Script Formation Part IV ( .I am getting sick and tired of telling you guys this. YOU SHOULD ALREADY GET IT.)
Once again I have to explain this stuff to you. Two Things.
Firstly. We do not own Zelda. Those creators do coz they created her, and Link and all the other characters.
On last weeks episode of Ocarina of Time Rewrite. We saw our Heroes steal
Fine. borrow one of the Biggorons Swords and warp back to the
Lake. Haha how stupid of them. Now let us see if we can finish this story in this part shall we?
Somewhere in Hyrule Field.
Link: Cmon Navi we gotta hurry. Kakkariko village its only a few minutes away.
Navi: Look. I dont have to be drunk just to know a good time.
Link: Yes you do!
Navi: Whatever. Lets just go. Anyway we need to stock up on items.
Link: Yeah, Yeah that to.
At the Entrance to Kakarikko Village.
Link: Hey. I just thought.
Link: Which temple should we do now?
Navi: What? Youre an Idiot. We have done the other three. Forest. Fire and Water. Now its either .Oh I see your point.
Link: Exactly. Now lets see what Kakkariko has be Whoah the village is on fire.
Navi: Good spotting idiot.
Link: We should like, totally walk to the well and try to put out the fire.
Navi: Great to see you actually taking an interest. Only, One snag. The well is empty!
Link: Oh yeah. I forgot. Hey look Sheik is over there.
Navi: Hey you are right. Lets go see what he is doing?
Sheik: (Leaning over the side of the well throwing up.) Oh man. What was I doing last night?
Link: (Runs up to Sheik.) Hey Sheik.
Sheik: (Turns on the spot.) What? (Falls into the well by accident.) WAAAAUUUGGGHHHH. (Hits the ground with a loud thud.)
Link: Owwww. Dat Gotta Hurt.
Sheik: (Down the bottom of the well.) AAUUUGGGGHHH WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME. STOP. AAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.
Navi: Sounds like Sheik is in trouble.
Link: (Unaware Sheik is screaming and you hear roars that echo through out Hyrule.)NO Sheik is in the well.
Navi: You are an idiot. You know that right.
Sheik: WWHOOAAAAHHHHH (Comes flying out of the well and slam hard into the ground about 20 yards away.) Awwwwwwww. Im OK, my head broke my fall.
Link: Oh my god. (Runs up to Sheik and kicks him out of the way.) I found 50 rupees.
Navi: What about Sheik?
Sheik: (Weakly from the ground.) What about me?
Link: Oh right, you to.
A shadow comes from the well and starts going around the village before heading straight for Link.
Link: Oh no. STAY AWAY FROM ME. (Goes though Link.) AAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.
A few minutes Later.
Sheik: I think he is dead.
Navi: I call dibs on his iPod.
Link: Uhhhh Guys. Im alive.
Navi: Oh. (Goes close to Link.) Oh Link are you alright?
Link: Im fine.
Sheik: Good to see you are alive.
Link: Yeah lucky it rained and it put out the fire.
Sheik: Yes lucky I just played the Song of Storms. Ya know.
Link: OK. Ewwwww. What stinks? Something smells wrong in the village.
Sheik: Thats the sewage system. Well to be proper.
Link and Navi: ..Ummm. What?
Sheik: Anyway more important matters. That monster that escaped was sealed up inside the well escaped .
Sheik: Shut up. Anyway Impa has gone up to the
and try seal it up once again. She is in grave danger. Get it Grave. Considering the temple is in a graveyard. (A cricket starts chirping.) Shadow Temple
Link: That is like totally not funny.
Sheik: Oh you two have no sense of Humour.
Link: Its better than yours.
Sheik: (Started boiling in anger.) Fine. In my anger I will teach you a song that will lead you to that temple.
Sheik: (Pulls out a Guitar.)
Link: Wait what happened to your harp?
Sheik: Well .
Flashback and somewhere thats not Hyrule. Sheik is playing poker with some random people and is losing badly.
Random Person #1: You dont have enough to call Sheik.
Sheik: Wait. What about this? (Pulls out his harp and puts it on the table.)
Random Person #2: (Picks it up and examines it.) It will do fine. Now show your cards.
Sheik: (Slams down his cards.) FULL HOUSE. Beat that.
Random Person #2: Damn. I got a straight.
Random Person #1: Well you beat me.
Random Person #1: Thats what I would be saying if you actually did beat me.
Sheik: Wha !?
Random Person #1: (Places his cards on the table.) Straight Flush.
Back to our Heroes.
Sheik: and unfortunately it was lost to Davey Jones Locker after my fearsome duel with Jack Sparrow.
Meanwhile somewhere in the Caribbean Sea ..
Jack Sparrow: (Shudders.)
Gibbs: Wha is it Capn?
Jack Sparrow: I just had a strange feeling someone has been lying about me to make them seem stronger when in fact they are weak ..savvy.
Gibbs: Well well just ignore it capn. Where is our next headin?
Jack Sparrow: Ahhh our next heading. (Pulls out his compass.) Bloody thing is still not working.
Back in Hyrule.
Link: You know that is only a movie right.
Sheik: Yeah. But it was based on a true story. (Shifty looks.)
Link: Really? Well my life has been a lie then.
Sheik: Anyway listen to this song. (Plays the Nocturne of Shadow.)
Link: OK. I got this. (Pulls out his Ocarina and plays the Nocturne of Shadow.) Yay.
Sheik: Great now you have learnt this song I must be off. Good-Bye. (Throws down a Bomb thinking it was a Deku Nut and is blasted back into the well.)
Link: Haha what an idiot.
Navi: Remember what happened when you thought you could do what Sheik does?
Link: How could I ever forget.
Flashback. Somewhere in Hyrule Field.
Navi: Link are you sure you should be trying this?
Link: If Sheik can do it. I can to. (Throws down a Deku Nut thinking of where he wanted to go which has
.) .. .(Opens eyes.) Awwww man. It didnt work. Playboy Mansion
Navi: That is because you have never even done it before.
Link: I have so. Just .when .you werent looking.
Navi: Really? Well I will turn the other way and you try it then.
Link: Oh dammit. I mean of course. (Throws down a Deku Nut then quickly hides behind a bush.)
Navi: (Turns back around.) Wow he actually did it. Well I suppose I should try to find him.
Link: (Behind the Bush.) Haha what an idiot. (Something starts pecking at his foot.) Augh. Get out of here. (Kicks it.) Wait what was that? (Turns in time to see a whole horde of cuckoos running towards him.) Oh crap. RUNN ..!!!!!!!!!
Link: (Shudders at the Memory.) I had nightmares for a very long time.
Navi: (Cautiously rubs a scar on her arm.) Yeah. It was all your fault that they attacked us.
Link: It was not! You made me disappear behind that bush and the cuckoo was annoying me so I just told it no.
Navi: Fine. Whatever floats your boat. Can we just go before you make anymore excuses.
Link: Whatever. (Pulls out Ocarina and Plays Nocturne of Shadow then warps to the Graveyard.)
In the Graveyard.
Link: Hey. I have always wondered what was up here. Now we know.
Navi: Yeah. Let us become two cool explorers and loot out the place.
Link: .Ummmmmmm Thats very unlike you.
Navi: Shut up you idiot. I will be Lara Croft. Who will you be?
Link: Your Mum.
Navi: Good Choice. She was one of the best explorers.
Link: *sigh* (Swipes Navi from mid-air and thrusts her into a bottle.)
Navi: (Starts screaming but you cant hear anything.)
Link: I swear with every new story you become more annoying.
Navi: (Pulls a face.)
Link: Oh. So you want to play it that way huh? Well you got it. (Runs down the passage to the torches and lays Navi in her bottle on a torch and goes to the other end of the room and starts shooting arrows at Navi. Purposely missing.)
Navi: (Flies around like mad trying to get out of the bottle.)
Link: (Stops firing arrows.) Haha. Scared ya. (Lets Navi out of the bottle.)
Navi: (Flies at Links head bouncing off and continuously continues to do it.)
Link: Augh. Stop it. Ill put you back in that bottle.
Navi: (Immediately stops.) Hmph .
Link: Thank you. Now how do we get through that door? It looks like we have to do a certain thing then the door will open.
Navi: Thats what happens every time we have to enter a new
Link: Thats so far only been the (Voice Echoes.)
. (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.) WATER TEMPLE
Navi: Yeah whatever. (Looks around the room.)
Link: (Does the same thing. Only to look like he is doing something useful.)
Navi: I got it. The way to open the door is to light all of these torches.
Link: WHAT!? THERE IS LIKE A MILLION TORCHES.
Navi: Thats true but there is a way to light them all at once.
Navi: Remember that Great Fairy by
? Hyrule Castle
Link: Oh yes. How could I ever forget.
Navi: What is the point wasting bombs to blow up a boulder when there is nothing behind it?
Link: What? I just love blowing up stuff. (Sets up the bombs then runs away. The bombs explode and millions of the pieces of boulder come flying down on Link.)
Navi: You idiot. You used far too many bombs.
Link: Well it is better to be safe than sorry. Imagine bigger pieces falling down. That would hurt.
Navi: Fair enough. (Dust clears.) Hey look a hole.
Link: Yeah. I can crawl through that. Maybe there is treasure in there.
Navi: ..Is that all you ever think about. Money?
Link: Everyone does these days. I mean look at the prices of Dairy Products these days. They have doubled .almost.
Navi: *groan* Look just crawl through the hole and see whats in there.
Link: (Gets down on all fours and crawls into the hole.)
In the hole.
Link: Hey. A fairy fountain. Where are the pink fairies?
Navi: Maybe its one of those fountains where those prostitutes .I mean Great Fairies are?
Link: Maybe. Only one way to find out. (Pulls out his wallet and shakes it where the rupees start jingling in his wallet.)
Navi: Ummmmmmmmmmmmm. What are you doing?
Link: If a prostitute hears that I have money they will come to me.
Link: Or maybe I could walk up to that Triforce symbol and play Zeldas Lullaby. (Walks up to the Triforce Symbol and plays Zeldas Lullaby.)
Great Fairy: (Starts laughing and rises up from the pool.)
Link: Hey a great fairy!
Navi: .You idiot.
Great Fairy: Welcome Hero. To my spring. For your courage I shall reward thee with this crystal. Inside contains the Fire of Din herself.
Great Fairy: Oh ummmmmm yes of course. Just hold this crystal in your hand and pound the ground with your fist once and make a cool yelling noise as well.
Link: Cool. Can I try it?
Great Fairy: Of course. (Hands over the Crystal.) (To self.) Haha idiot. That is only a fake.
Link: Yeah. Im going to try it right now. (Holds the
in one hand and pounds the ground with his fist and makes a cool noise. Immediately a fireball surrounds him and as he stands up it grows bigger setting the Great Fairy on fire.) Crystal
Great Fairy: AAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. HELLLLPPPPPPPPPPP.
Link: Calm down. Just dive into the fountain.
Great Fairy: AAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH(Couldnt hear him because she was screaming too much.) (Flies around frantically before hitting the ceiling and knocking herself out but dies because of very VERY bad burns.)
Navi: Well Link you killed another Fairy.
Link: I could become an exterminator. Take away the ex and put Fairy in front.
Navi: ..Can we just go now?
Link: Wait! Maybe I can use Dins Fire while standing on top of the little platform? It has the Fire Medallion symbol on it!
Navi: (Has a closer look at the platform.) Hey you are right. Try it. It may work.
Link: OK. (Pulls out Dins Fire Crystal and is about to pound the ground.)
Navi: (Flies under Links hat.) OK. Go now.
Link: OK. (Pounds the ground with the crystal and a fireball engulfs him then expands and lights all the torches thus opening the door to the (Voice Echoes.)
. (Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.).) YEAH. IT WORKED. Lets go Navi we have another sage to kill, Gannondorf to save, find Hyrule and save Zelda. No wait. DO OVER. SHADOW TEMPLE
Navi: Never mind. Lets just go before you do something stupid.
Link: (Ignores Navi.) I wonder what boss I will have to face. Haha maybe it will be something easy and I would only have to stab them and they would die like that. Yeah that would be great.
Navi: *groan* Of course it will be an easy boss. That means we have to hurry then we can possibly get to it quicker and kill it.
Link: Augh. This was more of a waste of time then that time I tried to figure out what to do with the blue chicken.
Link: So you are saying you want me to risk my life and give this chicken to your brother who is somewhere in the world.
Chicken Lady: Pretty much.
Link: Well screw you. Im leaving.
Navi: (Stops Link.) Wait. Maybe we could find a better use for that chicken. You know trade it for items you know stuff like that.
Link: Good Idea. (Turns to Chicken Lady.) Ill take it.
During the night we find Link sitting by a river with a fire going and something cooking on a rotisserie like thing.
Link: Man this looks good.
Navi: Yeah it does.
Link: Now we will let this go for about 10 minutes. (Pulls out Blue Chicken.) So what are we going to do with this?
Navi: Dunno. Maybe we could sell it. I mean how many Blue chickens do you come across in a lifetime?
Suddenly another Blue Chicken runs across the screen.
Link: So far. 2.
Navi: Well Maybe its good eating?
Link: Yeah. Tomorrow nights dinner.
Navi: Oh. No wait. We are going out to dinner with Gannondorf and Zelda to discuss that business proposition.
Link: Dammit. Well
Suddenly Ooccoo falls from the sky.
Link and Navi: What the ..???
Ooccoo: Hello young traveller. I live in the skies. Can you help me to get back up there?
Link: What? Dear god no we have too much on our plate already. (Passes a plate over Navi who drops it.) Awwww Navi. (Turns to Ooccoo.) Sorry what was that you wanted me to do?
Ooccoo: I want to get back up to my home in the sky.
Link: NOOOOOOO. THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH TO BE ASKING.
Ooccoo: All I ask is you help me get back up to my home.
Link: (Ignoring Ooccoo.) Try and make it simpler so I can understand.
Navi: I said. Could we go for Ice-Cream after we have had something to eat?
Link: Oh yeah sure. (Turns to Ooccoo.) So what did you want me to do?
Ooccoo: (Getting angry.) I WANT YOU TO GET ME BACK UP TO MY HOME IN THE SKY.
