The Legend of Zelda: OCARINA OF TIME REWRITE

Script Formation    Part II  (…………….still to lazy to do Novel Form)

 Firstly we do not own Zelda, it's kind of a human rights violation, plus we'd be done for treason, seeing as she is a princess and all. And also all rights are held within Nintendo, who own it all and were the creators. Because of this we should worship them.

Secondly………..Enjoy!

 Millions of years ago, Three Goddesses descended upon the Chaos that was Hyrule. Din. With her flaming strong arms created the Red Earth. Nayru. Poured her Wisdom on the Earth and created the Spirit of the Law. Farore. Created all life forms that would uphold the law.  (Basically, they created the world and stuff, but this way sounds much more atmospheric and metaphorical don't' you think?) When the Goddesses left Earth to return to the Heavens, they left behind the Triforce. Since then, the land the Triforce stood on has become sacred land, hence the Sacred Realm. Over the years there have been wars to claim the Sacred Relic. Many Years ago a Woman gravely injured rode away from the Castle towards the forbidden forest and entrusted her Son to the Great Deku Tree. I think that is how it goes, anyway let's see how things are turning out for our Heroes. (Heroes haha that's a good one *scribbles frantically*.

 In the Sacred Realm which needs some serious refurbishment, and maybe a few chairs.

 Ganondorf: Haha gee thanks kid I owe you a lot.

 Link: Sweet I'll take cash.

 Ganondorf: Well what I meant to say was I will let you live (Under his breath) For now. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *cough cough splutter* Oh man I need to see my doctor.

 In the Chamber of Sages 7 years later

 Rauru: (In a deep and dramatic voice) Wake up, Hero of Time.

 Nothing happens. Rauru sighs and throws a cukoo egg on top of the sleeping Link, which cracks open and hence, a cukoo pops out, and squawks in his ear then runs away falling off the fountain thus falling into eternal darkness.

 Link:  ARRRGH!-(Checks watch) -Whoah look at the time!...Look at the YEAR! How long have I been asleep?

 He jumps up. Rauru looks on him dotingly and shoves bagels into his hands, as well as a mug of coffee. Link struggles and stares at Rauru

 Link:…who are you?

 Rauru: I am Rauru, The Sage of Light

 Link: (Mouth full) Well… nice to meet you (Drops his coffee) Whoops

 Rauru: AUGH (Quickly grabs a bottle of Hylian Spot Cleaner and some rags and starts scrubbing) Oh no Oh no Oh no My Gerudian Carpet!

 Link: (Swallows mouthful) Dude, its just carpet!

 Rauru: (Gets up angry) It may just be carpet to you but to me it's my life. I mean, Hey I designed the Chamber of Sages! *glassy eyes* waterfall and pillars… genius!

 Link: (looks around, unimpressed) Could do with some chairs (Quickly spots Rauru's murderous look) You know to uhhh admire its tasteful view.

 Rauru: Thank You Link. (Gives Link a kiss on the cheek)

 Link: (steps back) …Whoah Hey. Noooo Touchy.

 Rauru: Oh *ahem* that is an old Royal Hylian Tradition. (Link overlooks the fact that Rauru is neither royal nor Traditional)

 Link: Right, cos in the Kokiri it's just a quick ass squeeze and we're on our way! Well Mido did that to me and whenever I did it to anyone else they would slap me or beat me up or call out Rape. (Turns to Audience) Remember folks it's not Rape if you call out Surprise.

 Rauru: (Stands behind Link.) SURPRISE!!!!

Link: (Pulls out his sword) Try saying that again!

Rauru: (Checks Link out, Link stands there looking slightly worried but is ready. Just in case) Oh no those clothes wont do. They are so 7 Years ago!

 Link: What?! My Kokiri tunic attracts the ladies and the Symbol on the Deku Shield, Totally Chic.

 Rauru: With all greatest respect it's totally grasshopper. I wouldn't be surprised if you rubbed your legs together and made my hair curl with the noise you would make. Plus you've grown, so every time you bend over we get a flash of your ………..*ahem* anyway. Come with me.

 Several Minutes later, Link walks out fashioning his Adult Link outfit

 Link: (Looks in Mirror) Whoah, Rauru you are a Genius (Starts shaking his butt in the Mirror) I look hot.

 Rauru: Yeah ya do (Starts blushing)

 Link: ……………..Right. Hey where is Navi? I'm pretty sure she'd have something to say about Age Difference meaning everything!!! (Rauru ignores these hints to stop coming on to Link, as "subtle" as his advances are..)

 Rauru: Oh your fairy! Yeah, she is around here somewhere. While you have been frozen in time Navi wasn't. She has stuck by your side like a companion should.

 Link: Oh man. She's gonna give me such a headache…

 Rauru: I'm sure she won't! She's been keeping herself busy with crosswords to pass the time, well, just the one. She's been on the same one all this time.

 Link: Well there isn't much room for a brain in that tiny frame of hers…

 Navi enters in tears, Link cowers, scared that she's going to be crabby from seven years waiting for him to get off his ass and save the world, but she doesn't even notice him.

