drop from Queen Gohma.

 

Link: Um...

 

The three balls burst open, and from them come little mini-versions of Queen Gohma.

 

Navi: AWWWWW! They're so CUTE!

 

Link: (fighting them off) Cute!? They're incredibly ugly!

 

Navi: (cuddles up to one) Can we keep this one? I like this one, let's keep him!

 

Link: (stabbing the others) NO!

 

Queen Gohma: (drops back down)

 

Link: You fool! You've made ME angry! Now you die! (throws a Deku Nut down on the ground)

 

Queen Gohma: (falls on the ground and spasms again)

 

Link: DIE, EVIL SPACE MONSTER!! (begins cutting and slicing Queen Gohma's eye as quickly as possible)

 

Navi: Space monster?

 

Queen Gohma: (suddenly rises up from the ground and shakes a little before its eye explodes and it falls to the ground and disintegrates into little tiny pieces)

 

Link: Yahaha! I won!

 

A circular blue portal appears on the ground, which Link walks into and floats upward.

Back outside, in front of the Deku Tree...

 

Link: Okay Deku Tree, we got rid of your curse. Now give us the money.

 

Great Deku Tree: Money? Never did I promise a monetary reward.

 

Link: (shrugs) It was worth a shot.

 

Great Deku Tree: Any way let me tell you about something.

 

Link: (Jumping up and down) Can it wait I need to go Toilet

 

Great Deku Tree: W-well

 

Link: PLEASE

 

Great Deku Tree: Fine go find a Tree

 

Link: (Runs up to Deku Tree undoes his zipper and starts peeing over the Deku Tree)

 

Great Deku Tree: HEY EWWW NOT ON ME

 

Link: Sorry but you’re the only Tree around here.

 

Great Deku Tree: *Grumble*

 

Later…

 

Great Deku Tree: Well now what was I going to do?

 

Link: Give me something.

 

Great Deku Tree: Ahh right well here (Uses his Magical Powers and gives Link the Kokiri Emerald)

 

Link: Wow nice (Takes it) I wonder how much I could sell this for?

 

Great Deku Tree: S-sell it (Starts crying) That has been in my family for 20 Generations Bo ho ho

 

Link: Hey can’t blame myself

 

Great Deku Tree: I can. So. Anyway go Find Princess Zelda she will be able to help you with your next thing.

 

Link: Thing? What thing?

 

Great Deku Tree: I uhhh well you shouldn’t have peed on me just say this to her “Triforce”

 

Link: Triforce? Who or What is Triforce?

 

Great Deku Tree: I – entreat -  ye -  Navi. Goodbye!! (Dies)

 

Link: (Frustrated) Well that helps.

 

Navi: Goodbye Great Deku Tree. (starts crying)

 

Link: Pull your self together stupid Fairy uhhh whoops (Runs off)

 

Navi: C’MERE YOU LITTLE RUNT.

 

They run until they are stopped by Mido

 

Link: Hey I thought I killed you

 

Mido: You did but Kokiri Never die

 

Link: Sweet then I can kill you again (Pulls out sword and cleaves his head off) He he he

 

Navi: Link

 

Link: What? Its fun doing that.

 

Navi: Can I try?

 

Link: Sure (Gives Navi the Sword)

 

After a Minute Mido’s head mysteriously reataches  and Navi Cuts it off

 

Navi: Hey you are right it is fun.

 

Link: Told Ya! Now where do we go? Wait you try it on me.

 

Navi: Yeah ok (Uses sword and cuts at Link but stops right at his neck) Look a sign…………. It says “Exit”

 

Link: Wait a sec! It says somewhere at the start of this exciting adventure you can’t read signs.

 

Navi: I ummm errrrr well ummm that is to say umm (Hides small dictionary) I learn things pretty quick.

 

Link: (Suspicious) Right well lets go (Runs off)

 

Navi: Hey wait for me

 

On the intersection between Kokiri Forest and Hyrule Field...

 

Link: Well, here I am. Leaving Kokiri Forest, my home.

 

Saria: (appears out of nowhere behind Link) Boo.

 

Link: Waaah! (falls down)

 

Saria: Ha, ha! Fooled you.

 

Link: That trick gets really old, really fast. What do you want?

 

Saria: (suddenly adopts a melancholy attitude) Oh... so you are going, then...?

 

Link: Um... yeah. That was the general idea.

 

Saria: I knew we were never meant to be together forever. You see, you are different from me and my friends...

 

Link: Why are you acting so weird?