Link: Well with that tone things just wont work.
Ooccoo: Sorry for losing my temper.
Link: (Ignoring Ooccoo again.) Its pretty boring for a cellphone to have a simple ring ring tone. There was this cool ringtone where Captain Falcon says Falcon Punch continuously for your ringtone.
Ooccoo: Oh forget it. Ill just wait for another few hundred years and ask again. (Runs off.)
Entrance to the Shadow Temple.
Link: (Shaking.) Man. This place is scary!
Navi: (Close to Link shaking also.) Yeah. I hate it already.
Link: Wait.(Flicks Navi off him and she smashes into the wall.) I am the Scared ..I mean Sacred Hero of Time. I cant be scared.
Navi: (Mutters to self.) As they say Brawn for Brains. But he has neither so we are screwed.
Link: Hey look. A very deep and long to get across hole. It would be bad if one of us fell in.
Navi: Well you could. I could fly out.
Link: (Quickly grabs Navi and puts her in a bottle shutting it tight and he holds the bottle above the hole.) Now you couldnt.
Navi: (Screams loud enough to just make something out.) LET ME OUT. NOW!!!!!!!!!!
Link: OK. Calm down it was just to scare you. (Lets Navi out.)
Navi: (Continuously bounces off Links Head.)
Link: Hey. (Swipes at Navi.) Stop it.
Navi: (Gives Link a very evil eye.)
Link: Maybe I could shoot my longshot to that place so I could get across. (Does what he says.) HAHA. I am so smart. S.M.R.T I mean S.M.A.R.T
Navi: Yeah cool. Use your brains to get us through that wall. (Points to a dead end.)
Link: Oh Crap. Well maybe I could bomb it or ram it down. Ill try bomb first. (Lights a bomb and throws it. It blows up not even leaving a mark on the wall.) CRAP. Now I going to have to ram it. HARD. (Runs at the wall and shoulder barges it. Problem is he goes right throw it and falls over in surprise on the other side.)
Navi: Wait. It is one of those walls that were there but werent solid. Remember.
Link: (Thinks.) Hmmmmmm.
Flashback 7 years ago.
In the Windmill.
Link: (Talking to windmill man.) So let me get this straight. If you were to crank that music box faster it would make the windmill spin faster?
Windmill: Oh yes. But I never would do that. Only if I hear that infernal Song of Storms .
Link: ..you are kinda playing it now.
Windmill: .on an Ocarina.
Link: On an Ocarina hey? Navi are you thinking what I am thinking?
Navi: No. You dont think at all.
Link: Ouch. That hurt. Anyway I play the song of storms on my Ocarina and get a free ride on the windmill going fast.
Navi: Are you sure? It could damage it very badly.
Link: (Ignores Navi.) Yeah. Time for a free ride. (Pulls out Ocarina and plays Song of Storms.)
Immediately the song triggers the Windmill man and he cranks his music box hard, thus making the Windmill increase its speed. Tenfold.
Link: Whoah. That is so cool. (Jumps on the windmill parts and gets very sick after while.) I need water. (Runs outside and dives from the fence into the would be full well.) AAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *thud* Owww. My head. Why is this well empty?
Navi: Maybe the Windmill drains the well when it spins fast.
Link: *groan* I just thought it dried up in 7 years. (Gets up and brushes himself off.) Hey look a passage.
Navi: Hey you are right. Lets go down and have a look.
Link: Yeah. It may be a
I can do while I am a kid. Sweet. (Runs down the passage. After a while he comes to a hole in the wall.) Hey I cant go any further. But I could if I climbed through that hole. Temple
Navi: Thanks Sir-point-out-the-obvious-a lot.
Link: Oh shut up Navi. Yoo Soo Crazy.
Navi: LETS JUST GO. OKAY.
Link: Calm down. I going already shesh. (Climbs through the hole.) Well there is nothing on this side either. (Walks and falls down the small drop.) Owwww. Why do I always fall down holes?
Navi: Because you are stupid.
Link: Shut up. Well that was worthless. It is just a dead end. Well there is a skullata then a skeleton and thats it.
Navi: Wait that skeletons spirit seems to be speaking.
Link: Whats it saying?
Navi: It says ..your shoes are un-done.
Link: Shoes. Oh dear. (Bends down to sort it out but stops.) Wait I wear boots.
Navi: Wait. Wait hold on. Its saying Haha.
Link: You are lucky you are dead skeleton!
Navi: Shut up. It saying something else. It says if we kill the skullata and we continue to walk straight then we will walk through walls.
Link: OK. I will kill the thing but will not walk through the wall. I am not that stupid.
Navi: Just do as it says.
Link: Fine. If I walk through the wall then I will give you a red rupee.
Link: (Kills the Skullata and then walks at the wall with his eyes closed. He keeps walking and doesnt realise there is a pool of water and falls into it.) EWWWWWWW KAKARIKKO VILLAGES SEWAGE SYSTEM.
Navi: Ewwww. So the well water has been sewage water. That is disgusting.
Link: (Climbs out of pool of water.) That is SOOO wrong. Why would they do that?
Navi: Maybe a bunch of inbreeds?
Link: Maybe? Wait maybe people flush stuff down the toilet. Maybe something valuable.
Navi: Yeah right.
Many years earlier
Random Sheikah: Haha I passed my exam of seeing things that shouldnt be there.
Impa: Yes *cough cough* so did I.
Random Sheikah: Well Im off to the pub. Are you coming Impa?
Impa: Yeah OK. Give me a few minutes.
Random Sheikah: Right. See you soon. (Walks out the door.)
Impa: Augh. I knew I should not have used the Lens of Truth for that exam. I need to get rid of it. Wait I can flush it down the toilet. (Flings it into the toilet and flushes it.) Haha. Now no one will ever know.
Back to the Well. (Sewage System.)
Link: Man that is strange. We found the Triforce symbol and played Zeldas Lullaby. Then the water drained away.
Navi: Yeah. That is strange.
Link: Yeah. (Suddenly stops.) Hey wait we are back where we started from. This place goes in circles. (Slips and falls into the pool of water. Minus the Water.) Owwww.
Navi: Haha you idiot.
Link: (Gets up.) Shut up. Stupid fairy. Hey look a chest. Oh wait it is only a small one lets ignore it and climb through that hole and find a bigger one.
Navi: WHY ARE WE STILL EVEN IN THIS PLACE?
Link: To find something. Treasure.
Navi: Or an item that can help us on our quest?
Link: Yeah yeah that to. Now (Climbs through the hole then up the wall into the next room.)
Navi: Wow. White arms and hands.
Link: (Walks up close to one.) Yeah it is strange.
Suddenly the white arm and hand grabs Link by the head.
Link: AAUUUGGGGHHHH. NAVI HELP.
Navi: Hold on Link. (Starts to fly buts stops when a big monster rises from the ground.) AAUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. MONSTER. (Faints.)
Link: (Cant hear her.) NAVI. OH FORGET IT. (Grabs his sword and cuts the hand off.) Haha I am invincible.)
Monster: (Comes up behind Link and taps him on the shoulder.)
Link: Navi stop it I am taking in this victory.
Navi: (Wakes up.) I am down here.
Link: (Looks down.) If you are down there then .(Turns and faces the monster who has lowered its head to get a better look at Link.) .(Turns white.)
Monster: (Pulls out a monocle and looks at Link.) Ahhh. Thats better.
Link: AAUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH (Stabs it in the face.)
Monster: (Screams then fall over sideways in slow motion. Twitching every so often before not moving anymore. Which means it Died.)
Link: Haha. That is what you get when you face the Scared .I mean Sacred Hero of Time.
Navi: Wait. Take a better look at that monocle.
Link: (Walks over and picks it up.) It is just a monocle. Except it has the handle, those three knob things at the top and it is purple.
Navi: Wow we found the Lens of Truth.
Link: The Lens of what-now?
Navi: Truth. It allows you to see things that are there but shouldnt be. Or stuff that is invisible.
Link: Wow so this is like a x-ray?
Navi: Yes ..I mean ..
Link: Haha I cant wait to try this out on Zelda. Maybe I could take a sneak peak through her clothe
Link: (Drops the Lens of Truth in fright.) Owwww. Dont yell in my ear.
Navi: THIS STORY IS FOR CHILDREN 12 AND ABOVE. YOU DONT WANT TO SET THERE MINDS IN THE GUTTER DO YOU??
Link: I cant do it anymore than what television has done.
Navi: You are hopeless.
Link: You are annoying but you dont see me complaining about it.
Back to our Heroes. Seven Years Later.
Link: Yeah. Then I did something that lead to something else and came here.
Navi: Yeah. Now maybe we can use the Lens of Truth to see the right way to go.
Link: Maybe. But anyway lets see how our villain is doing and come back to me later like close to the boss of this
Link: Oh. I thought we were doing a monologue for our next segment.
Well I will have to take his advice. Lets see how Gannondorf is going.
In the Gerudo Valley.
Gannondorf: (Speaking to the Gerudos.) So we must not let any men enter this fortress because they would take advantage of you and then you would get viruss like S.T.Ds and pregnancy and such.
3rd in charge Gerudo: WE MUST NOT THEM DO THAT. Whenever a male comes here we will then throw them in a cell and if someone tries to save them we set our Ninjas onto them. In other words our Gerudos that fall from the ceiling.
All the Gerudos: (All start to Cheer.)
Bridge Builders: (Walk up to them.)
All the Gerudos: (Stop and stare at them.)
Bridge Builder #1: Hi. Our boss is cutting our pay. We would like to join you and become thieves. After that we can get to know some of you better.
All the Gerudos: (Stare at each other before pointing there spears at the men.)
Bridge Builder #2: Augh. What did we do?
Random Gerudo: You will give us viruss if you stay.
Bridge Builder #3: What Virus?
Random Gerudo: S.T.Ds and Pregnancy.
Bridge Builder #4: What? How did you figure out our secret so quickly?
Meanwhile back at the (Voice Echoes.)
(Off in the distance. Thunder Rumbles.) A few hours later. SHADOW TEMPLE
Link: Man this
in confusing. I got the boss key and I cant get across to the door where the boss door is on the other side. Temple
Navi: Yeah. I mean I could fly over easy but I couldnt take on the boss.
Link: (Takes a breath in.)
Navi: (Quickly.) and dont ask I f I can carry you because you know the last time that happened.
Link: Oh Yeah.
At the Gerudo Valley.
Link: Wow this cliff is sure high. But dont worry if we fell the water would break our fall.
Navi: Or your neck.
Link: Well fine. I am just going to the Gerudo Fortress over the other side of the canyon. (Walks across the bridge to the Gerudo.) Hey baby. Howzit goin?
Gerudo: (Points spear at Link.)
Link: AUGH. What did I do?
Gerudo: No civilian past this point.
Link: Awwwww man. I only wanted to see your fortress.
Gerudo: No civilian past this point.
Link: Oh well. We shall just find another way across. Cmon Navi.
After many attempts to get across. (Involving a catapult, trying millions of seagulls to a giant peach that kind of stuff.) Link is almost ready to give up.
Link: Well I dont think I can get there. Wait Navi. Could you carry me?
Navi: What? No of course not.
Link: Dont be daft. (Grabs Navi and runs over the edge.) Oh crap you are right. AAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh(Splash.)
Back in the (Voice Echoes.) You know what. Lets not do that anymore.
Link: Wait maybe I could build that catapult and fling myself across.
Navi: Wait Link look at the bottom of that pillar.
Link: What about it. (Looks.) Bomb Flowers. Haha maybe I could throw a bomb across and blow them up making the pillar collapse making a bridge.
Navi: Good idea Link. (Shudders.) Never thought I would say that.
Link: One flaw. I CANT THROW THAT FAR.
Navi: Maybe you could fire an arrow with a bomb on it.
Link: I cant do that. Well not until Twilight Princess anyway. But what about a Fire Arrow?
Navi: Fire Arrow? Oh yeah I forgot we got that before we went to
. Kakarikko Village
Link: Must I tell you the story?
Navi: Nope. I can remember it.
Link: Wait what is that over there?
Navi: Looks like a grave or something.
Link: Lets take a closer look. (Walks up to it.) Hmmmm it says something. When the Morning sun rises over the Lake shoot for the Morning light. What the hell does that mean?
Navi: I ..Im not sure. But the sun is rising so we could try some stuff out.
Link: With what? I wasted all my equipment in the stupid
below us. Honestly I think the creators of Zelda try to make the Water Temples the most annoying in the world. Temple
Navi: What? Well what can we do?
Link: Well I have one arrow left. Hey looks it one of those birds that swoop at me. Grrrrr it is soo dead. (Pulls out his Bow and Arrow and shoots it at it. Missing it keeps going towards the sun.) Dammit I missed. (A noise sounds off.) Whoah what was that?
Navi: I dont know. Hey look up there.
A Fire Arrows falls onto the
Link: .what is it?
Navi: Lets go take a look.
Back in the Shadow Temple.
Link: Navi hello?
Navi: (Snaps out of it.) Oh sorry just remembering when we got it.
Link: Oh. Well lets try that Fire Arrow. (Fires a Fire Arrow at the Bomb flowers, thus they explode and the part of the Pillar collapses and it slide onto the ground. Then it fell the opposite way.) awwwww man. Now we DEFINETELY cant get across.
Navi: It was a good plan up until it fell the other way.
Suddenly as if some invisible force it falls the right way and creates a bridge across the gap.
Navi: Whoah how did that happen?
Link: I used the Force.
Navi: !? Why must you say things like that?
Link: (Ignores Navi.) Haha I am a Jedi Knight. Now let us kill the easy boss and Save Impa. (Runs across the pillar through the other door. Now he faced a new problem.) Awwwwww CMON HOW AM I MEANT TO GET OVER THAT?
Navi: Yeah. The boss door is all the way over there and there is no way across the 30 Metre gap.
Link: (Sits on the ground folding his arms and legs staring at the boss door evil-like.) I hate this
. (Picks up a stone and throws it at the boss door.) Let that be a lesson. (The stone bounced off the door into the gap but stopped in mid-air.) .!? Navi do you see that? Temple
Navi: Yeah. Maybe there is an invisible path.