Navi: Rauru! (Flies up to Rauru and grabs a fistful of clothing, on a normal sized person it would've been a pinch of clothing, but let's not go into conversion…) I'm on my last word and have been for two years ITS DRIVING ME MAD. Can you help me? It's a four letter word and its clue is "Something that holds chains together"

 Rauru: Ummmmm Link?

 Link looks startled, and then suddenly empty looking (a blonde moment, no doubt)

 Link: Urm…I'm not that good on Logic, as much as you've heard about me getting through all of those temples, it wasn't actually me…I used a walkthrough... (Bows his head in shame)

 Rauru: (Raises an eyebrow) You think I didn't know that? I first got my suspicions when I heard about you mistaking The Great Deku tree for a shrubbery the first time you went to see him! Anyway, I wasn't asking you! You think I'm a complete nutter? The ASNWER is Link.

 Navi: (Suddenly angry) WHAT!? I HAVE BEEN FIGURING IT OUT FOR TWO WHOLE YEARS AND THE ANSWER WAS SHOVING ITS UGLY HEAD IN MY FACE!

 Link: Hey! I'm the Hero of this damned RPG, it's compulsory that I am good looking- you think they'd cast someone like that Magic Bean seller for my part?

Rauru: Probably. The writers had to cut some budget and he was the only one who would do it for free. So far they are lying to you and are saying they are putting money into your account. Also you cannot touch it until you are 21.

Link: Dammit.

Rauru: Yeah and…….(only Rauru hears a gun cock behind him and mysteriously a piece of paper falls into his hands.)

Karl H: (Behind Rauru pointing the gun at his head.) Read it out aloud.

Raur: I Rauru the Sage of Light am forced…………….. (Guns cocks again.) I mean am saying this on my own free will. The writers are indeed putting money into your swiss account and you will only get it once you are 21. What I said before was the truth.…………….(Gun Cocks once again.)…….I mean what I said before was a complete lie. Thank you for listening.

Karl H: Thank you for Reading. (Disappears to write more Zelda fan-fics.)

Link: Oh that is a relief. I thought you were lying about me not getting paid.

Navi: *ahem* Do you mind if I get back to what I was doing?

Link: Oh right. You are still here.

Rauru: Go Nuts.

 Navi: AAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH (Slaps Link in the face as she passes in a flourish of glitter as she furiously scribbles "TWIT" instead of Link's name in the crossroad)

Rauru: I was only joking.

 Link and Rauru struggle to not laugh, and Link quickly sobers up as Rauru tries to hug him.

 A minute later.

 Link: (Brushing off his clothes from where Rauru had touched him) Sooooo……………. why was I frozen in time?

 Rauru: OH that's right. Well someone left me a note, something about you saving the world, it being your destiny to conquer the greatest evil imaginable- SOMETHING along those lines. But well I got tired of waiting seven years and basically you became a tourist attraction as you grew older and sexi- *ahem* anyway we put up big signs out the front gates saying 'COME SEE THE AMAZING ELF FROZEN IN TIME.' We had the whole Theme Park going on but the last two years were a bit of a drag so I just said "Hey I'll just let him go." Anyway I got some snap shots… (Hands link some photos)

Link: (Link flicks through some photo's with people pulling bunny ears over his head and shoving fingers up his nose) Well looks like SOME of them captured my good side. Hey what's this (Link pulls out a photo of Rauru wearing a Man thong) Ummmmm. Well………….Umm Navi what do you think?

 

Navi: (Takes the photo out of Link's hand and takes one look at it and starts flying around like mad laughing before smashing into a pillar and the photo falls into Links hands once again except he notices a message on the back)

 

Link: Hey what's this (Turns photo around With a note on the Back saying 'To Link. Hope you like this photo I took it just for you. Love Rauru XOXO and there was a lipstick mark on it.) Ummm Rauru. What. Is. This? (Shows Rauru the Photo)

 

Rauru: THAT'SFORMYOTHERFRIEND!!! *ahem* (snatches picture away, and tucks it in his robes, in the place above his hear) For Link uhhhh you know Link from uhhhh Kakarikko Village she is a girl if you should know (Shudders after saying the word Girl, then a tube of lipstick falls from his sleeve. But he quickly gathers it up.)

 

Link: (Suspicious) Right. The less questions are answered the better.

 

Rauru: Anyway-more important matters.

 

Several Minutes Later

 

Rauru: ………Well that should just about do it.

 

Link: (Sits there thinking for a minute) Haha you idiot (Link moves a Bishop to Checkmate Raurus King) CHECKMATE.

 

Rauru: NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I HAVE NEVER LOST BEFORE.

 

Link: You must not have played very much before have you?

 

Rauru: I have been playing for 50 Years online and have never lost before.

 

Link: OK then. When was the last time you played?

 

Rauru: Well uhhhhhhh.

 

Link: (Quickly jumps onto Rauru's Computer which is covered in cobwebs and an inch of dust on the desk) Well according to this you last logged on 49 years 11 months and 30 days ago and that was only the tutorial. HAHA YOU ARE A LOSER.