 

Saria: (ignoring him) Here, Link... take this Ocarina as a token of our friendship... please take care of it. Whenever you play it I hope it reminds you of me. Please don’t lose it or break it that is my heart and Soul.

 

Navi: You got an Ocarina! Go to the Items subscreen and assign it to-

 

Link: I KNOW ALREADY!!!

 

Saria: But even though you won't always be here, Link, I know we'll be friends... forever.

 

Link: Well, I really must be embarking on my incredible adventure. See you. (runs out)

 

Saria: ... Goodbye...

 

Now in Hyrule Field...

 

Link: This is great! Look how big it is! Now we can-

 

Voice from above: Link!

 

Link: What? Who said that? …Is this God?

 

Voice from above: ...Yes. It's God. I'm here to tell you that you aren't going to heaven.

 

Link: Ugh! Why not!?

 

Voice from above: Um... your feet stink. Hehe

 

Link: My feet stink!? What kind of reason is that!?

 

Voice from above: Silence! I'm GOD!

 

Link: Yes sir.

 

Voice from above: Now Link, I'm going to tell you what to do next. If you head straight from here, you will get to Hyrule Castle Town. Go to the castle and find some way to get past their heavy security system consisting of several blind and deaf guards, okay?

 

Link: Um... God, sir... I'd like a little more information; that's not-

 

Voice from above: SILENCE FOOL!!!!

 

Link: Y-y-yes sir! I'll go right now, sir! (runs away)

 

Kaepora Gaebora: Hahaha, I should have thought of that years ago. (flies away)

 

Hours later, in Hyrule Castle Town...

 

Link: Wow this place is awesome

 

Navi: I’ve seen better.

 

Link: What do you mean? You have never been out of the Forest!

 

Navi:….Shut up!

 

Link: Well where to?

 

Night falls

 

Link: Brrrr its cold oh look lucky a fire (Runs over and puts his hands over)

 

Malon: OI WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

 

Link: WAUUGGHHH (Falls over)

 

Malon: (Jumps on Link) WHY WERE YOU TOUCHING MY HAIR?

 

Link: Your hair oh I thought it was a fire

 

Malon: Why you little (Beats the crap out of Link)

 

Link: Owww hey stop that hurts YEOUCH (Jumps up and runs away)

 

Later by the Castle

 

Link: *Phew* that was close

 

Navi: I’d say she is as bad as you

 

Link: …Shut Up (walks up to Guard) Hey howzit goin can I pass through?

 

Guard: Nope sorry you can only pass through is you need to.

 

Link: W-well I need to I uhhh Got to uhhh use your Bathroom

 

Guard: Well ok but hurry back (Opens Gate)

 

Link: Thanks (Runs through)

 

Later

 

Link: (Huddled in a corner) No Please no

 

Malon: (Closing in) NOW I’VE WANTED TO DO THIS

 

Link: WAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH

 

Malon: (Thrusts hand at Link showing him the Egg)

 

Link: W-what’s this?

 

Malon: An egg silly just wait for it to Hatch and use it to wake up my father

 

Link: And if I don’t?

 

Malon: I’ll kill your little Fairy

 

Link: Go ahead

 

Navi: Hey!!

 

Link: (Takes egg and thinks Breakfast)

 

Malon: Thanks oh and watch out for the Guards (Skips off)

 

Link: Right thanks. (Runs off)

 

Link slips past the rest of guards and makes his way to the side of the castle, where they meet Talon.

 

Talon: ZzzZzzZZzz... welcome to Lon Lon Ranch... have some fun... ZZzzZz...

 

Link: HEY! WAKE UP!!!

 

Talon: zzZzzZzzZZZzzz...

 

Navi: Why don't you use that egg?

 

Link: Hehe, yeah. (whispering in his ear) The chickens! The chickens, Talon! They're coming to get you, Talon! You can't hide forever, Talon! Cockledoodledoo, haha!

 

Talon: ...No... no, the chickens, no!

 

Suddenly, a full-grown chicken hatches from the egg Malon gave Link and hops onto the ground.

 

Chicken: Cockledoodledooo!

 

Sleeping Guy: ZZzzZzzzZZzzZz

 

Chicken: (Eyes widen, attacks Malon's father, snapping at his ear) Cocklleragakagurgle!!

 

Talon: ZZzzZzzZZzzZzzzz...

 

Link: Oh well. (rolls him, and pushes him into the river)

 

Malon's father: (wakes up) *Gurgle* *Choke* What in tarnation! (Flows away quickly out of sight.)

 

Out of pure luck, Talon happened to leave two boxes of milk sitting out which, if pushed into the s