Link: Yeah. Wait let me check. (Pulls out the Lens of Truth and finds a safe path across the gap.) Haha. Navi you were right. It like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. The path was there but you couldnt see it until you did something about it.
Navi: One flaw. THIS ISNT A MOVIE.
Link: Thanks for killing it Navi. (Reaches the boss door.) Haha. Now boss prepare to meet your maker. (Pulls out boss key and unlocks the door.) Awwww man we have to fall down that very deep hole. I cant even see the bottom. Cripes it is like Doddongos Cavern.
Link: Haha you evil monster you are beyond this door and I shall kill you.
Navi: Just be careful it doesnt kill you.
Link: It cant kill me. I am the Scared ..I mean Sacred Hero of Time. (Walks through the door.) Now. Wait this is a small boss room. Haha it must be one of those Lizard things that jump around all the time. Hey look a chest. (Runs over and opens it.) Hey I got a bomb. Why did I get a bomb?
Navi: Maybe it is a hint to get to the boss. Wait. (Flies over to the ground.) Try bombing here. I have a feeling that there is something beneath us.
Link: Let is stay there. It will die of starvation if it cant dig.
Navi: Well. Maybe it has treasure or something like that down there.
Link: TREASURE. (Sets a bomb where Navi is and waits for it to blow up.) Hey look a very deep hole. Well if there is treasure down there we must get to it.
Navi: Are you sure you want to do that? I cant see the bottom.
Link: Navi. That is just fog. Im sure the bottom isnt far. (Jumps down.) AAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *thud*
Navi: Link!! (Flies after him.) Are you OK?
Link: Im OK. Now where is this treasure? (Jumps up.) Awww man there is nothing here.
Navi: Lets turn around quickly to see if there is anything behind us.
Link: OK. (Turns around.) OH MY GOD. WHAT IS THAT?
King Doddongo: (Walks towards Link taking big steps.)
Link: (Frozen with fear stares at it until it opens its mouth.)
Navi: QUICK LINK DO SOMETHING!!!!
Link: WHAT CAN I DO? ITS HUGE!!!!
Link: Wait. Maybe I can electrocute it somehow.
Link: By throw this Phillip CD-I into its mouth along with those three Zelda games. (Throws a Phillips CD-I console with the 3 Zelda games into its mouth as it was taking in a breath.)
King Doddongo: (Starts choking before curling up into a ball and rolling into the Lava.)
Link: .I knew those games were bad but not that bad.
Navi: Link. Those games are the worst mistake the Creators of Zelda ever made.
Link: What the King and Queen of Hyrule made those games?
Navi: No the Oh haha very funny.
Link: *snicker snicker.*
Link: Wait maybe I can throw something down to see how far down it is.
Navi: Throw a bomb down. If it longer than four seconds then the bomb will explode.
Link: Or I could drop fairy down in a glass bottle son when the bottle smashes then the fairy can fly up and tell me how deep it is.
Navi: You dont have any pink fairies though. So your pla .Oh no. (Flies away but Link is too quick and throws Navi into a bottle and corks it up.)
Link: See. Why do that with a Pink Fairy when I have you Navi. (Holds the bottle above the hole.) Good Luck Navi and God Bless. (Drops the bottle.) Good-bye. (Takes off his hat and hold it to his chest looking down with his eyes closed. For some reason an army trumpeter starts playing his funeral song on the trumpet.)
After a minute Navi flies up the hole with the meanest look on her face.
Link: So How deep is it?
Navi: (Teeth Clenched.) Not deep enough Im afraid.
Link: OK. Well lets go then. (Jumps down the hole.) AAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH (Hits a giant drum and bounces up then fall back onto it.) That was fun. I want to do it again.
Navi: Look we have a boss to kill. Lets just get it over with.
Link: Very well. (Looks around.) Hey where is it?
Navi: (Looks around also.) I dont know.
Link: .Well this is just great. We come all this way to fall down a hole with nothing in it. Wait maybe it was a trap from Gannondorf. He could have taken the boss away from here so I cant escape. NOOOOOOO. I AM STUCK HERE FOREVER.
Navi: Gannondorf isnt like that. He would try to keep you from getting to him in a hurry.
Meanwhile in Gannondorfs Castle.
Gannondorf: Haha. I knew it was a good idea to take away Bongo-Bongo. Now Link will be trapped down there forever. MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
Bongo-Bongo: I miss my giant drum. I want to go back!
Gannondorf: Haha yeah of course .
Bongo-Bongo: Thank you. (Goes back to the Shadow Temple.)
Gannondorf: ..I am the best ruler of the world in the world. Now what did you want Bongo-Bongo? (Turns around.) Bongo-Bongo? Where are you?
Back in the Shadow Temple.
Link: (Lying on the drum.) *sigh* I am soo bored.
Navi: Well get used to it. Because we cant warp out of a boss chamber.
Bongo-Bongo: (Appears and hits the drum a few times.)
Link: (Gets up.) What was that? (Looks around spotting Bongo-Bongo.) .!? What kind of boss is this?
Navi: One that loves a drum.
Link: HEY UGLY. OVER HERE.
Navi: Nice one Sherlock.
Bongo-Bongo: (Turns attention to Link.) Why hello there. You must be here to play on my drum also. Cmon join in.
Link: ..Is this some kind of joke?
Navi: I am guessing so.
Bongo-Bongo: No silly. Cmon lets play the drum together.
Link: ..well. I think I am going to kill it. (Shoots an arrow into its eye.)
Bongo-Bongo: AAUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH MY EYE.
Link: DIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs at Bongo-Bongo and starts slashing quickly at its eye.)
Bongo-Bongo: (Rises up and starts to disintegrate,) THIS IS WHY I DONT HAVE FRIENDS. (Dies.)
Link: YEAH. I WON.
Navi: Good. Now one more sage to get and we can finally take on Gannondorf.
Link: You mean I can take on Gannondork.
Navi: Yeah whatever.
Link: (Enters the blue portal and is warped to the Chamber of Sages.)
In the Chamber of Sages.
Link: Well. Here we are in the Ancient Chamber of Sages.
Navi: Great Obviousness Link.
Impa: (Rises up from the ground in front of him.) Well done Link.
Link: Whoah hey look its Impa.
Impa: Good to see you still recognise me after 7 long years.
Link: Yeahyeah. Great to see you to. Can we have our Medallion?
Impa: By the way you know Zelda is disguised as Sheik.
Link: (Ignoring Impa.) Give me the Medallion.
Impa: Oh. Very well. (Lifts arms up into the air and the Shadow Medallion falls down to Link.)
Link: (Lifts arms to receive Medallion.) Yeah I got the Shadow Medallio .Wait what was that about Zelda?
Impa: (Sends Link back to Hyrule.)
In the Graveyard.
Link: Yay. Fresh air. Its better than in the
where it smells like rotting corpses. Shadow Temple
Navi: Yeah. Now onward to our Final Temple.
Link: Yeah. But before we go I will go get Epona for our journey. That way we will get there quicker.
Navi: ..Why bother. If we walked to Lon-Lon Ranch then we would already be halfway there.
Link: Navi. Navi. Navi. It is much easier to ride a horse than walk.
Navi: *groan* Fine. As long as we get there I really couldnt care less.
Meanwhile in the Chamber of Sages
Rauru: (Talking on the Phone to a Internet whizz.) So then I press finish and my internet site is up and running.
Internet Whizz: Sure do. Cant wait to see it. Goodbye. (Hangs up.)
Rauru: Haha. Now let us see it. www.linkishot.com. YAY IT WORKS.
Authors Note. If this internet link appears on the story mind you it does not work. Unless someone has already done it meaning they have no life. Now anyway back to our Heroes.
Somewhere in Hyrule Field.
Link: (Has been walking for 40 Days and 40 Nights.) I AM SICK OF THIS.
Navi: Well Maybe if you didnt keep walking in circles then we would have been in the Desert 38 Days ago.
Link: We have been walking in circles for that long. Man no wonder I passed so many things that seemed familiar.
Navi: *groan* Look maybe we can warp to the Lake and walk from there because that is not too far from the
. Gerudo Valley
Link: Good Idea. (Pulls out Ocarina.) Wait how did the song go? No wait I got it. (Plays Eponas Song by accident.) Dammit thats not it.
Suddenly Epona comes running up to Link from nowhere.
Link and Navi: ..!?
Link: Sweet. Apparently if you play Eponas Song then she comes running up to me wherever I am.
Navi: ..Yeah. Although I am not sure something that small could have carried a sound to the ranch when it is way over there. It is very strange.
Later at Lon-Lon Ranch.
Policeman: (Writing notes in a notebook.) ..and you say someone stole your horse and blew a hole in your barn?
Malon: errrrrr (Spots Talon looking at her.) Yeah. He said he would kill me if I ever told anyone.
Policeman: Right thank you very much. (Puts away notebook.) We shall keep in contact with you. (Walks off.)
Talon: (Approaches Malon.) Is it the truth or are you saying it to get out of trouble?
Malon: It is the truth! You know I am not that stupid to let a horse out of my sight.
Talon: Very well. But if you have been lying to me. Its sending you to the Castle to work as a sex slave for Ganondorf.
Malon: No Please anything but that.
Talon: I may change my mind if you tell the truth now.
Malon: Fine. Fine. It was that fairyboy. He stole the horse.
Talon: Good. Thanks doll. Now to tell that policeman. (Pulls out a pigeon from a pen and gives it a note.)
Later at the Gerudo Fortress.
Policeman: (Hands over a flyer with Links face on it.) So if you spot this man then hold him here and I will come and get him.
Gerudo: Very well. What do we get if we help you?
Policeman: 10,000 Rupee reward.
Gerudo: Wow. Thats a lot of money for stealing a horse.
Policeman: Yes, well, it is a very valuable horse to the owners.
Gerudo: Very well. Consider it a deal.
Meanwhile at the Gerudo Valley Entrance.
Link: (Rides Epona up to the bridge.) Well I must say this place has not changed one bit in Seven Years. Except that tent.
Link: I think I may leave Epona here because the Bridge wont be good for her to cross.
Policeman: (From the other side of the Bridge.) HEY, YOU.
Policeman: STAY WHERE YOU ARE. YOU ARE UNDER ARREST. I HAVE A WARRANT FOR YOUR ARREST. NOW I HAVE ALL THE POWER. (Starts crossing the Bridge.)
Link: Under arrest am I? (Unsheathes his sword and holds it by the ropes supporting the Bridge.)
Policeman: (Freezes in the middle of the bridge.)
Link: Now who has the power.
Policeman: Oh Sh!t.
Link: Now kindly throw that warrant off the bridge and run away.
Navi: Link do you think this necessary?
Link: (Turns to Navi.) Of course. If not I may not be able to save Hyrule and go down in history with Zelda.
Navi: ..Ummmmmmmm Yeah whatever.
Link: Now where were we? (Turns around.) . Hey where did he go?
Navi: When you turned to talk to me you accidentally cut the ropes supporting the bridge.
Link: Really? (Yells down the canyon.) SORRY!
Navi: Great one problem solved and a new problem has arisen. How do we get across?
Link: Oh .Well maybe .no Epona couldnt jump that far. Its impossible to do that. Well Navi. Seems as though we are stuck.
Navi: Maybe you should have thought about that before you cut off our only way of getting across.
Link: Wait I have an idea.
Link: We wait for it to rain and raise the river level then we swim across.
WHAT THE HELL IS IN THAT HEAD OF YOURS. THAT WILL NEVER RISE UP TO HERE.
Link: It could. It would just take a very long time.
Navi: Time we dont have.
Link: Alright. Ill think of something else .I got nothing.
Navi: Epona could maybe jump it?
Link: What? Like I said before Horses cannot jump that far.
Navi: Could do. What, its roughly only about. What? 25 feet?
Link: Well. Epona isnt like other horses. Maybe she could do it. (Jumps onto Epona and rides back a good distance for a decent run up.) Are you ready Navi?
Link: THEN LETS GO. (Whips Epona and Epona then takes off at high speed towards the broken bridge. At extremely high speed Epona comes to a sudden halt at the
and flings Link across.) Owwww. My head. Broken Bridge
Navi: (Flies over.) Haha you got hurt.
Link: Shut up. (Spots the Master Carpenter.) Hey look someone to talk to. (Runs up to him.) Hello.
Master Carpenter: (In Links face flinging spit at him.) CCAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Link: (Wipes his face.) Ummmmmm ..Why did you do that?
Master Carpenter: Oh Sorry. My Therapist said that instead of beating ..i mean yelling at my employees I should yell out really loudly.
Link: But not at someones face right?
Master Carpenter: Yeah. Oh. Sorry.
Link: You should be. Now how can I get to the
? Spirit Temple
Master Carpenter: Oh. You just have to go through the Gerudo Fortress
Link: What? No way. I heard that they are extremely Dangerous and will kill anyone who goes up there.
Master Carpenter: Oh that is a shame. I was going to ask you to find my Employees so we can build that bridge.
Link: Well I am not going. So there. They can rot for all I care. Wait. Why are they there in the first place?
Master Carpenter: (Seizes an
Opportunity.) Oh it was terrible. All the Gerudo Women came running here and took them away.
Link: Well in that case i Women you say?
Master Carpenter: Oh yes it was terrifying. Them with there Beautiful Bodies and bouncing breasts. It was terrible to watch.
Link: (Blank expression on his face and slightly drooling.)
Navi: Hello. Link?
Link: (Snaps out of it.) Oh. Yes how terrible to see. (Whispers to Navi.) I think he must be Gay if he is scared of seeing those things on a Woman.
Navi: I think he is trying to trick us to go to the Fortress and rescue his Employees.
Link: (Ignores Navi.) So. Where can I find the Gerudo Fortress?
Master Carpenter: Oh. Just keep walking that way. (Points towards the Gerudo Fortress.)
Link: Thanks. (Runs off.)
Master Carpenter: Poor, Poor Kid. Oh well.
Somewhere else that is not in the
. Gerudo Valley
Gannondorf: (At the front door to his castle stomping on a burning paper bag.) Damn Kids. I wish they would stop doing this to me. Ewwww yuk there was Horse Poo in there.