Rauru: How did you figure out my password?

 

Link: It's simple it was 'linkishot'. Also please don't search up 'Link Porn' in google search again. I hate people who do that. Especially YOU. (Points at Rauru)

 

Rauru: *sniff sniff* Fine listen take this Medallion and get out of my sight. (Lifts arms and down comes flying the Light Medallion)

 

Link: (Lifts arms to receive it) Whoah. How does it work? Do I eat it or something? (Link gnaws the side of it) Wait a minute! This is Cardboard.

 

Rauru: Well since you've been stuck in slumber, our budget's been cut by the producers- we've already had to use most of the solid gold to keep Ganondorf busy until you woke up! And it floated! That MUST mean it's Magical.

 

Link: No its not there is a piece of string attached to it (Yanks the String and looks up) Who's doing that?

 

Navi: (Comes into view holding a piece of string) Damnit… I was hoping you wouldn't realize- you do, after all, have the attention span of a moblin.

 

Link: ARGH! That's IT! So far I've been perved on by a fat old guy, been discriminated for my costume design, been hit in the head by a pre-menstrual fairy, been tricked into thinking I had a chocolate coin to eat (brandishes cardboard medallion) and oh yeah! I've been forced to sleep for seven years so I have chronic BED HEAD! …also I'm being used as bait for Ganondork .. I mean Ganondorf, but girls will find that hot, I hope! The bed head on the other hand…

 

Rauru: I think it looks quite sex-

 

Link: STOP PERVING YOU OLD WARTHOG! (lunges at Rauru)

 

Rauru: AUGH (Quickly Sends Link back to Hyrule)

 

Back in the Temple of Time.

 

Link: ARGH! Damn perve magic…I shouldn't have powered it even more by being irresistible…

 

Navi: (Pretends to be involved) Yeah let's beat the stuffing out of him…savvy?

 

Link: (watches for a minute before pretending it never happened. The best way to avoid a mental pixie) …How do we get back into the Chamber of Sages?

 

Navi: Well it's good to see you thinking about saving the world for one! (When in actual fact, Link just wants to sue Rauru for looking at him hornosexually. Navi Thinks)………………….. Maybe we shove the sword back into the Pedestal

 

Link: Ok, let's try that! Ya know Navi I'm starting to hate you less already.

 

Navi: (Blushes) Oh well I have been trying.

 

Suddenly there is a blinding flash

 

Link: AUUUGGGGHHHH (Shield his eyes) NAVI I HATE YOU.

 

Navi: (Also shields her eyes) IT WASN"T ME.

 

The bright light disappears and in front of the Pedestal stands Shiek

 

Link: Not meaning to be rude………….but who the hell are you?

 

Shiek: I have been waiting for you, Hero of Time.

 

Link: Here? (Gestures around cobwebbed old church) What are you- a priest?

 

Shiek: (Taken aback) Well when I say waiting… I mean gambling in Kakariko until Rauru sent me an email saying you were up- and how cute your butt is. That's why I got here quicker than I would have…(tries to sneak a peak, but doesn't have to try; Link does a quick twirl, accompanied by a wink. Until he remembers that Shiek is ((apparently)) a guy.)

 

Link: Then why say you have been waiting when you haven't?

 

Shiek: QUIET!!! I have yet to introduce myself…Look at me and my clothes with these pants riding up my crotch; they aren't exactly ordinary are they? That means I am one of the last surviving Shiekah. (this means that all people who wear weird clothes are Shiekah…Like weirdest dressing person at school. I.e. Drama Teacher Mrs Grubb. Just Joking. You know I love you very much Mrs Grubb.)

 

Link: Wait what happened to Impa?

 

Shiek: (Suddenly regains mysterious voice) She is safe, Along with the Princess of Hyrule.

 

Link: OK so you're not the last surviving Shiekah...(Shiek looks as if "he" is about to yell at Link, but Link cuts in) By the way what's your name?

 

Shiek: ZeldaummmmShiek.

 

Link: ZeldaummmmShiek?

 

Shiek: No, no just Shiek…………. I'm not Zelda.

 

Link: I didn't say you were-

 

Shiek: -Good! (shifty looks)

 

Link: Right then I had best be off-ya know I am the Hero of time and I do have to save Hyrule.

 

Shiek: Hmph. How you are Equipped? I don't think you will be getting very far.

 

Link: Why do you say that?

 

Shiek: Because to enter the first temple were you should find the Sage of the Forest you couldn't even enter the Temple without a certain item...

 

Link: So where do I get it?

 

Shiek: In Kakariko Village.

 

Link: OK then cheers.

 

Shiek: I shall see you later. (Throws down a Deku nut)

 

Link: AUGH I WISH THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT (Bright Light disappears and Link see Shiek still standing in front of him) Ummmm your still here.

 

Shiek: (Looks around) Oh right-the running! (Quickly runs towards the exit but trips over the Pedestal of Time)

 

Link and Navi: Haha what an idiot.

