Legend of Zelda: Old Age Pensioner

By Sizzle Oakes

Link, Zelda, Ganondorf, Malon, Darunia, and Hyrule belong to their rightful owners, Nintendo. Don’t sue me, please. Oh, yeah, sorry if this story is abysmally poor; it’s my first go.

A 75 year-old Link, a 77 year-old Zelda, and a 83 year-old Ganondorf were sitting at a table in the Hyrule Bingo Club.

"And tonight ladies and gentleman, we have two very special people in the room! Queen Zelda and King Link!" yelled the youthful man on the stage.

"What? What did he say Zelda?" Link asked.

"He said that we’re here tonight…I think." Zelda replied.

"WHAT ABOUT ME?" Ganondorf called, "I’ve got a piece of Triforce too y’know!"

"Oh, yes of course! And the lovely Ganondorf." said the man up at the front, which resulted in ‘boo’s and hissing in the audience.

"Pah!" responded Ganondorf, showering spit all over the crowd as he said it, in his gruff voice.

"OKAY, ladies and gentlemen! We’re ready to begin!"

"Whu-whu-what?" Link babbled, leaning over the table to hear better.

"NEVER MIND! Right, let’s kick it off! 22! That’s 22, Link! Link?" shouted the man as he drew the first number.

"Link, dear, WAKE UP!" Zelda ordered.

"AGHHH! Oh, hello, Zelda. We’ve started have we? Gosh, that lad up there is too darn slow!" Link grumbled.

"Shhhh!" Ganondorf said, "I’ve got that one!"


"What did he say, Zelda, dear?"

"The young man said 36. Now, stop using me as a hearing aid!" Zelda replied grumpily. The man on the stage just scowled.

"Aaaand it’s…60!"

"SPEAK UP, LAD!" Link shouted, pointing a finger at the ball machine (his eyesight wasn’t too good, either). Meanwhile, Ganondorf was in jubilation over his card,

"Whoopee! I’ve got all three so far! Amazing! HAHAHA! I’m ACTUALLY BEATING LINK at something! Yay!" he cried.

"Hmph. I could still kick your arse, Ganondorf." Link retorted.

"You wanna bet?" Ganondorf answered, spluttering and coughing as an 83 year-old does.

"Yeah…Well, no…Well maybe…After I’ve put my glasses on…Um, no, not really."

"Neither do I." Ganondorf said miserably, "I’m not the Gerudo I used to be…"

"AHEM! Link – I mean King Link, and Mr. Ganondorf, would you mind getting on with the game?" the man interrupted, winding the machine and pulling another ball out, then he continued, "33!"

"Ooh, I got one!" came an elderly feminine voice from a couple of tables away.

"Ah, helloooooo, Malon! You’re looking beautiful today…" Link said charmingly.

"Shut up, Link, you’re married, REMEMBER?" Zelda scolded.

"Err, oh yes…But Malon DOES look beautiful today!" Link argued, looking over at Malon again. She blushed accordingly.

"Don’t I look beautiful, Link?" Zelda sobbed falsely.

"Awww, of course you do, Zel’. You do, honest!" reassured Link. Zelda suddenly cheered up, and said,

"Yes, I do, don’t I!"

Link frowned at her for tricking him, but Zelda didn’t seem to care.

A few balls later, Zelda was catching up with Ganondorf, and Link was still having no luck whatsoever, because he kept getting distracted by Malon.

"LINK, if you don’t stop looking at MALON, I’ll set the Wolfos on you when we get home!" Zelda growled crossly.

"Alright, dear." Link gave in, "I promise."

Ganondorf nudged him, and whispered,

"Man, is she tough or what? I pity you, even though you’re my arch-nemisis."

"Too right," Link murmured back, "don’t even get me started!"

"I HEARD THAT!" Zelda huffed. Link and Ganondorf giggled and smirked for a moment, then Zelda gave them both a cold stare that made them stop, and sit up straight.


"Yes, got it! Isn’t this exciting!" cried Malon; Link was about to lean behind Zelda’s shoulder to look at her, but stopped himself, and Zelda smiled graciously in response.

"Oh, King Link, what kind of example are you setting to Hyrule?" the man on the stage said jokingly.

"KING LINK? Oh, is my old Sworn Brother here? HEY, LINK!" called Darunia, 87 years of age, from across the hall.

"HIYA, DARUNIA! LONG TIME NO SEE!" Link yelled at the top of his voice so Darunia would hear.

"Link, how can you hear Darunia, Malon, and even Ganondorf, but not your wife?" Zelda enquired.

"PARDON?" Link joked.

"That’s a RUBBISH joke, Link! Are you going to be serious with me or not?" Zelda persisted. Link was going to say ‘yes’, but the man at the front of the hall wasn’t prepared to waste any more time,


Ganondorf ticked a square off on his card.

"Zel…" Link began, and was interrupted again.


Ganondorf ticked another square; Link attempted to speak to Zelda.

"You see…"


He ticked another square; Link began again,

"Yes, Zel…"


"Zelda, I love…"

"YES!!! I BEAT LINK! I BEAT him! BEAT LINK! WOW! I’ve NEVER beaten Link at anything IN MY LIFE!" Ganondorf whooped.

"You…" Link ended his sentence.

"Love you too." Zelda grinned. One thing was still on her mind though, so she said sweetly to her husband, "How much did you have to drink before we got here?"

"Oh, I don’t know…a lot?"

So Ganondorf got his 5-rupee prize, Malon blushed all the way back to the ranch, and Link and Zelda lived prosperously for the rest of their lives.

The End

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