Michael Jackson: Well. I can help you to capture them.
Random Kid #1: Are you sure? I mean it could be a trap.
Random Kid #2: (Picking up candy from a trail of Candy.) Yeah. I mean, Hey its free candy after all.
Random Kid #1: Yeah fair enough. I thought it could be a trap after we played that Prank on Gannondorf. (Stops at a sign.) Hey what does this say?
Random Kid #2: It says Free Candy.
Random Kid #1: Wow. Where do we go?
Old Woman who looks suspiciously like Michael Jackson: (Comes from nowhere.) You want Candy, Child?
Random Kid #2: YES PLEASE!!!
Old Woman who looks suspiciously like Michael Jackson: Then Follow me. (Leads them down a dark alley.)
We then hear a scream and the swishing of a bag. Then Michael Jackson walks out carrying a Sack.
Michael Jackson: All too easy. I must thank Gannondorf for this Old Lady Costume. Now back to his bed ..I mean castle.
Meanwhile in a Jail cell at the Gerudo Fortress.
Link: Awwww man why did w .Hey wait a minute is that Carmen Sandiego? The woman who cannot be captured. How did you get in here?
Carmen Sandiego: Well I was spying on the Gerudo and fell through this hole in the ceiling.
Link: Right. Anyway why are we in here Navi?
Navi: Cant you Remember? It was like Two Hours ago.
Link: Oh Yeah.
Flashback. Two Hours ago.
Link: (To a big group of Gerudo Women who cant see him.) HELLO LADYS. YOUR WET DREAM HAS COME TRUE.
Group of Gerudo: (Turn and Point there Spears at Link.)
Link: Augh. (Puts his hands up.) What did I do?
Navi: I wonder what?
Random Gerudo: Let us throw him in the Cell and let him rot.
Group of Gerudo: YEAH!!!!!!!!! (All start to cheer.)
Link: YEAH ..Wait. What?
Forward Two Hours.
Link: Man this is the worst day of my life.
Navi: I know some people who have had worse days.
The Year 1945. Hiroshima, Japan
Random Man: あ あ、 日何人。 （アプローチ彼の車。）は何ですか？駐車違反ですか？私は、店で5分間だった。（突然車過去と泥の中には、男のドライブ。 ）オマン。この日はどのようになる可能性がある任意の悪い？
Whoops sorry guys. Let me translate that.
Random Man: Oh man what a day. (Approaches his car.) What? A Parking ticket? I was only in the shop for five minutes. (Suddenly a car drives past and splatters the guy in mud.) Oh Man. How could this day get any worse? (Suddenly a shadow appears below the guy and the sound of a bomb dropping.) Oh. My. God. (Suddenly for no apparent reason a monkey starts attacking this guy as it fell from the sky.)
Hehe. I just I would replace the bomb with a monkey. I really dont want to be responsible for a mass destruction/ murder. Anyway back to our Heroes
Link: Oh Yeah. Well. Maybe we should try to escape somehow.
Navi: I have been doing that. There is the wooden hatch up there with a Hookshot Point.
Link: Navi. How on earth is that going to help?
Navi: A wooden hatch with a HOOKSHOT POINT on it.
Link: Navi. I could never reach that. Wait a minute.
Navi: Finally you realised.
Link: Yeah. I can use my Spider-Man powers and climb up the wall and escape.
Navi: .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. WHAT THE HELL IS IN YOUR HEAD????
Link: A Brain and some fluidy stuff.
Navi: UNBLOODY LIKELY. Now.USE YOUR DAMN HOOKSHOT AND SHOT IT AT THAT HATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Link: Whoah. Calm Down Navi. (Looks up at the hatch.) Oh wait now I see what you were saying before.
Navi: .I give up.
Link: (Pulls out his Longshot and fires it at the Hatch.) Here is one good question Navi.
Link: Why didnt they take my weapons off me so I couldnt escape?
Navi: Good Question. Maybe they thought they didnt need to take your Weapons off you because there was only one way, getting dropped in and one way out. DEATH.
Link: Well. There is now. One way in and Two ways out.
Navi: Yeah but most people dont have a Hookshot or a Longshot for that matter.
Link: Fair enough. Now lets us see. (Looks around the Fortress.) Well. Our best escape plan is jumping down from here and running away like mad.
Navi: Wait. What if we saved those Carpenters?
Link: Why? We may get captured again ..or better. (Thinks he is strapped to a torture chair and a Naked Gerudo is coming closer )
Navi: Hey. (Turns to the writer.) Dont even think about going there.
Karl H: Sorry. (Walks off with head bowed in shame.) But maybe
Karl H: (Continues walking.)
Link: Anyway. Would it be worth it?
Navi: Probably. This is a hidden fortress and these are thieves. They must have some treasure here somewhere.
Link: Treasure!! Cmon Navi lets go.
Link: I dunno. What about that door right down there.
Navi: Good Idea. (Shudders.) Never thought I would say those words again.
Many Hours later in the Desert Colossus
Sheik: (Sitting down on the archway looking rock.) When is Link getting here? It has been 41 days since he finished the
. *sigh* I am thinking maybe the sages should have chosen someone who well ..wasnt so idiotic and stupid. Shadow Temple
Link: (Exiting the
.) Im telling ya Navi. There is no way I can do this Spirit Temple . There is a massive block I tried pushing and a hole small enough for a kid to fit into. Temple
Sheik: Wait. When did he get here? Oh that Link will be the death of me. (Jumps down in front of Link.)
Link: WAUGH (Falls over in surprise.) WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THAT?
Sheik: Because I can. Now listen to this Requiem of Spirit. (Pulls out Guitar and plays Requiem of Spirit.)
Link: OK. (Pulls out Ocarina and play Requiem of Spirit then stares at his Ocarina because it is glowing.)
Sheik: Now let me tell you how to complete this
. First you .. Temple
Link: (Cuts Sheik off.) Hey I just thought. All the song titles and the Temples names in them. How co-incidental.
Sheik: .I swear you are going to make me put an arrow through my head.
Link: But anyway. How can I complete this
Sheik: .You know what, I cant remember.
Link: And you called me stupid.
Sheik: Fine thats it you can do this
on your own. (Takes two steps back.) Temple
Link: Wait. Sheik. (Suddenly a sandstorm blows over forcing Link to cover his eyes. Luckily it is over in a few seconds.) *cough cough* Yuk. I got sand in my ears. Hey where did Sheik go? (Looks around but only sees a barren wasteland and a tall sand mount as tall as Sheik in front of him.) Man, Sheik has really got the hang of that Teleporting thing.
Navi: Anyway. We need to figure out how to complete this
Link: I told you it is impossible. There is an unmovable block and a hole big enough for a kid to fit through.
Navi: Wait thats it.
Navi: A hole big enough for a kid to fit through.
Link: Wait I see what is happening now Navi.
Navi: Thank goodness.
Link: Me and Zelda have a baby and send it through the hole.
Navi: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .!? You. Are. The. Worst. Hero. EVER!!!.
Navi: Look. Link think about it. A hole big enough for a KID TO FIT THORUGH.
Link: I dont get it.
Navi: Look. We go back to the Temple of Time and put the Master Sword back in the Pedestal and come back here as a kid.
Link: No. Wait I Have a better idea. We go back to the
and I put the Master Sword back in the Pedestal and I come back here as a kid. Templeof Time
Navi: I just said that.
Link: (Ignores Navi.) I am so smart. Why didnt I think of that before?
Navi: Probably because you stole that idea from me. Like Ernest Rutherford stole the idea from somebody else about splitting the atom.
Somewhere in a Post office.
Post office Clerk: (Showing off Paper work.) And so if you did that then you would successfully split an atom. I am going to be famous if I should this to people in important places.
Ernest Rutherford: Really. (Quickly grabs the slide above the clerk and slams it on his head continuously until he dies. He quickly checks his surroundings grabs the papers and runs off.)
Back in the
Sever Years Earlier. Templeof Time
Link: Ahh. It sure is good to be a kid again.
Navi: Yeah. But I can wait before we have to go back to you being an adult.
Link: Why do you say that?
Navi: (Quickly.) Cozyouaredummerwhenyouareanadult.
Navi: Because I have to wait Seven Years before you un-freeze.
Link: Oh. Right. Now to the Spirit Temple. AWAY (Points to the Sky.) ..
Navi: ..What are you doing?
Link: Oh. Just waiting for me to fly into the air.
Navi: Or maybe we could do the quicker and PLAY THAT DAMN SONG THAT WARPS US THERE.
Link: Yeah that to. (Pulls out Ocarina and plays Requiem of Spirit then warps to the Desert Colossus.)
In the Spirit Temple. 1 hour later.
Link: (Brushes sand out of his hair.) Why did I even try that?
Navi: What? Trying to get back to the Gerudo Fortress as a kid. That is impossible.
(If it is Possible. Without the aid of cheats and warp codes i.e Project 64. Tell Me.)
Link: Well next time I wont go there.
Navi: Yeah. Now lets go through that hole.
Link: Yeah. (Runs up to the hole but a woman is already kneeling there.) Hey what are you doing here?
Nabooru: Hmmm. (Gets up and turns around.)
Link: AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GERUDO. (Runs off.)
A few minutes later.
Link: Sorry for running off like that. I just had a bad experience with Gerudo before. They threw me in that jail cell and left me to die.
Nabooru: What? I have no record of that happening?
Link: Are you kidding it only happened a day ago.
Navi: (Quickly whispers in Links ear.) Remember you were an adult then.
Link: Oh yeah.
Nabooru: Anyway enough chit-chatter I want to ask you a favour?
Link: Depends. What do you want me to do?
Nabooru: Well I want you to climb through this hole and collect a very important item for me.
Nabooru: I want you to bring them to me.
Link: What are they?
Nabooru: Silver Gauntlets.
Link: What? You want silver cups? But there is no water hole here. It is just a barren wasteland.
Navi: Link. I think you are thinking of Goblets.
Link: Oh. My bad.
Nabooru: These Silver Gauntlets are like gloves except they are made of leather and other stuff and they cover part of your arm. But these are special. They give you super-human strength.
Link: What? They give you super-human strength?
Link: Screw giving them to you then. I want them.
Nabooru: Ah but there is one flaw. You must be an adult because they cannot fit a kid.
Link: Damn. Well maybe if I ate lots and lots of junk food and my arms might get fat enough then.
Nabooru: Look kid, Just climb through this damn hole and get them. If you do. (Comes up closer to Link and kneels down in front of him giving him a lustful look.) I will make it worth while.
Link: .SILVER GAUNTLETS HERE I COME. (Starts running to the hole but stops before it.) Wait so the Silver Gauntlets are jus through this hole?
Link: So there is like no big dungeon puzzles and stuff behind here as well preventing me from getting to them.
Nabooru: uhhhhhhhhhhh. Nope.
Link: Sweet. (Climbs through the hole.)
On the Other Side.
Link: (Looks around.) I think Nabooru lied to us.
Navi: Ya think.
Link: Man this is more frustrating then that time I tried to get Farores Wind.
Flashback to Zoras Fountain.
Link: Before we go back to Hyrule castle and give Zelda these Spiritual Stones I may just have a little look around here.
Navi: What for?
Link: Maybe there is some kind of treasure or something that the Zoras keep here.
Navi: Well. Where do we start?
Link: Well Maybe that place just over there. (Points to the Ice Cavern.)
Navi: Well It is open. But if we were to find something useful you wouldnt want to hide it in a place that says Hey look at me. I am a big Cavern and I have stuff inside me. It just wont work. What if we checked that place over there. (Points to some boulders over on a piece of Land.
Link: Fine. Just because your place is closer we will check. But if there is nothing there then you owe me 50 rupees.
Navi: Fine. And is there is something there you have to listen tome from now on.
Link: Fine. (Walks over to the boulder.) Well. I guess Ill just whip out a bomb and blow up this boulder. (Quickly pulls out a bomb and places it beside the boulder.) QUICK. TAKE COVER. (Runs and jumps in the water.)
Navi: Uhhhh. Link you forgot to light it.
Link: Oh. (Gets out of water and quickly lights it. But just as he is about to bend down it blows up and sends Link flying.)
Navi: Haha fooled you.
Link: *groan* I will get you.
Navi: Haha it was worth it though. (A Camouflage net falls down.) Hey look another cavern.
Link: Yeah. Why would the Zoras need to hide something like this?
Navi: Well Lets find out.
Link: Right. (Enters the Cavern.) Hey another Fairy Fountain. And some green vines.
Navi: .Link that is Drugs. That bad kind that if you coloured the Canadian flag green it be like this stuff.
Link: Really? That would explain the camouflage net. But there is still a fairy fountain.
Navi: Yeah. See what we get if we play Zeldas Lullaby.
Link: Right (Runs up to the Triforce Symbol and Plays Zeldas Lullaby and nothing happens.) Whats up with that?
Navi: Dunno. Try it again.
Link: Right. (Plays it again and this time she comes up.)
Great Fairy: (Rises up from the Fountain.) Hello young hero. Congratulations for finding my spring and how terrible you are here.
Great Fairy: Well you see I had been out gambling and lost all my money and some extra. So I had to sell some of this stuff to pay off my debts.
Link: So. Why is it bad?
Great Fairy: Well It belongs to the Zoras.
Link and Navi: . . . . . . . . .. ..
Great Fairy: So I didnt come up the first time because I thought you were Zoras.
Link: Do they know what you did?
Great Fairy: Well Not really no.
Link: Well. If you give me something then I may forget I ever came here.
Great Fairy: Very well. I have a magic power hidden in those vines so find it if you can.
Link: Why would you do that?
After an Hours of searching he finally finds something.
Link: Look Navi. Here it is.
Navi: (Flies over.) NO that is just an oddly shaped rock.
Link: AARRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING. (Pulls out Dins Fire and uses it to burn all the vines down.) Hey here it is. (Picks it up from under his boot.)
Great Fairy: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
Link: (Looks around.) Oh ..Well. Nice knowing you. (Runs off.)
Great Fairy: How am I going to explain this?
Zora Guard: (Walks in.) WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?
Great Fairy: Oh Crap.