 

Later in Hyrule Field

 

Link: Ahhhh good ol Hyrule Field it's not much different from before.

 

Navi: Neither is the Town Market.

 

Link: Except there are Re-Dead everywhere you turn trying to eat you (Looks down at his leg) Excuse me do you mind?

 

Re-Dead: (Stops chewing) Oh sorry (hobbles off- moaning)

 

Link: Hey look Lon-Lon Ranch is still there.

 

Navi: Lets go have a look and see if the Ranch Owners can give us some answers about that item.

 

Link: Yeah and maybe we can find the Sage of the Farm there. C'mon Navi lets go.

 

Navi: (Mutters to self) Egotistical Maniac…

 

Link: I'm sorry what was that?

 

Navi: Nothing, Nothing lets just go see Malon. Shall we.

 

Later at Lon-Lon Ranch

 

Link: Well nothing has changed much since the last time we were here.

 

Navi: Except for the Fact the Horse Pen now has a gate.

 

Link: (Ignores Navi) Now where do we find that Sage. (Suddenly spots Epona because she is all red with some patches of white were we forgot to paint… Sorry) Hey look it's my horse.

 

Navi: That's not your horse! Malon just said it liked you.

 

Link: (Still ignoring Navi) HEY HORSIE. (Jumps the fence and runs up to Epona and jumps on but is bucked off Epona and lands at Ingo's Feet)

 

Ingo: Well, Well, Well. Who do we have here?

 

Link: (Quickly jumps up) I am Link, The Scared … I mean Sacred Hero of Time.

 

Ingo: Wait a minute. (Eyes widen as he stares at Link…'s butt.) Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

 

Link: Ummm no, you must be mistaking me for some other God like creature. (dazzling smile)

 

Navi: Oh god.

 

Link: Yes.

 

Navi: Oh Shut up you idiot.

 

Link: (Spots Ingo once again) Oh I am……

 

Ingo: (Cuts in) Works for me. By the way, how would you like to ride one of MY fine horses?

 

Link: Sure.

 

Ingo: It comes at a COST though.

 

Link: *sigh* How much?

 

Ingo: 10 Rupees for a minute.

 

Link: That's a steep rate! Mobile phones haven't even been invented yet and you're even worse now!

 

Ingo: Did I mention that you get to ride ANY horse you want. I tell you what, I will let you ride for free if you can tame that red horse.

 

Link: Sweet! (Pulls out Ocarina and Plays Epona's Song and Epona comes cantering up to Link and he mounts Epona)

 

Ingo: …(all his hair falls out in shock and agitation) Well there's something you don't see every day.

 

Link: YAY I ride for free.

 

59 Seconds later

 

Ingo: My, my you are getting better. How about a wager? One lap around that course. 50 rupees?

 

Link: Sweet. You're on.

 

So Link (Riding Epona) and Ingo riding a brown horse take off around the course. Link wins after throwing Deku Nuts, Bombs Bottles and cutting the straps in Ingo saddle..

 

Link: YAY 50 RUPEES FOR ME.

 

Ingo: @*%#!!!. Fine…double or nothing! If you win you …..you get to keep (Struggles with self) th……..that horse. (You're probably wondering why he's betting Epona when Link will so obviously win and he doesn't want to- well people, he has a script to abide by. However, his acting skills suck.)

 

Link: Sweet! That's a deal!

 

Once again Link and Ingo race around the Course. This time Link wins fairly this time.

 

Ingo: GGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I WAS GOING TO PRESENT THAT HORSE TO THE GREAT GANONDORF. (Regains himself) …HAHA!!! I did say you get to keep that horse. However… (Quickly Closes gates and locks them) I shall never let you leave this ranch.

 

Link: OK then. (Voice gets louder and louder as he says:) But you might want to get a higher gate- because Epona Baby and me are gonna JUMP IT!!! (Epona eats some grass while Link holds up his fist in triumph. He looks down at her, sighs and slaps her backside. Epona whinnies in a frenzy and bucks Link off and he goes flying over the gate.) Augh Damned Horse. I'll kill it.

 

Ingo: (completely over dramatically) WWWHAT THE-?

 

Link: Time to return the favour (Throws a deku nut at Ingo's feet, who jumps backwards to avoid it. It blasts open a random Cukoo pen and he lands on several of the Cukoos - uh oh..)

 

Ingo: (Gets up off the ground out of his Trance) Owwww my head. What has happened at this Ranch? Why am I …………. Oh no (Realises where he is and looks at the Cuckoos have all a demonic look in there eyes)

 

As all Zelda fans know Cuckoo's HATE getting hurt so we'll skip the blood bath. Anyway, all that needs to be said it- feathers flying, Ingo screaming, Inards flying everywhere cuckoos squawking. Graphic enough?

 

Link: Yay I saved the Farm from the Evil Boss "The Luigi look-a-like INGO" (Somewhere off in the distance Thunder starts to Rumble.) Now I can find Malon, Get the Farm Medallion and go on a hot date. Now where is it? (Looks around for the blue portal) Well that sucks now I have to walk and try to find her. Wait I know I'll call Epona and we can find here easier. But first where do we find Malon?