Meanwhile back in the
. Spirit Temple
Link: (Clutching a wound on his arm.) Augh. That Iron Knuckle was so hard.
Navi: Well I was surprised you didnt die when it hit you and you crashed through that pillar.
Link: You didnt help. You just said watch out for its axe attacks they really hurt.
Navi: Hey. Listen
Navi: What the ..!?
Link: YOU ARE ONE THE MOST ANNOYINGEST FAIRIES EVER TO FLY THIS EARTH.
Link: (Walks through the Door and outside.) Hey look a chest.
Kaepoora Gaebora: Well Hello there.
Link: Waugh. (Falls over.) What are you doing here?
Kaepoora Gaebora: This is where I nest.
Link: Oh great.
Kaepoora Gaebora: When I see you now I know the tales of a boy who could travel through time are true. You have fully matured as an adult.
Kaepoora Gaebora: Before I leave I must give you one last piece of advice.
Link: What? If it is put the toilet seat down I know. I get it enough from Navi.
Kaepoora Gaebora: Two Witches inhabit this temple. They happen to be Gannondorfs mothers.
Link: Whoah. Whoah. Whoah. How is that even possible? You cant have two mothers.
Navi: Well you could. Maybe one of them was a guy then after Gannondorf was born one of them had a sex change. Like that girl who was pregnant and changed sex to a guy and claimed they were the first male to be pregnant.
Link: That person is NOT the first male to be pregnant. That movie with Arnold Schwiezinager was the first guy to be pregnant WITHOUT the sex change.
Navi: That movie is fictional. Most movies these days are just made up. Like James Bond. I dont see him driving an Aston Martin down the streets of Hyrule.
Link: Probably because we are in a different time than he is.
Kaepoora Gaebora: *sigh* (Flies off.)
Navi: Then if we are in a different time HOW COME WE KNOW ABOUT HIS STUFF.
Link: OH DONT START ON ME. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO STARTED ALL THIS.
Navi: OH YES. BLAME THE FAIRY BECAUSE IT IS ANNOYING.
Link: YOU ARE.
Several Hours Later
Link: THATS IT NAVI. SHUT UP OR ELSE I WILL DO IT FOR YOU.
Navi: Fine. Just jump in that chest and get the item
Link: I wonder what is in here. (Opens the chest and jumps in.)
Navi: If my guesses are correct, and they normally are, it would be the Silver Gauntlets.
Link: (Jumps out of the Chest.) Well you were right. They are.
Navi: Sweet. Now we can go through the other entrance with that big block blocking the way.
Link: Na we have to give them to Nabooru, besides she says she will make it worth our while. (Thinks of Nabooru.)
Navi: Whats the point lets just .Uhhhhhh. Link?
Link: (Blank expression on his face and slightly drooling.)
Navi: (Breathes in to yell at Link.)
Random Voice: AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?
Link: (Snaps out of it.) Huh. What?
Navi: Quickly come look at this.
Link: (Runs to Navi and looks down spotting Nabooru.) Oh My God.
Nabooru: (Sinking into a Portal with Two witches flying around her.) AARRRRGGGHHHHH YOURE. YOURE GANNONDORFS MINIONS ARENT YOU?
Koume: Of course we are. Do you think we would let our surrogate son throw his life away by going to university and becoming a doctor? No. We made him chase the Triforce.
Link: (To Self.) So it was all there fault he was so evil.
Kotake: Now go to his Castle and work as a slave.
Nabooru: NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (Looks up and spots Link.) LINK. HELP ME.
Link: Oh crap. (Hides.)
Nabooru: AARRRRGGGGGHHHHH YOU LITTLE SHI .(Rest of her words are cut short because she then disappears.)
Koume: Kotake. Did she ask for someone to help?
Kotake: She sure did. Quickly lets go into the
and kill that person she asked for help. Temple
Koume and Kotake: (Start cackling and fly into the
Link: Aw Oh. We are in trouble now. Quick Navi think of a plan?
Navi: Well. They wont be here in 7 years.
Link: NAVI. They will be here in 7 minutes.
Navi: Think about it. SEVEN YEARS.
Link: Wait a minute. I got it.
Navi: Thank god.
Link: We warp out of here.
Link: But I dont know where to go.
Navi: .THE TEMPLE OF DAMN TIME YOU COMPLETE NUTTER.
Link: Hey that works. Then I can go forwards in time and come back here when the Silver Gauntlets can fit me.
Navi: Good Plan Link.
Link: Yeah. Thats me. The Planmaker. (Quickly pulls out Ocarina and plays Prelude of Light and warps to the
.) Templeof Time
In the Temple of Time.
Link: Well I guess we will pull out this sword and go forward in Seven Years.
Link: AUGH. (Covers his ears.) WHAT?
Navi: (Grabs a Wii-Mote.) Just getting ready for my Seven Year Period of playing Super Smash Bros Brawl. It is the best damn game ever that you can play it forever and never get tired of it.
Karl H: (Appears from nowhere.) I heartly agree with Navi. Best. Game. Ever.
Link: Whoah How do you keep doing that?
Karl H: It is inside my own imagination. I can do whatever I want. (Runs off.)
Navi: .Well that was random.
Link: Oh well. (Pulls the Sword out of the stone.)
Seven Years Later.
Link: Ahhhh. Good to be an Adult again.
Navi: Oh. Your awake. (Throws down Wii-Mote.) It was just getting good. I just unlocked Lucario.
Link: Hey. (Looks at his wrists.) Who put these on me?
Navi: What the Silver Gauntlets? I think it was Rauru.
Navi: Yeah. Before you seek vengeance can we please finish the
? Spirit Temple
Link: Fine. (Pulls out Ocarina and Plays the Requiem of Spirit and Warps to the Desert.)
Later in the Spirit Temple.
Link: Wow that was cool. I now have super human strength. I AM SUPERMAN.
Superman: (Flies in.) Yes?
Link: Still dont need you.
Superman: *sniff* (Flies away.)
Link: Man he is more annoying then that guy I tried to sell the Bunny Mask to.
Flashback. Somewhere in Hyrule Field.
Link: Well. I hope this guy will buy this mask because I have asked everyone in Hyrule.
Navi: If you can catch him. Looks like he runs pretty quick.
Link: HEY. YOU. (Runs after him.) DO YOU WANT TO BUY THIS MASK?
Running Man: Must. Beat. My. Old. Time. (Stops and checks his watch.)
Link: Sweet he stopped.
Running Man: DAMN. Short by one second. Well time to try beat it again. (Runs off at high speed.)
Link: HEY. (Runs after him.)
Several Hours Later.
Link: (Collapses breathing hard.) I. Am. Never. Chasing. Him. Again.
Navi: Next time just shoot him and take his wallet and throw away the mask.
Link: No Navi. (Gets up.) I have a commitment and I am not letting down that mask shop guy. Beside have you seen his face when I didnt have enough money? *shudders*
Navi: Well. I am sure the mask doesnt cost much. Lets just throw it away and pay your own money to him.
Link: You know Navi. I think I hate you now.
Back to the Spirit Temple.
Link: Well. We cant get through that door and I see no puzzle to open it.
Navi: Well. (Flies over in between the Four Armos statues.) Maybe if you stood on this switch maybe something would happen.
Link: Maybe. But remember earlier that switch jumped back up once I got off it.
Navi: Well ..Push one of the statues on top maybe?
Link: Right. (Runs over and tries to push the statue but it comes alive and starts attacking.) AUUGGGHHHHH. (Stabs it.) How do those things keep coming alive and attacking me?
Karl H: (Hiding in the Shadows holding the Dominion Rod.) He. He. He Ive been playing to much Twilight Princess. (Pulls on an invisibility cloak.) maybe been reading too much Harry Potter.
Back to our Heroes who have been trying for an hour to open the door. Which involved Link stepping on the switch then running like mad but watching the door close in front of his nose.
Link: If that door closes once more in front of my face then I am going to do something terrible.
Navi: Like what?
Link: Oh you will see. Wait a minute. I have an idea.
Navi: Great. Does it involve blowing things up.
Link: Not this time. (Runs over and stand by the door.) Now Navi. Watch this. (Pulls out Bow and Arrow and shoots an Armos statue. It starts jumping around then jumps on the switch and the door unlocks.) Ha. I knew it would happen. (Quickly goes through the door.)
Navi: I am surprised you figured out how to get through that door by yourself. Well I suppose there is a first time for everything.
Link: Shut up you insignificant fairy. No one speaks to the Hero of Time that way. But then again you are right. (Hits himself in the head.) What are you saying Link? Listening to Navi like that.
Navi: Yeah HEY!
Link: Anyway lets see what is though this door. (Walks through the door then it locks behind him.) Crap. We are locked in.
Navi: Why are you talking like that? Its not like there is some people out there reading this.
Link: Yeah. You are right. Its like Oh, Hey look at me Im a story on the Internet you should read me. It Just isnt right Navi.
Navi: I Heartily agree with you. Oh no.
Link: Whats Oh no? I wanna say Oh no. (Looks at what Navi said Oh no to.) Awww crap. Not another one. Those damn Iron Knuckles will be the death of me. Literally I barely escaped with my own life last time.
Navi: Well. You should be much stronger now that you have a Powerful Sword and an even more powerful sword.
Link: Yeah. (Draws out his sword.) HEY. YOU! BIG DUMMY. (Charges at Iron Knuckle.)
Navi: Haha. I love giving him false confidence.
A Few Minutes later .(What? Im saving all the good action until later I promise .Hehe suckers.)
Link: Well that was easier.
Navi: I suppose. At least it was done quicker than last time.
Link: I suppose. Hey look we are on the other side of the
Navi: Yeah. Look there is the Chest where we got the Silver Gauntlets.
Link: Maybe there is a chest over here.
Navi: Well. Where is it?
Link: Oh Well Im not sure.
Navi: Why am I not surprised. Maybe it will just fall from the sky.
Suddenly a giant chest falls from the sky.
Link: . I think this is what they call Irony.
Navi: Oh shut up and get the item. (Mutters to self.) How the hell did that happen?
Link: (Pulls out a Mirror Shield.)
Navi: Wow. You got the Mirror Shield. Go to the Equipment Subscreen and
Link: (Cuts navi off.) Navi.
Link: SHUT UP!!!
Navi: *whimper* OK.
Link: Good. Now where was I?
Navi: Holding the Shield above your head and I was going to say what to do.
Link: Oh. Right. (Goes to do it but stops.) Wait a minute. Nice try Navi.
Link: Anyway. This Shield is much better than my Hylian shield. But me and it have been through so much. I am going to hold onto both.
Navi: Great now let us get to the boss room.
For now let us see what else is happening in Hyrule .Where to look? Lake Hylia .Nope nothing decent happening there. How about Kakkariko Village Nothing. Wait There is something happening at
. Lets take a look. Ganons Castle
Ganondorf: (You only see Ganondorfs head as he is looking down at what Nabooru is doing.) Cmon Nabooru. Cmon. HARDER. FASTER FASTER. CMON NABOORU CMON. CMON. FASTER OH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats the way.
Nabooru: (Gets up.) I have finished scrubbing the floor with that scrubbing brush.
Ganondorf: I told you it would be quicker if you did it harder and faster. Now go see my mothers they have something for you to do.
Nabooru: Yes (Struggles with self.) .Lord Ganondorf.
Ganondorf: See. I dont need to keep using those mind-control spells on you.
Augh. It is getting boring here let us see how our Heroes are going.
A Few Hours Later.
Link: So We have that sunlight here and we shone it at that sun thing and now we have lowered this damn thing. Now what do we do?
Navi: I am not sure. The map says we have to go straight. But that statue is in the way.
Link: Well ..I wont be lifting that in a Hurry.
Navi: Wait. Maybe we have to bomb her face.
Link: Yeah. I could throw a bomb that far if my life depended on it.
Navi: Well .This light may have something to do with it So .I have no idea what to do.
Link: Neither. Maybe we should just sit down and think about it.
For the Next 22 hours Link and Navi sit there and continue to stare at the Statue.
Link: AUGH. I have had it. Navi you can figure this out. I am just going to read a comic. (Pulls out a Pokemon Comic.)
Navi: Whatever. (Continues to stare at the Statue.)
Another half-hour passes.
Link: Wait a minute. Navi. I think I know what to do.
Navi: You do?
Link: Yeah. (Throws down comic.) Look at it like this. The Light is down here for a reason. We could try use my Mirror Shield and reflect light at the Face of the statue.
Navi: Oh my god Link. That is the most stupidest idea you have ever had.
Link: Yeah it is .wait. What?
Navi: Who heard of reflecting light at the face of a statue. It just has never been done before.
Link: Well ..Maybe the heat of the light would cause the face to corrode?
Navi: Fine. Try it.
Link: Right. (Pulls out Mirror Sheild and angles it so that the Light bounces off the Shield and hits that face. After some time pieces of the face fall off before revealing a new way.)
Navi: Wow. You were right.
Link: Yeah. I won this round Navi.
Navi: Very well. We will completely overlook the fact you had a walkthough concealed behind that comic.
Link: Wha .What walkthrough (Quickly throws it away.). Well we will now get over there and kill those witches and take on Ganondorf.
Navi: Right .So. How do we get across?
Link: Longshot. (Pulls out Longshot shoots it at the cage door and make it across. The cage door lifts and give Link passage to the Boss room.)
Navi: OK. From now on. No more walkthroughs.
Link: Dammit. (Unlocks the boss door and enters.) Holy Crap. (Draws sword and Shield and starts walking towards the Witches and an Iron Knuckle.)
Koume: (Turns around.) Looks like we have a guest Kotake.
Kotake: (Also turns around.) It seems so Koume.
Koume: (Jumps on broomstick and starts hovering.) How dare you invade our temple and steal our stuff.
Link: Hey! Nabooru made me do it. She is the thief. Call me a thief one more time I will take this sword and shove it in your ..
Kotake: (Hovering.) Shut up. How dare you threaten us. Even us old ladies. I think it is time we taught you a lesson.
Koume: (Turns to face the Iron knuckle.) Oh Loyal minion.
Kotake: (Faces Iron Knuckle.) Finish of this thief.
Link: Do you always have to finish off each others sentences?