 

Navi: Maybe she is in the Barn?

 

Link: (Ignoring Navi) Maybe she is in the Barn?

 

Navi: (bored voice) Sure, OK lets all just ignore the Fairy called Navi.

 

Link: Sure I can do that. I've managed to sleep through all your screeching for seven years, haven't I?

 

Navi: (starts to scream, but all Link can hear is white noise)

 

Link: (Plays Epona's Song and Epona come cantering up and knocks Link over) AUGH. Damn horse. When I'm done trying to find you I will kill you. (Mounts Epona and Draws out his sword and points it in the Direction of the barn and dramatically yells out) To the Barn Epona.

 

Epona: (In horse Language) I'll kill him when we are done finding my Mistress. Hehe I know I wont move and I'll make him walk the whole two steps to the barn. Good One Epona. Also I wont do easy things like go into Kokiri Forest, Go up to Kakarikko Village, Go into the Desert and Go into the Castle. He can get off his fat, lazy a$$ and do it himself.

 

Link: Come on Epona. Lets go. (Epona stays still not moving except her tail which casually flicks every so often). Augh damn horse now I have to walk the whole two steps to the Barn. That's just pure evil right there Folks.

 

In the Barn……..After two steps

 

Link: I don't see…… (Spots Malon in the Cubicle next to him) Hey baby. How have you been?

 

Malon: Excuse me who are you?

 

Link: (Strikes a pose) I'M the Fairy Boy remember?

 

Malon: I'm sorry I just can't see it.

 

Link: What ?!? How can you not see it? I'm wearing my Green Tunic With my Trusty New Sword and Awesome Hylian Shield.

 

Malon No I meant the Fairy.

 

Link: Oh. Right. (Pauses before reaching into his hat and ripping our Navi and throwing her above his head where she flies around.) Bear with me please. She IS annoying.

 

Malon: (Gets up, surprised) You are the Fairy Boy! You look too handsome to be the Fairy Boy I knew.

 

Link: Glad you see it my way. Although my way would be that I'm hot ALL the time. Oh wait I am already hot all the time (Mutters under breath) Good One Link.

 

Malon: (Steps towards Link) It is great to see you but-(Kicks Link in the Groin)

 

Link: (Bends down in pain) AUGH. WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

 

Malon: (With every word she punches Link in the gut) WHERE WERE YOU WHEN GANONDORF TOOK OVER HYRULE HUH? (Punches Link in the face) WHERE WERE YOU?

 

Link: (Regains himself) I was frozen in time.

 

Malon: Don't give me the oldest excuse on the parchment! (Dumps the Milk bucket over Link's Head) GET OUT. GET OUT.

 

Link: OK, OK I'm going (Quickly jumps out the door as a milk bottle smashes over his head) Great Malon hates me…! Let's just hope Zelda doesn't hate me either.

 

Navi: Don't get your hopes up Link.

 

Link: (Rubs his chin) I wonder if she is as hot as me after 7 years.

 

Zelda: (Mysteriously out of site and whispers to self with tears in her eyes) Awwww thanks Link.

 

Link: Or maybe she has gotten as Ugly as Ganondorf.

 

Zelda:………………….!? He's in for PAIN!

 

Suddenly Zelda and Ganondorf appear from nowhere and start to beat the stuffing out of Link.

 

Ganondorf: (With every word he punches Link)

I….TOLD…..YOU…..NOT…..TO…..CALL….ME…..UGLY….I HAVE SERIOUS ISSUES OVER OTHER PEOPLE YOU KNOW.

 

Zelda: (With every word she kicks Link) HOW-DARE-YOU-REFER-TO-ME-AND-GANON-IN-THE-SAME-SENTENCE?!? ESPECIALLY-ABOUT-APPEARANCE!!!

 

Link: (Lying on ground with bloody nose and two black eyes writhing in Agony.) ………………………………………………………

 

Ganondorf: That should teach you.

 

Zelda: I hope you learned your lesson. (Disappears with a swish of cloak and a twinkle of a harp)

 

Ganondorf: NOOOOOO I HAD ZELDA WITHIN MY GRASP AGAIN AND I LET HER SLIP THROUGH. (Pulls out his Pink blanket and cuddles it) Calm down Ganny, Calm down Ganny.

 

Link: …………………!?. You have some serious issues.

 

Ganondorf: No I don't (Disappears with a swish of cloak and a snort of a pig)

 

Link: Well that was weird, but Hyrule just seems that way after seven years. I KNEW my absence would have an impact! Maybe they should've realized what a pinnacle of sanity I was in this cold world, one that simply needed my presence, just to keep it within it's wits…the realization of how you are the most important person in the world really is beautiful…(all this time, a violin quartet has been playing a sombre tune, and Link is now suddenly clutching a rose with tears in his eyes)

 

Navi: (completely oblivious to his moving and completely self-centred and big-headed prophecies) Haha you got beat up.