Koume: Yes. We are twins. No. Good-Bye ..Thief (Disappears.)
Link: I AM NOT A THIEF.
Iron Knuckle: (Stands up and roars then looks at its hands.)
Link: Haha. You dont have a weapon.
Iron Knuckle: (Snaps its fingers and an axe appears out of mid-air.)
Link and Navi:.. Oh Crap.
Iron Knuckle: (Starts walking towards Link and Navi.)
Link and Navi: AAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH (Both jump behind separate pillars.)
Link: I think we will be safe. He wont know which one to choose so he will give up.
Iron Knuckle: (Destroys the Pillar Link is hiding behind.)
Link: Oh Crap. (Hides with Navi.)
Navi: Hey!. Find your own hiding spot. (Kicks Link out into the open.)
Link: Wait a minute, I am the Scared ..I mean sacred Hero of Time. I am fearless. I know no Pain. I know ..
Navi: Just shut up and kill it.
Link: Oh. Right. (Uses an almighty stab that killed the Iron Knuckle and caused all of its armour to fall off.)
Nabooru: (Collapses onto the ground after being trapped as an Iron Knuckle.)
Navi: Nabooru was the Iron Knuckle? Man this is a bigger twist than finding out Sheik is Zelda in disguise.
Link: Yeah .Wait. What?
Nabooru: If you two are done can I do my part.
Link and Navi: Sure.
Nabooru: (Dramatic.) Oh. Where am I? Why am I here?
Koume and Kotake: (Appear.)
Link: (Whispers to Navi.) The Bitches are back.
Navi: (Whispers back.) Are you just saying song names again?
Link: No. I really meant it. Beside I hate Elton John.
Kotake: Looks like she is free.
Koume: Looks like our brainwashing spell wore off. Dont matter we will send her to the great Ganondorf.
Kotake: Yeah. (Charges up a ball of energy.)
Koume: (Does the same.) We will be seeing you later Nabooru.
Link: How? In Hell? Because that is the only place you will see her.
Kotake: How dare you. (Fires the Ball of energy at Link.)
Koume: Yeah! (Does the same.)
Nabooru: NOOOOO!!!! (Jumps in front of Link and takes the blasts of energy and is vaporised.)
Link: NNOOOOOOOO!!!!! NABOORU.
Kotake: Oh Crap. (Disappears.)
Koume: W Wait for me. (Before disappearing.) Be seeing you soon Doll-Face. (Disappears.)
Link: What did she just call me?
Navi: Who cares. Hey look the door unlocked. Lets go finish them off.
Later in the Boss Chamber.
Navi: Why did we take so long? It would have only taken us a few seconds to run along that corridor but you had to be all stealthy about it and went and purchased that spy kit.
Link: (Drops from the ceiling on a piece of rope.) Fine. (Unties himself on falls on the ground but quickly gets up.) So .This boss stage is different.
Navi: It is an arena none the same. Just get up there and kill them will ya.
Link: Fine. (Climbs up on the Arena and steps into the middle.)
Suddenly there is Old Lady laughing and Koume and Kotake rise up.
Kotake: With my Fire I will burn him to his bones.
Koume: With my Ice I will freeze him to the soul.
Link: Oh dear.
Navi: Twinrova. The 400 Year Old Prostitute sisters.
Link: Really? Well What do we do now?
Navi: Well the ironic thing is the other sister is there weakness.
Link: I dont get it.
Navi: *sigh* (Speaks to the Ceiling.) Why did you choose him Deku Tree?
Link: Oh wait I see.
Navi: Thank god.
Link: They are allergic to ugliness.
Navi: .Funny Link. But no. One is Fire and the other is Ice. Get the Picture?
Link: Yes .No.
Navi: *sigh* Just deflect the Magic attack they send at you. To the other one.
Koume: (Fires an Ice Beam at Link and he deflects it with the Mirror Shield to Kotake.)
Kotake: Owww. You will pay for that you insignificant little pest.
Link: Hey! I am not little. You are just fat.
Koume: THATS IT!!!. We shall now reveal our true form.
Kotake and Koume: KOUME AND KOTAKES. DOUBLE DYNAMITE ATTACK.
Bog Poof and there is now One giant person.
Twinrova: (Gives a little giggle and a wink at Link.)
Link: Holy Crap. They used Fusion like off Dragonball Z. Quick. Navi we must fuse to combine our strengths to take down this monster.
Navi: Dont think so buddy.
Link: Wait a minute I just thought.
Navi: What now?
Link: If they are now double. Does that mean they are now double there age?
Twinrova: AAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH. LOGIC OUR ONE MAJOR WEAKNESS.
Link: Wow. That was unexpected.
Suddenly they split apart and are in front of Link.
Link: Wow. There fusion timed out.
Kotake: Grrrrrr. Well thats it time to get serious now.
Koume: Hey Kotake. Whats that above your head?
Kotake: (Looks at the Halo.) I dunno. But you have one above your head as well.
Link: Well. That means you are dead.
Koume: What? I am not even old. I am only 400 Years old.
Kotake: and I am only 380 Years old.
Link: ummmmmm. You are twins. You are both the same age.
Koume and Kotake: AAARRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (Start to rise up.) WE WILL COME BACK TO HAUNT YOU ..In Majoras Mask.
Link: Awwww crap.
Navi: Well. I never thought it would be possible but you beat someone with Logic.
Link: Yes ..Well. What more can I say?
Navi: You are an Idiot.
Link: I am an Idiot ..HEY!.
Navi: Haha. Gotcha.
Link: Grrrrr. I am out of here. (Runs over to the Blue Portal and goes in to.)
To Be Continued .
In the Chamber of Sages.
Link: Well Navi. Here we are in the Chamber of Sages hopefully for the last time.
Link: WAUGH. (Falls over.) What are you doing here? (Gets up.)
Nabooru: Turns out I am the Sage of Spirit so instead of me being sent to Ganondorf, I turned up here.
Link: Cool. So. Can you give us the Medallion and let me go on my way.
Nabooru: (To self.) Who would have thought he grew up to be a handsome swordsman .
Link: I can hear you.
Link: Sorry but I am saving my love for someone important. Somebody beautiful. Somebody with a great personality. A Princess of a
Nabooru: Are you talking about Zelda?
Link: No. I am not talking about Zelda. I am talking about. Ruto.
Link: Are you kidding? Im trying for Zelda.
Navi: Sometimes I really worry about you.
Nabooru: Anyway here is that Medallion. (Raises arms and Medallion comes falling down for Link.)
Link: (Lifts arms to receive it.)
Nabooru: Well .Goodbye Hero.
Suddenly there is a white flash and Rauru appears inside Links mind.
Rauru: Well Done Hero of Time. Now it is time for the Final showdown with the King of Evil. But before you do. Go to the
for there is someone there waiting for you. Templeof Time
Link: Is it Ganondorf?
Rauru: No it is not Ganondorf. Now go to the
. Templeof Time
Back in the Desert Colossus.
Link: Sweet. Now time for us to go to the Temple of Time. (Pulls out Ocarina and warps.)
Later in the Temple of Time.
Link: (Runs in.) *puff puff pant pant* Why did I accidentally warp to
again? Lake Hylia
Navi: Well maybe if you check the Quest Subscreen then ..
Link: Navi! How many times do I have to tell you? We arent in a game.
Mysterious Voice behind Link: I have been waiting for you.
Link: What the !? (Turns around.) Oh. Hey Sheik how is it going?
Sheik: Not bad at all. Yourself?
Link: (Breathes in to answer.)
Sheik: Wait! What am I doing? I am supposed to be telling you something.
Link: Well .. Shoot.
Sheik: Oh. Right (Suddenly regains his mysterious voice.) As you know the Goddesses created the Triforce. BUT. They had it in Three Parts. Power, Wisdom and Courage. If someone with an Evil heart were to touch the Triforce then the Sacred Realm would become a place of evil. If someone with a Good and Pure Heart touched the Triforce then the Sacred Realm would be come a paradise.
Link: Wait. You mean like the
Sheik: What?..... Oh you idiot. Its not like that ..(Very long pause.) Well it might be. I wouldnt know.
Link: OK. Get back to the story.
Sheik: Oh. Right. Now where was I?
Sheik: Oh .. (Pause.) If ones heart was not in balance then the Triforce would split into three pieces. Power. Wisdom. Courage. Then the Triforce part that the person believes in the most would remain for them. Then the Other two would find themselves in those chosen by destiny. If one wanted the Full Triforce then they would need to seek those chosen by destiny.
Link: Cool. Is that it?
Sheik: Yes. Well not really. Ill continue The Legend came true. When Ganondorf touched the Triforce it split into Three Parts. Power. Wisdom and Courage. Power remained in Ganondorfs hand and Wisdom and Courage rested with those chosen by destiny.
Link: Sweet .(Extremely long pause.) Who are they?
Sheik: The One who holds the Triforce of Courage is .YOU. Link.
Link: (Long Pause.) Oh. Wait. SWEET. Who holds the other?
Sheik: The One who holds the Triforce of Wisdom. Is the Seventh Sage
Link: Wait! Do I have to find one more sage? Because if I do then I quit.
Sheik: Mind if I continue?
Link: I suppose.
Sheik: Thank you! AS I was saying. The Holder of the Triforce of Wisdom is the Seventh Sage who is said to be the Ruler of them all.
Link: Wait. I thought Rauru was the Leader of Sages.
Sheik: Rauru! Why would he be Leader? We have been paying Families of the children that he has been playing with
Link: What? He is a Priest .Oh wait I see now. Anyway. Continue.
Sheik: Thank you. I am about to reveal to you my biggest secret.(Holds up his hand and the Triforce Symbol appears with the Bottom Left piece shinning brighter than the others. Then there is an extremely bright flash and Link and Navi are blinded.)
Link: AUUGGGGHHHHH. SHEIK I THOUGHT WE SAID NO MORE FLASHY STUFF.
Link then opens his eyes and finds none other than.
It is I. Zelda. Princess of Hyrule
Link: Oh, Hey Zelda. Sheik said he was going to tell me his biggest Secret.
Zelda and Navi: ..!?
Link: He mustve gone to the Bathroom or something.
Zelda: What? I was Sheik the whole time you dimwit.
Link: Zelda. You are a girl. Sheik was a Guy. Girls arent guys. Whos the dimwit now?
Zelda: I still wonder if the Goddesses made the right choice of Hero.
Link: Well at least I did the Job.
Zelda: Fair enough. It is good to see you as Zelda again.
Link: It is good to see you as Zelda again ..Wait. What?
Zelda: (Ignore Link and walks closer.) I remember Seven Years ago when we were fleeing the castle we almost ran you over with our horse.
Link: Hey! I managed to escape with my life only just. Then you threw that damn rock at my head.
Zelda: That was the Ocarina of Time.
Link: Oh yeah.
Zelda: Anyway. Now that you have summoned the Six sages we can finally settle things with Ganondorf now. But before we depart I must give you an extremely important item that will enable you to defeat Ganondorf.
Link: Is it ???????
Zelda: What? No you idiot it is this Light Arrow. (Lifts up arms and a Yellow light glows around her. There is bright flash and the Light Arrow appears above Zelda and floats to Link.)
Link: Wow. (Lifts arms to receive it.)
Zelda: So What you been up to?
Suddenly the ground starts to shake.
Zelda: Oh no. Not him.
Link: AAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. EARTHQUAKE. (Quickly throws Zelda in his spot just as a
surrounds her, and jumps in the doorway.) Crystal
Link: (Turns around.) Oh crap. (Runs up to the
and places his hands on it.) Crystal
Ganondorf: So . Zelda you were Sheik all along. Who would have guessed?
Link: (Yells upwards.) How many times do I have to say it? Zelda is a girl. Sheik is a guy. DO THE MATH!
Ganondorf: Shut up nube. Now Zelda I will bring you to my castle. Link if you are feeling bold come and Rescue her.
Zelda: (Twitches, Screams and looks up. Then with the
she starts to rise.) Crystal
Link: (Watches her go up.)
Ganondorf: It was not you I mis-interpreted. It was the Power of the Triforce of Courage. But with your two parts then I will be the Ruler of the World.
Link: Ive seen that movie before.
Ganondorf: Oh. How did it end?
Link: The person who tried to take over the world was killed by an awesome hero.
Ganondorf: Oh Well it wont happen. I have an impenetrable fort of pure evilness. No one can get in ..or out. MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. (Ganondorfs voice stop and the
with Zelda in it disappears.) Crystal
Link: .He. He. I saw up Zeldas skirt.
Navi: Link. I really wonder if you dont have any problems.
Link: I dont have any problems. (Starts to twitch uncontrollably then stops.) Right. Lets go save Zelda. (Runs off.)
Later at Ganons Castle.
Link: (Staring at the Entrance.) Well I dont see anyway across that.
Navi: Lets go hire those carpenters and they can build us a bridge across.
Link: Wow. Thanks guys. Great bridge. Your money is at the
. Templeof Time
Carpenters: Thanks. (Walk off.)
Link: Right well Ill just
Rauru: Wait! Link.
Link: Whoah! (Looks around.) Where are you?
Rauru: I am speaking through your mind. And looking at your previous thoughts. I have just been enjoying some thoughts of when your discovered you had surpassed puberty.
Flashback. In the Lost Woods.
Link: (Runs up to Navi with his underwear around his ankles.) Oh my God Navi. I just went to the Bathroom and you are NOT going to believe it.
Navi: I dont want to know Link.
Link: Hey! Get out of my head.
Rauru: *sigh* fine.
Link: So. What are you in my head for?
Rauru: Oh. I was going to say use our bridge.
Suddenly I white bridge stretches across the Gap between Link and the entrance. A Bridge of Magic.
Link: Wow. That is cool ..and flashy.
Rauru: I am glad you like it. Oh by the way. TO save Zelda you must destroy the Six Barriers of evil to enter Ganons tower. Then you have to d a bit of climbing.
Rauru: Shut up. Anyway. You must save Zelda. All of Hyrule now rests on your shoulders.
Link: It has always been.
Rauru: Well ..No. You could have been replaced but considering Zelda gave you the Light Arrows we dont have a choice now.