 

Link: How about you SHUT up.

 

Later in Kakarikko Village

 

Link: Well nothing has changed here.

 

Navi: Except it has more people, not Zombies.

 

Link: (Subconsciously rubbing the love bite that Re-dead had given him) True, true. So what did we have to do here again?

 

Navi: *sigh* we have to find an item to help get into the (Voice Echoes.) Forest Temple (Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.), remember?

 

Link: Oh yeah. So smart alec, Where do we go next?

 

Navi: I prefer Alexandra……….. and I have no idea.

 

Link: (Mutters under breath) That's coz you are a stupid fairy.

 

Navi: (breathes fire at him- Link cowers. Navi suddenly returns to sweetness and light) Maybe if we asked around town, some people would help? What about those two guys laughing under a tree?

 

Link: (scratches head) What about them?

 

Navi: Lets go ask them then you idiot.

 

Link: Fine but I bet they won't know… (Runs over to the two guys) Hey do ya know where we can find some treasure around here?

 

Two Guys: (Just stand there moving not making any nosie)

 

Link: See they don't know! (Smiles triumphantly) Lets move on.

 

Navi: Grrrr (Starts flying away but notices Link isn't following) Hey why aren't you coming?

 

Link: Oh just doing up my boots. Go on without me.

 

Navi: Whatever (Flies away somewhere)

 

Link: (Cautiously looks around and slips the Guys 20 Rupee's each) Thanks guys.

 

Two Guys: (Speaking with an Italian accent) Thank very much.

 

Link: I just looove to prove that little powder puff wrong…Now to be off……uhhh where do I go?

 

Two Guys: (Italian Accent) To the Graveyard.

 

Link: Thanks (Runs off)

 

Later

 

Link: Soo we are here now what?

 

Navi: I don't know. Maybe we have to get up there (Points to Shadow Temple)

 

Link: Or maybe over there (Points to Dampe's shack)

 

Navi: (Rolls eyes) Why bother coz there would be a Diary telling us to go to there.

 

Link: Lets find out.

 

Later

 

Navi: You found the HOOK-SHOT go to the…..

 

Link: (Seizes from out of mid-air) I GET IT. IF YOU SAY THAT AGAIN I WILL TIE YOU TO A BOMB AND THROW YOU DOWN A GRAVE.

 

Navi: Hmph.

 

Link: (Regains himself) Wow who would have thought as soon as I walked inside the hook-shot was just lying on the floor. Maybe those two guys were wrong about it being inside a grave with a gravekeeper who is continuously waiting for someone to go down there and claim it. Haha what idiots. Hey look a note. (Pulls off a piece of paper from the Hookshot.) Please come find me in my grave. Love Dampe. Yeah don't think so buddy. Oh well maybe those two guys heard a rumour or something. What idiots

 

Navi: Yeah they make you look like….. Wait did you say those two guys?

 

Link: Uhhhhhh……No.

 

Navi: You're an actual idiot. Do you know that?

 

Link: Yeah, but I bet you couldn't prove me wrong!!

 

Navi: Prove your not an idiot- no I don't think I could!!

 

Link: Oh shut up Navi and let's just go to the ……. Where do we go now?

 

Navi: You know what I have no idea- I dropped my walkthrough. Let's find Shiek and ask him where to go.

 

Link: Yeah let's go. (Runs off)

 

Meanwhile down in Dampe's Grave.

 

Dampe: Darn it. Because I am a ghost I couldn't pick up that hook-shot. Oh well I hope someone finds that note I put on there.

 

Later in the Temple of TIme

 

Link: Hey Shiek

 

Shiek : (Asleep) zzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz no no I don't want breakfast Impa can't you see I'm fat enou……zzzzzzzzzzz

 

Link: Ummmm. Should we wake her…him…whatever…it!

 

Navi: Na lets see what He/She/Whatever/it gets up to next.

 

Shiek Suddenly gets up (Obviously sleep walking) and runs out of the Temple of Time

 

Shiek: zzZZZZzzz I must save the castle. Daddy won't be pleased.

 

With their incredible speed Navi and Link run ahead of Shiek and wait at where the castle should have been.

 

Navi: Feathered Pantiloons of Ingo…I mean- Oh my GOD!!!

 

Link: Yes?

 

Navi: Forget your stupid ego- there are more important matters. Look at the castle!

 

Link: Well it doesn't look THAT different. I mean hey we are at Twilight Hour.

 

Navi Check your watch you idiot, its mid-day. And there is a difference. It floats over churning Lava and it has clouds going around it like a Cyclone.

 

Link: Oh yeah. I see they decorated a bit. I'll have to ask who their designer is…

 

Navi: *sigh* Well your treehouse with refurbishment- OH SHUT UP AND LET'S…wait for Shiek?

 

Suddenly from behind them Shiek comes running and slips and falls down into the Lava

 

Shiek: Zzzzz…. Huh wha…. This isn't the Temple of Time. And why am I falling. YES I HAVE FINALLY MASTERED TELEPORTING (Looks down) Oh darn. AAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

 

There is a lot of noise coming from Shiek while he is melting in the Lava.

 

Navi: (files nails) maybe we should help?

Link: Naa there will be a noise in a minute and Shiek will appear over there (Points to the Entrance.)

Navi: Oh I see.

A pop sound goes off and then Shiek appears at the Entrance

Shiek: What!? Oh I must be in heaven. (Spots Link) Oh No. He died. You weren't MEANT to die, you twit!

Link: (Runs over to Shiek) It's not a dream!! (A little over-enthusiastically, he gives Shiek a soft punch but considering he is soft it hurts a lot)

Shiek: (Falls onto the ground holding his arm and crying) Why did you hit me hard?

Link: It wasn't a hard punch! It would only hurt a girl if I had hit one.

Shiek: AND WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE TO YOU?

Link: A guy. Well, more of a he-she….but if you were a girl and I hit you then I could get thrown in the dungeon for hitting a female. If it was Zelda I just hit then I would probably get hanged or something worse than that.

Navi: Yeah and we ALL know you aren't Zelda. She isn't smart enough to pull something like this off.

Shiek: I CAN SO.

Link and Navi: …………What?

Shiek: (To self) Oh crap. I forgot I'm in disguise. (To Link) Haha fooled you Link. Now its my turn. Now close your eyes this wont hurt one bit.

Link: OK (Closes his eyes but puts both hands covering his parts that identify him as a male)

Shiek: (Punches as hard as he could but to Link nothing happened)

Link: …Ok you can hit me now.

Shiek: Dammit. Hey look over there (Points into nothingness)

Link: What! Where? (Looks around)

Shiek: Hehe. RUN AWAY.

Navi: What about the deku nuts?

Later...muuch later.

Link: (Turns around) I don't see anything…… Oh. Shiek left.

Navi: Good to see you again Link…now let's go!

Link: We're always going SOMEWHERE…Where to?

Navi: OH NO WE FORGOT TO ASK SHIEK WHERE TO GO!!!! (starts to panic) HEY LISTEN WHATCHA DOIN LISTEN LISTEN LOOKY HERE HEY HEY HEY-

Link: Don't worry yourself, little bug.

Navi: (pauses for breath) Oh shut up. Hey Link look at that. (Points to a note on the ground)

Link: (Picks up the Note and reads aloud) 1. Pick up dry cleaning 2. Learn to play the harp 3. Remind Link and Navi to go to the Kokiri Forest. 4. Tell Link and Navi about the other Temples. (In case of forgetting they are Forest, Fire, Water, Shadow and Spirit in that order except the last two can be done in whichever way they wanted.). 5. Meet that prince who keeps bugging me.

Navi: You see what this means.

Link: Yes of course.

Navi: (Surprised) Really.

Link: Yeah. We have to go to the dry cleaners and give this note back to Shiek……………then kill that prince.

Navi: …………………You're an idiot. This means we have to go to the Kokiri Forest and save the Sage of the Forest.

Link: How do you know it IS the sage of the forest? It could be Earth or Wind!

Navi: Forest is the most obvious one. Plus I found my walkthrough. Now Link listen. Sometimes I am not going to be able to help you with something's so you are going to have to remember those Temples yourself.

Link: Whaat why not!?

Navi: Something the contractors said.

Link: …Well why didn't you shut up SOONER?!

Navi: BE QUIET I'M TRYING TO WARN YOU ABOUT HOW STUPID YOU ARE!

Link: Don't be silly…Anyway I know the best way. We sing the Captain Planet theme Song.

Navi: …You realize this just proves my point. *sigh* Go on then, show me!

Link: OK here goes. "EARTH!" "FIRE!" "WIND!" "WATER!" "HEART!" "Go Planet!" "By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" Captain Planet, he's our hero Gonna take pollution down to zero He's our powers magnified
And he's fighting on the planet's side Captain Planet, he's our hero
Gonna take pollution down to zero Gonna help him put asunder
Bad guys who like to loot and plunder "You'll pay for this Captain Planet!" We're the Planeteers You can be one too' Cause saving our planet is the thing to do! Looting and polluting is not the way
Hear what Captain Planet has to say! "The Power is Yours!" (not me lol)

Navi: …………………… One problem. THERE ARE NO TEMPLES OF WIND HEART AND EARTH!

Link: Then you Just change them to Forest, Shadow and Spirit and re-word it. Like this.

Navi: N-no you don't have to repea-

"Link: FOREST!" "FIRE!" "WATER!" "SHADOW!" "SPIRIT!" "Go LINK!" (Links voice) "By your powers combined, I am CAPTAIN PLANET I mean the HERO OF TIME!" (From in the distance all the Sages Sing) Hero of Time, he's our hero Gonna take Ganon down to zero He's our powers magnified And he's fighting on Hyrules side, Hero of Time, he's our hero Gonna take Ganon down to zero Gonna help him put asunder Bad guys who like to poop and cry (Ganondorfs Voice) "You'll pay for this Hero of Time!" (From in the Distance all the Sages sing) We're the Sages, You can be one too' Cause saving our Hyrule is the thing to do! Taking the Triforce and making evil bosses is not the way. Hear what the Hero of Time has to say! (Link yells out) "The Power is MINE- I mean yours!"