Link: Oh ..Well. The I am off.
Rauru: Good luck. And may the Power of the Goddesses protect you ..and my love.
Link: (Cuts off Psychic Link between him and Rauru.) Well I dont think we need to hear anymore. Now. (Kicks the carpenters bridge which collapses immediately.) AUGH.( Jumps back) That was close. Now. (Puts one foot on the Magic bridge and leans on it to see if it will hold him.) Yeah sweet it does. (Draws out sword and points it towards
.) Are you ready Navi? Ganons Castle
Link: Then. LETS GO .(Pause.)
Navi: (Long Pause.) Well Are we going yet?
Link: Help my legs have stopped moving.
Later in Ganons Castle.
Link: Well. We have the Spirit,
Forestand Water one down. Cant get into the Light one because it is block by a big thing. So. Shadow or Fire. You choose Navi.
Navi: Well. How about Shadow. Because it is closer.
Link: I like the way you think Navi. Lets go. (Runs to the Entrance to the Shadow Barrier.) Well. Here goes. (Goes through the door to the Shadow Barrier.)
Navi: Well. My guess is we have to smash that rusted switch to make the door open.
Link: Yeah. But how do we get to those two places. There is a huge gap and I dont think we can jump that far.
Navi: Check the Lens of Truth and see if there is a way across.
Link: Right. (Whips out the Lens of Truth and looks through it.) Well . Nothing except a white path over by those two places.
Navi: Wait on. Look there is a un-lit torch over there. Maybe we could shoot a Fire Arrow at it it may reveal a path for us.
Link: Ill try. (Pulls out a Fire Arrow and shoots it at the un-lit torch and hits it.)
Suddenly white block leading to the other place appear and a timer starts ticking.
Link: Quick. (Jumps from one block to the other and manages to make it just in time.) AAAHHHHHHH LIKE-LIKE (Quickly jumps to the other place.) Wow. That was an adrenaline rush.
Navi: Hey look a switch down there. Maybe if you jump on it something good will happen.
Link: Ummmmm. That always happens.
Navi: Whatever. Just go down there and hit that switch.
Link: Fine. (Jumps down to the switch and activates it. Suddenly a giant chest drops down.) Sweet Giant chest. (Climbs up to the chest.) Now let us see what we have in-store. (Opens the Chest and pulls out .)
Navi: Golden Gauntlets. Like the Silver Gauntlets except now you can move bigger and heavier stuff.
Link: Are there Platinum ones?
Navi: Nope. Sorry.
Link: Dammit. Then I could have lifted even more and heavier then the Golden Gauntlets.
Navi: Look just shut up and hit that switch and then we can do the other Two Barriers.
Link: Fine . But how do I get to it first?
Navi: Lens of Truth.
Link: Right. I am not an idiot.
Link: Whats so funny?
Navi: Oh *snort* just remembered a funny joke.
Later. After Destroying the Shadow and Fire Barrier. Link is now standing in front of the Light Barriers weak point.
Link: See Navi. I told you I could lift the big thing out front of this Barrier.
Navi: I never said you couldnt.
Link: Yes you did. When we first got here.
Navi: That was before you got the Golden Gauntlets ..Idiot.
Link: Oh yeah. I take it back Navi. Now lets destroy this Barrier. (Pulls out a Light Arrow and shoots it at the Weak Point.)
It explodes then Rauru appears.
Rauru: The Light Barrier is Dispelled. Save the Princess.
Link: I know what I am supposed to be doing.
Rauru: Just thought I would remind you in case you forgot.
Link: Well no need to worry. Hyrule I am about to save you.
Navi: (Whispers to Rauru.) We are all going to die arent we?
Back out in the Main Area the Evil stuff that surrounded the Entrance to the Tower is now gone. Link is standing on the Bridge in a fight position looking at the doorway.
Navi: What are you doing?
Link: Oh. He is inside isnt he?
Navi: Of course. He is at the Highest room in the Tallest tower.
Link: Dont try steal lines from Shrek. Besides there is only one tower.
Navi: Well hurry up and get in there and kill him and Save Hyrule.
Link: Right. (Runs into the Tower.)
So Link has to beat Three Tasks to get to Ganondorf. But on the Third one.
Link: I just hope he is behind this door.
Navi: Well we got the boss key after beating those two things before us so maybe this is an entrance chamber or something like that.
Link: Yeah. (Runs through the door and it slams shut behind him.) Oh crap. (Turns and tries to open them.) Well we aint getting passed that in a hurry. (Turns back around.) Maybe I will just fa ..(Long Pause.)
Navi: Whats up Link? (Turns and Looks at what Link is looking at and freezes.)
Link: CMON THAT IS REALLY UN-FAIR. ONE I COULD HANDLE BUT TWO? WHY? DO YOU HATE ME?
Ganondorf: (Voice echoing.) Yes.
Link: Oh that is just great. We cant go back. And we cannot advance with those Two Iron Knuckles in the way. Well. It is lucky for me I found Nayrus Love.
In the Desert Colossus.
Link: Well. We managed to cross the Desert Navi. Arent you proud of me?
Navi: I suppose. But if we didnt ask that ghost for directions we would have been lost forever.
Link: Well it was just luck. Hey look at that over there. (Points to two palm trees by a wall with a crack down the middle.)
Navi: Well .. Go see what it is.
Link: (Runs over and places a bomb then jumps into the sand waiting for the bomb to explode . And it does and reveals a big hole.) Sweet. (Jumps up.) Lets go. (Runs in.)
Link: Awwwww man we came across
Karl H: (Jumps in the scene) If any of you dont know what Manchester Street is it is a street *obviously* in a major city here in New Zealand and it is where all the .. well Great Fairies gather at night if you catch my drift *wink wink, nudge nudge*, Now back to our story. (Jumps away.)
Navi: Well at least it . Wait what is
Link: Read what our writer said.
Navi: ..(Pause for Navi reading it. Stupid Fairy.) Oh I see. How does he know anyway?
Karl H: Oh. *ahem* Well you know Rumours.
Karl H: No seriously. If you asked anyone here what
Manchester Streetwas then they would give you the answer I just gave you. Minus the Great Fairies.
Link: See Navi. Why should he have to .
Navi: HEY. THIS IS A DAMN KIDS STORY LINK. STOP PUTTING BAD THINGS IN THERE HEAD.
Link: Cripes Navi. I was only yanking your wings.
Navi: Just see that Fairy then we can leave.
Link: Fine. (Runs up to the Triforce Symbol and Plays Zeldas Lullaby.)
Great Fairy: (Rises up from the Pool screaming with joy.) Welcome Hero. For finding my spring I shall reward you.
Link: Sweet. Can I have cash?
Great Fairy: (Answers Quickly.) NO. I earn my money through hard and pleasurable work.
Link: (Whispers to Navi.) Who? You or the Client?
Navi: (Nods in agreement.)
Great Fairy: So now Hero. Take Nayrus Love. It provides a shield that makes you invulnerable for a limited time.
Link: Sweet. Wait! Thats really cheap. A Limited Time! If it really IS Nayrus Love shouldnt it like protect us and make us Immortal forever because she is like the Goddess of Courage or Wisdom, maybe power. Augh! I really cant remember which.
Great Fairy: Look it is just a name to make it sound better. Just take it and get out of here. (Gives Link Nayrus Love.)
Link: (Lifts arms to receive it.) Sweet.
Navi: Can we go now? We have the
to conquer. Spirit Temple
Link: Yeah. But I need to keep up my Great Fairy killing streak so ..any ideas?
Navi: Dunno Maybe make her play those Philips CD-i games?
Link: No! I would never put anyone through that torture .maybe Ganondorf.
Navi: .Could have a hold your breath contest and make her die through lack of oxygen.
Link: That is just wrong .. But I love it. You vs Great Fairy. Who will win? You be the Judge.
NavI; Who are you talking to?
Link: You know what Navi. I really dont know.
Back to Ganons Tower. Link is now standing in the room after unlocking the Boss door.
Link: Well .Just some more time and we will have saved Hyrule.
Navi: Yeah. Imagine that. We have saved Hyrule. I think I will hold a party in my honour. Everyone is invited of course.
Navi: Yeah, Yeah lets just get back to the Quest.
Link: So ..This is a nice boss battle room. But where is Ganondorf? (Walks around in circles looking for Ganondorf.) I just cant find him.
Navi: What if we go through this door and he may be through it.
Link: Why would he put a door in the Boss Chamber? It would give his enemies a chance to escape.
Navi: Link. I think this is the Anti-Chamber. You know one of those chambers before the proper thing.
Link: Oh. I see. (Give Navi a wink.)
Navi: Why did you give me a wink?
Link: You know why. (Gives Navi a wink and runs through the door.)
Navi: It is at times like this I wish I had a cyanide pill. (Follows Link through the door.)
Through the other door.
Link: CMON GANONDORF. SHOW YOUR UGLY FACE.
Navi: Link. We have to climb these stairs and he might be up there.
Link: Stairs! Awwww man. Well if it is for Hyrule and Zeldas love it is worth it.
Navi: Link. You couldnt get Zeldas love if you were even a real hero.
Link: Thanks Navi .. (Extremely extreme long pause.)
Navi: ..Wait for it.
Navi: Well now let us go. (Flies ahead.)
Link: *sigh* Bloody stairs. (Starts to climb up them.)
An Hour Later.
Link: (Literally dragging himself up the stairs.) *puff puff pant wheeze* If I can help it I will never climb a single step ever again.
Navi: Pull yourself together. Ganondorf is just right through this door.
Link: (Gets up and brushes dust off him.) How can you be so sure?
Navi: Cant you hear that Organ? It is much louder up here.
Link: Oh. I just thought it was background music.
Navi: ..I swear you will make any Fairy put a bullet through there head.
Link: Yeah ..Wait. What?
Navi: Never mind. (Gets up in Links face.) Now listen very carefully. This will be your toughest fight in your entire life. Are you sure you are ready for this?
Link: Navi. I am willing to lay my life down to protect the Princess, Rid this land of all evil. For I am the Sacred Hero of Time who was chosen by the sages to help Hyrule to an age of wealth and prosperity. My only wish is to see Hyrule live .Maybe go on a date with Zelda.
Navi: That was a nice speech ..Up until the end.
Link: Thanks. I thought of it myself.
Navi: Link! Are you ready?
Link: (Draws out his Sword and Shield.) Yes Navi. Are you?
Navi: Of course. I will help you like I normally do.
Link: What? Shout at me what to do like a pokemon?
Navi: Yes NO!
Link: Oh well. (Walks through the door.)
Link: (Gasps and looks around at his surroundings. Zelda is sealed inside her
floating about 15 feet above the ground. Ganondorfs playing his Organ. Suddenly he feels a surge of power and looks down at his Right Hand and the Triforce Symbol is there except with the Bottom Right piece shinning brighter.) Crystal
Zelda: (Gasps as her Triforce piece appears on her hand.)
Ganondorf: (Stops playing his Organ.) Finally. All the Triforce parts are coming back into one. They are all here in this same room.
Link: Yeah thanks for pointing out the obviousness.
Ganondorf: (Turns around to face Link.) Shut up you little fool.
Link: Hey. You shut up.
Ganondorf: No. You Shut Up.
Link: No. You Shut Up.
Ganondorf: No. You Shut Up.
Link: No. You Shut Up.
Ganondorf: No. You Shut Up.
Link: No. You Shut Up.
Ganondorf: No. You Shut Up.
Link: No. You Shut Up.
Ganondorf: No. You Shut Up.
Link: No. You Shut Up.
Ganondorf: No. You Shut Up.
Link: No. You Shut Up.
Ganondorf: No. You Shut Up.
Link: No. You Shut Up.
Ganondorf: No. You Shut Up.
Link: No. You Shut Up.
Navi: (Flies in between them.) WILL YOU BOTH JUST SHUT UP AND GET ON WITH KILLING EACH OTHER! STOP ACTING LIKE CHILDREN.
Link and Ganondorf: (Bow there head in shame.) Sorry maam.
Navi: Good! Now. (Turns to Ganondorf.) Do what you were about to do.
Ganondorf: Oh right. (Regains character.) Those Toy are too much for you. (Holds up his hand and his Triforce part appears.) It is time you returned them to me. (Starts yelling and a big powerful portal of Dark Magic tries to suck in Links items but the Power of his Triforce hold him in place.)
Navi: Link. Ganondorfs dark magic is preventing me from getting close. I cant help you in this fight Im sorry.
Link: What are you talking about? You never help me in my fights.
Navi: Yeah I do. I lock onto things. And if you press c-up then I can give you info on the enemy.
Link: What? Why are you treating us as though we are in a game.
Zelda: And what is c-up?
Navi: ..I give up.
Ganondorf: (Starts flying.)
Link: Holy crap. He can fly.
Navi: He can Fly?
Zelda: He Can Fly?
Ganondorf: I can fly?.......Wait a minute I already knew that.
Link: Well this makes things much worse. But no matter. When I play Super Smash Bros Melee I always use myself then I put myself in an epic battle with Ganondorf
Ganondorf: GANON PUNCH (Punchs the ground and some of the floor falls down.)
Navi: Oh dear god. NO!
Link: Well Navi. No turning back. This is our final battle.
Navi: I realise that.
Ganondorf: (Fires a ball of energy at Link.)
Link: AUGH! (Ducks just in time.) THATS NO FAIR.
Navi: Wait! Link remember when you fought Phantom Ganondorf?
Link: Yeah. We played a Tennis match.
Navi: What difference would there be between Phantom Ganondorf and the REAL Ganondorf might not be that different.
Link: So. You are saying that I could deflect that balls of energy back with my sword?
Link: Right. OK GANONDORF LAY ANOTHER ONE ON ME.
Ganondorf: You got it. (Charges up another ball of energy and fires it at Link.)
Link: (Swipes his sword and deflects the Ball of energy back at him.)
Ganondorf: What the (Gets hit by his own ball of energy and starts breathing quickly trying to regain energy.)
Link: Quick what do I do now?
Navi: I dont know. Wait the Light Arrows.
Link: What about them?
Navi: FIRE ONE AT HIM.
Link: Oh. Right. (Pulls out Bow and Light Arrows and fires one at Ganondorf.)