Navi: ………….Meh. Let's just go the (Voice Echoes.) Forest Temple (Off in the Distance. Thunder Rumbles.)now. Please?

Link: *sigh* If you insist.

Meanwhile up in Ganondorf's Tower he looks down on Link with a pair of Binoculars.

Ganondorf: Hahaha that's right walk right into your doom Link. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA-

Random Voice from Behind: Come back to bed Ganondorf.

Ganondorf: Very well. (Thinks to self) If I sleep with this celebrity then I will be famous. Then people may recognize me as evil. (Thinks is his head) And in this evenings news. Ganondorf the holder of the Triforce has been seen out and about with popular celebrity Michael Jackson. They were last seen going into Ganondorfs Castle and have not been seen since. Also we have Hurricanes reported to be heading across the Atlantic Ocean………

Michael Jackson : Come here Ganondorf. Let me rub your shoulders.

Ganondorf: (Snaps out of it) OK. (Walks into the Bedroom humming the Captain Planet Theme song).

Later at the Kokiri Forest Entrance

Link: Ahhhhh. Good old Kokiri. It seems like seven years have passed here.

Navi: That's because it has you idiot.

Link: Oh Right. Hey look it's one of those Deku Baba's. Awww it's gotten so smaller.

Navi: Yeah it's so cute.

Suddenly A bigger one comes from out of the ground.

Link: (petting smaller one) Aw you're so- ah. Urm…RUN!!!!

Later in the Lost Woods.

Link: *pant pant wheeze* THAT was close. I mean as soon as I got away from the Giant Deku Baba I ran into that clan of Deku Scrubs and……….. I don't want to talk about it.

Navi: Yeah. Did you see that Deku Baba look at me? I think it wanted to eat me.

Link: Yeah I kn……………Hey Navi. Can you do me a favour?

Navi: Yeah OK. What?

Link: I think I left something by the Giant Deku Baba. Can you go get it?

Navi: (Glinting eyes) A CHALLENGE?! OK!!

Link: Oh and stay close to it if you can't find it. It's mouth gives of a pleasant fragrance!

Navi: Gotcha. (Flies away)

Link: Haha and they call me and idiot. Now let's find this Temple. (Walks off)

In the distance we hear a scream, A slurp and some crunching.

Link: What was that?..........................Oh well. (Whistles)

Later

Mido: (Using is incredible Forcefield of Nothingness and singing Spice Girls in just a loin cloth) "Stop right now, Thank you very much. I need somebody with a……………….. (Spots Link) Who are you?

Link: I am the Scared ……I mean Sacred Hero of Time in need of finding the Forest Sage so I can defeat this Land, Save Ganondorf and Find Shiek. Well I mean Defeat Ganondorf, save this Land and Find Zelda. I think something about chickens may have cropped up on the way but my lawyer advises me to not discuss it without him present.

Mido: ………………….Wait you look familiar.

Link: Do I?

Mido: Yes. Like someone I knew long ago. Someone I had a crush on and I made fun of him because he had no fairy.

Link: Yeah that sounds like………….Wait you had a CRUSH ON HIM?

Mido: Yeah. I mean he was Sooooo handsome…

Link: (preens) Go on?

Mido:… and he didn't wear underpants with his Tunic.

Link: Was that all you liked him for? And I'm pretty sure that was just a comfort thing.

Mido: Yeah, and I always made fun of him coz I liked him too much. If only I hadn't made fun of him then maybe he wouldn't have left me forever.

Link:…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………I think I'm going to be sick.

Mido: (Ignoring Link) If only he was standing here now then I would tell him what I just said to you.

Link: (Suddenly a light or candle (coz this quite ain't the 21^st Century) appears above Links head) Hey Mido. (Quickly scribbles a note) I just remembered I meet Link in my travels he wanted me to give you this note.

Mido Really? (Snatches note from Link)

Dear Mido

I'm sorry I left in such a hurry. But there was something I really had to do Seven Years ago. Or before. Maybe both, Navi's not here right now but she would tell me how long it was and that I'm an idiot if she was…where is she actually? Anyway- I am coming back to the Kokiri Forest soon. I was hoping I could meet you by the Old Deku Tree so I could tell you my true feelings.

Love. Link XOXO

Link: Hehehe.

Mido: *sniff sniff* He put hugs and kisses on the bottom. HE LOVES ME. I am going to wait for him right now. (Runs off)

Link: Hehehe that was TOO easy. Now to this Temple

Later at the Entrance to the Forest Temple. (Navi Mysteriously re-appeared from no-where)

Navi: YOU! YOU LEFT NOTHING THERE! I JUST HAD TO TALK MY WAY OUT OF A DEKU BABA'S STOMACH!!!

Link: You could talk your way out of anything…

Navi: YOU BIG- w