Ganondorf: (Gets struck down by the power of pure light.)
Navi: Quick now is your chance. Use you sword attack.
Link: Dont treat me like a Pokemon. (Jumps across and starts slashing and stabbing continuously.)
Ganondorf: (Starts flying once more.) Augh. That hurt. Now I must strengthen my defences and show him mercy No wait.
Link: Haha you messed up.
Ganondorf: Shut up. (Punches the ground and sends Link flying.)
Link: WWAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH (Falls down the hole.) *thud* Owwww my head.
Navi: (Flies down to Link.) Im surprised you hurt your head. Your skull is soo thick that it shouldnt have affected you.
Link: Shut up. (Gets up and brushes himself off.) How to I get back up there? Both of those doors are locked.
Navi: Well this seems like a rough surface so maybe you could climb back upwards.
Link: Right (Climbs back up to Ganondorf.)
Ganondorf: (Quickly spots Link and fires a ball of energy at Link.)
Link: AAUUUGGGGHHHH. (Quickly puts the sword in front of him swiftly and the Ball of Energy bounces off and hits Ganondorf.)
Link: Haha. Got you now. (Fires a Light Arrow at him.)
Ganondorf: (Collapses to the ground.)
Link: Now time to finish it. (Starts stabbing, slashing, punching, kicking and biting every part of Ganondorf he could reach.)
Ganondorf: (Throws Links sword off him and clutches his throat breathing heavily.) I cant believe it. I lost.
Link: Well what do you expect? You were fighting against the Greatest Hero off the Greatest Game ever made.
Ganondorf: I was fighting you. Not Mario. And this is not the worlds best game it is Super Mario Galax ..(Throws up.) Hmmmm. Thats odd. I couldnt finish that sentence without throwing up.
Link: What? Super Mario Galaxy surpassed our game as the best Ohhhhh The next time I see Talon he is going to get it.
Ganondorf: Link: Before I die dramatically there is something important I must tell you.
Ganondorf: Link. I am your Father!
Navi: Bum. Bum. BUUUUMMMMMMMMM.
Ganondorf: No not really. I just thought it would be nice to say the worlds most shocking line off the movie Star Wars.
Link: Right You can die now.
Ganondorf: Oh. Right. (Regains Character.) LINK!!!! (Stands up and screams as loud as he can part of his tower is destroyed.)
Link: Whoah. That really was dramatic.
Ganondorf: (Falls to his knees then face.) Owww my face.
Navi: Oh my god. He is still alive.
Link: No. Thats just the air escaping from his dead corpse.
Navi: No . Im pretty sure he is still alive.
Link: (Looks down at him.) Right. Hey I wonder what happened to Zelda?
Zelda: (Starts falling from the sky in her
Link: Whoah! (Watches.)
Zelda: (Lands in front of Link.) Ganondorf. Pitiful man. He tries to rule my kingdom when I am doing a fine job of it myself.
Link: Well. I think Hyrule wouldnt like there princess running away leaving them in 7 years of famine.
Zelda: Shut up. If I am not a good ruler then may this castle come crashing down.
3 seconds later.
Link, Navi and Zelda: (Standing in front of the ruins of
after it came crashing down.) Ganons Castle
Link: Well that was unexpected. But dont worry I think you are a good ruler. (Turns to Zelda with a smile on his face.)
Zelda: (Turns and stares into Links eyes.)
Link and Zelda: (Staring at each other.) ..
Navi: (Buts in.) Link. I am sorry I couldnt help out before in that last battle.
Link: Damn straight. You better be ashamed of yourself.
Navi: (Turns away.) Hmph.
Suddenly there is a big bang and Link quickly shoves his hand in front of Zelda and pushes her back and he takes one step forward.
Navi: I have a slight feeling that this battle is not over.
OK. From now on folks I am being serious. No more humour. If there is humour I deemed it necessary to put there.
Link: Cmon Navi lets check it out. (Starts walking towards the big pile of rubble.)
Zelda: Be careful Link.
Link: (Whispers to Navi.) Hehe she said be careful. As if Ganondorf is just going to jump right out of that big pile of rubble and transform into some big ugly thing.
Suddenly a ring of Fire surrounds Link and the Pile of rubble in. Also putting Zelda on the outside.
Link: (Turns to look at Zelda.) Holly Crap.
Two more big bangs.
Link: (Turns and faces the Rubble.)
Ganondorf: (Suddenly jumps up throwing giant pieces of Rubble over the place.) Im back.
Link and Navi: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Link: (Draws out Sword and Shield.)
Ganondorf: Time to show you my full power. (Shows his triforce part and he instantly starts to transform.)
Link: Maybe I should just keep my big mouth shut. Or say the opposite thing.
Ganon: (Falls and lands on his feet as a giant monster. Suddenly Two giant swords appear in his hands. Thunder starts falling in the background.)
Link: Oh dear. I am in SERIOUS trouble.
Ganon: (Starts swinging wildly.)
Navi: Dont worry Link. As long as you have to Master Sword you cant lose.
Ganon: (Swings at Link.)
Link: AAUUUGGGGHHHH. (Puts his Master Sword to block. But instead it knocks it away and jams itself in the ground beside Zelda.)
Navi: I spoke too soon.
Link: QUICK. ZELDA THROW ME THE SWORD.
Zelda: No way!
Link: Augh. Why not?
Zelda: I will risk getting dirt on my new dress.
Link: WHAT THE HELL ZELDA.
Ganon: (Starts advancing on Link.)
Link: Quick Navi find his weak point.
Navi: I cant. My knowledge doesnt handle mutated freaks.
Link: Crap. Well I will try everything.
After a half hour of Link trying all his items he gets to Deku Nuts.
Link: TAKE THIS. (Throws a Deku nut on the ground.)
Ganon: (Is temporarily blinded.)
Link: Hey look. I never realised he has a tail.
Navi: So he does. Wait THAT IS. LINK his weak point is his tail.
Link: How do you know that?
Navi: Because it is the most colourful thing on him.
Link: Good point. ( Runs around behind Ganon.) TAKE THIS. (Throws down another Deku Nut.)
Ganon: AAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH DEKU NUT. GANON ALLERGIC TO DEKU NUT.
Link: Or maybe he is allergic to Deku nuts.
Navi: He just said that.
Link: I know. I just said it because it made me seem smart.
Navi: *sigh* What can I say to make you keep fighting Ganon?
Link: That I am the best and always will be.
Navi: Fine. You are the best and always will be.
Link: That makes me super confident now. (Pulls out Biggoron Sword.) Well finally time to put this sword to the test. Wait do you think a Light Arrow would hurt him?
Navi: Dunno. Find out.
Link: (Pulls out Light Arrow and shoots it at Ganons face.)
Ganon: AARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH. (Blinded by the Pure Light of the Light Arrow.)
Link: (Runs around behind Ganon and does a Jump attack at Ganons tail.)
Ganon: AARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH. (Falls over and the Ring of Fire dies down.)
Zelda: Quick. Link the Master Sword is here.
Link: Zelda. Cant you just throw it to me?
Zelda: Fine. But if I get dirty because of it you will pay. (Draws up the Master Sword and throws it hard at Link.)
Link: AUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH. (Ducks and Ganon (who got up and started advancing on Link once more.) who just happened to be right behind him.)
Ganon: (Strikes Ganon in the tail and he collapses once more.)
Link: Haha. (Picks up the Master Sword.) I got you back. (Suddenly Ganon is hit by a blast of energy.) What the ?? (Looks around for the source.)
Zelda: (Still producing magical blast of Pure Engergy.) Link. I am using my power to hold back the King of Evil
Link: Why didnt you do that at the start?
Zelda: Shut up. Now use the Master Sword and deliver the final blow. (Stops blasting energy at Ganon and holds her chest and bends over.)
Link: Right. (Suddenly the Master Sword starts glowing blue.) Whoah. Is this the Master Swords full power?
Zelda: Yes. Hurry.
Link: Right. Ganondorf. You have terrorised this land. It is time for you to say goodbye. AAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH. (Starts slashing hardout at Ganon until he stabs him in the face.)
There is a long pause while we see Link still got the sword stuck in Ganons face.
Ganon: Hmmmmmm. This stings quite a bit.
Karl H: Stick to the script or else we will bring in your stunt double ..the Ganon from the first Zelda game.
Ganon: Oh. Right. OOWWWWWWW. (Gets up and starts screaming.)
Zelda: QUICK SIX SAGES OPEN UP THE VOID TO THE EVIL REALM AND BANISH GANON TO ITS DEPTHS. (She produces a ball of light above her head and it stops and she collapses to the ground.)
In the Chamber of Sages.
Rauru: (To other sages.) Quickly. We send him somewhere evil that he will not like. (Raises his arms up.)
Ruto: (Appears from nowhere and pulls a cool pose.)
Darunia: (Appears from nowhere and pulls a cool pose.)
Impa: (Appears from nowhere and pulls a cool pose.)
Nabooru: (Appears from nowhere and pulls a cool pose.)
Saria: (Appears from nowhere and pulls a cool pose.)
Suddenly they all turn into cool lights fly around before meeting in the middle of the Chamber of Sages opening up a portal to somewhere evil that Ganondorf wont like.
Somewhere is the world.
Ganondorf: (Floating into nothingness.) Augh. My head. What was I doing last night? Wait where am I?
Rauru: You have been sent to the place you really hate the most.
Ganondorf: Where? You sent me to Hyrule?
Rauru: No. Even worse Playboy Mansion.
Meanwhile in the Sacred Realm. (Actually I have no idea where these two go when you beat Ganon. My guess is the Sacred Realm after Ganondorf has been locked away and peace has returned.) after Ganondorf has been locked away and peace has returned.
Zelda: Thank you Link. Thanks to you Hyrule will return to normal.
Link: Sweet .So what do I win?
Zelda: Well we are holding a party in your honour at Lon-Lon ranch.
Link: Sweet Can I go?
Zelda: No. I must send you back in time. Back when you were a kid. I dragged you into this big dream of mine and it is all my fault that you missed out on things like puberty.
Link: No complaints there.
Zelda: Link. (Holds out her hand.) Please give the Ocarina to me.
Zelda: Because it is not yours and I want it back.
Link: Awwwwwww. (Places the Ocarina in her hand.)
Zelda: (Uses her other hand and starts patting Links hand.) After you go back in time. It will be time to say goodbye.
Zelda: Because I couldnt send all my memories back to my younger self 7 years ago. Well I could But I dont want to.
Link: Oh. (Takes his hand away.)
Zelda: (Holds the Ocarina to her Chest.) Now Go. Go back to your own time. Live the way you were meant to be. The Way you were supposed to be.
Link: Crap. Back to living off plants.
Zelda: (Starts playing a mysterious song.)
Link: Wait that sounds like Zeldas Lullaby just a bit deeper and longer. (A warp portal surrounds him and he starts going up.) Whoah.
Zelda: (Stops playing and watches Link.) Thank you Link .Goodbye.
Big flash then End Credits come up.
At Lon-Lon Ranch with the Link-less Party.
Talon: (Leaning against Ingo all drunk like.) You know *hic* Ingo ..I really love *hic* you.
Ingo: (Computerised Voice.) Hic. I love you too Talon. Hic.
Malon: (Singing on Sing-star and absolutely dominating the Chicken Lady.)
Chicken Lady: (Trying her best to win. She even tried to kick Malon in the shins and smashing a milk bottle over her head but it didnt help.)
Master Carpenter: (Leading his Company in the Macarena.)
Windmill man: (Yelling at the Kokiri who have seized his instrument and he is turning about upside down.) HEY LET ME GO ..Oh man I think I am going to be sick.
Mido: (Sitting down with King Zora (Who is somehow here after Link blew him apart.) watching the others party.) Why am I always left out? I am a hard out partyer.
King Zora: You know your freckles are kinda cute.
Mido: Really? (Looks up at King Zora but spots magical spheres flying across Lon-Lon ranch.) Hey. What are those?
Later above Death Mountain Summit.
Nabooru: (Spiritual Voice because still in Magical Sphere thing.) Hey Impa. I dont want to miss the party. Do you know where you are going?
Impa: (Spiritual Voice because still in Magical Sphere thing.) Of course. Here we are. Now we can party.
Sages: (All transform into themselves.)
Saria: Hey! This isnt the party.
Darunia: Yeah! You lead us in the wrong direction.
Impa: .I may have .miscalculated.
Ruto: Oh well. As long as we are all together.
Saria, Daurnia, Impa and Nabooru: SHUT UP RUTO.
Ruto: Hmph. Hey where is Rauru?
Meanwhile at your average Dairy down the street.
Dairy Owner: What a bad day so far.
Rauru: (Walks through the door.) Hello.
Dairy Owner: Ahhh Rauru: Good to see you.
Rauru: Same here. Just the usual.
Dairy Owner: Ahh Another night in I see. Lets see .Playgirl Magazine and two bags of Pork Rinds. That will be 20 Rupees thanks.
Rauru: (Hands over the Money.) Thanks. See you next week.
7 Years Ago.
Link: (In the
standing in front of the Master Sword as a kid.) Well Navi after our adventure I think we have made an unbreakable bond of friendship that can never be broken. Templeof Time
Navi: Yeah right. (Starts flying away.)
Link: Hey where are you going?
Navi: Away. Please dont try to find me in the Sequel.
Link: Aww man.
Link: Well ..What to do? I am free so I can do whatever I want. I know. I will go see Zelda and tell her my story. (Turns around and walks off leaving the Master Sword to fall into its deep slumber once again.)
Later in the Hyrulse Castle Courtyard.
Link: (Slowly approaches Zelda spying through a window.)
Zelda: (Turns around.) Who are you?
Link: I am Link. The Hero of Time. And do I have a story for you.
Zelda: The Hero of Time. That is a really good joke.
Link: Im serious. I just saved Hyrule from Ganondorf.
Zelda: Who is Ganondorf?
Link: Oh you have GOT to be kidding me.
Zelda: Is that a sword and a Shield?
Link: What? Oh yeah.
Zelda: *gasp* You have come to kill me. GUARDS!!!!!
Link: Oh crap.
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