Hyrule Enters the Beijing Olympics 2008

By Karl H

China has found a way of Time Travel and have entered Hyrule into the Beijing Olympic Games 2008.



At the Olympic Stadium in Beijing.


T.V Host #1: Welcome everyone to the Beijing Olympics Day 1. Last night we had our Opening Ceremony where we saw spectacular performances. Then that new young man carried the Olympic torch and the games started. Who was that young man Jerry?


T.V Host #2: Well Frank, that was Link from the land of Hyrule. They are a new country to enter these Olympic games. Through China’s research on time travel they made a breakthrough in miracle modern science of Time Travel.


T.V Host#1: Really? That is amazing how many are entering from Hyrule?


T.V Host #2: We have Ten athletes from Hyrule here for the Olympic Games.


T.V Host #1: That really isn’t much. Can you name them for us?


T.V Host #2: (Is handed a piece of paper with names and events.) Well, Link the Hero of Hyrule is here for all athletic events, archery, Equestrain, and Fencing.


T.V Host#1: Wow! That is quite a few events for one person. Do you think he could handle it?


T.V Host #2: I am not to sure Frank? Who else was there? Well, Malon daughter of the Owner of Lon-Lon Ranch is entering for her special event of Equestrian.


T.V Host #1: I suppose her being around horses all her life could give her quite an edge but we have returning champion Mark Todd here for his Sixth Olympic Games and every one he has won at least a medal.


T.V Host #2: That is very true. Who else was there? Oh there was Ganondorf the King of Evil has entered himself in Gymnastic events. Saria one of the Child group called the Kokiri and youngest here at today’s games will be entering in with the Australian Hockey team who are quite a formidable side. Darunia the Leader of the Gorons in the Weight lifting events. Rauru the Sage of Light entering in the Wrestling event. Ruto, Princess of the Zora’s entering all water events including diving, synchronized swimming and Water Polo. She will be teaming with Nabooru for the synchronized swimming and will be teaming up with the United States for Water Polo.


T.V Host #1: Well these folks from Hyrule seem to be using races to there advantage. Who else is there?


T.V Host #2: There is Impa one of the Last surviving Sheikah entering Judo and Taekwondo. Nabooru, the second in charge of Gerudo Thieves, She will be entering in Beach Volleyball. And finally we are honoured to have the Princess of Hyrule itself, Zelda. She will be competing in Single Skulls of Rowing.


T.V Host #1: Well there you have it folks. The list of Hyrule’s entrants and what they are doing. We will now cross to Alice who is at the Finishing Line of the 400m sprints where the 400m sprinters are racing in the Final after the qualifiying rounds this morning. Alice over to you.


On the Running track. We see Link wearing short shorts, a singlet with the Triforce on the front and running shoes doing stretches.


Alice: Thank you Frank. I am here at the Finishing line beside Link from Hyrule who has managed to make it to the Final. (Turns to face Link.) Link. How does it feel to be here at the Olympic games?


Link: (Stops stretching.) Well I must say it is a real honour to represent Hyrule here. I must admit I am a bit nervous but when I had to save Hyrule from Ganondorf I was always running about the land as quick as I could. So this should be easier.


Alice: Very nice Link. Tell us how did you hear about the Olympic games?


Link: Well when we saw three people enter Hyrule we threw them in the dungeon and tortured them for information. They eventually told us about the Olympic Games and we decided to enter and those three guys bought some of us back here.


Alice: Thank you Link. Good Luck in your race. (Runs off.)


Link: Thanks. (Gets into starting position.)


Race Official: Sprinters take you mark.


Link: (Is pumped and ready to win.)


Race Official: SET.


Link: (Lifts his butt in the air.)


Ruto: (From somewhere in the stands.) Haha Link we can see your underpants.


Link: (Bows head in shame and yells back.) SHUT UP……..


Race Official: (Fires starting gun and Sprinters except Link take off.)


Link:………RUTO!!!!! (Turns around.) Oh Crap. (Takes off sprinting. He manages to catch up pretty quick and has taken Second place on the Final Stretch.) *puff puff* C’mon Link just a bit more. (Is neck to neck with the First placer at the last second before the finishing tape and both thrust themselves forwards hoping to get first.)


Voice over Big Speaker: That was close folks. Turns you attention to the Titan-tron for the official result.


Link and a guy from Jamaica are up there leaning forwards for the finish line. It is far too close to call so they zoom in and find Link just in front by a half a millimeter.


Voice over Big Speaker: We have the result. Link from Hyrule is the Winner of the Gold Medal.


Link: (Collapses to his knees and starts crying. Then gets up and goes over to shake the hand of the Second placer.)


Voice over Speaker: Congratulations, Link from Hyrule.


Next we go to the Gymnastics.


Ganondorf: (Wearing a woman’s Gymnastics tights (Someone obviously forgot to give him the correct tights………or did they?) pumping himself for his final performance. He must score 9.67 or above to win the Gold Medal.) (To self.) C’mon Ganondorf you can do this. This has been the day you have been waiting for. No more reason to hide your talents.


Voice over Speaker: Will the next performer step up to the floor.


Ganondorf: This is it. (Steps up to the side of the Dance Floor.) Here we go. (Starts running but trips over his own feet and goes flying into the judges table.)


Voice over Speaker: Disqualification for trying to attack the Judges.


Ganondorf: NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! (Kills everyone in the audience and the opposition.) NOW WHO IS THE WINNER?


A few days pass and Zelda is about to do her Rowing.


Zelda: (Sitting in her boat is trying tighten her foot holds. Checks her oars and holes in the boat.) Well everything seems in order. Lets get under way.


Voice over Speaker: Rowers take there oars.


Zelda: (Readies herself.)


A Big horns goes off and all the rowers take off with New Zealand in the lead within the first Kilometer.


Zelda: Time (Stroke.) to (Stroke.) make (Stroke.) my (Stroke.) move. (Flicks a switch on her oars and underneath her boat a motor pops out and starts doing its thing and sends Zelda way in front of the others. Until when she is close to the finish line she stops and floats the rest of the way winning in a world record time.) YAY!!! (Leaps up and falls into the water.)


Over at the Beach Volleyball. The score is tied and this next point will win it. They are taking a quick break from the game.


Nabooru: (Chatting up a hot guy in the audience.) ………………and these bikinis are really uncomfortable. I may have to take it off sooner or later.


Hot Guy: Sooner. Sooner. SOONER.


Nabooru: Sorry. But I have to go. Watch me will you?


Hot Guy: Who wouldn’t watch you?


Nabooru: (Goes to the Service line and serves.)


Opposing team: (Knock it back over.)


Nabooru: (Quick as a flash runs and jumps off her teammates head and spikes the volleyball down into the sand winning the match but coming down from her spike gets tangled up in the net.)


Voice over Speaker: She touched the net. The Victor is the team which Nabooru is not apart of.


Nabooru: Oh. (Speaks to teammates.) At least we got a silver medal. Right? (All the teammates or if you will teamenemies close in on her with murderous looks.) Oh no.


Back at the Athletics stadium Link is about to do Javelin.


Link: (Looking at his run up and calculating his throw.)


Ruto: (In the Audience screaming at Link.) HEY LINK UP OVER HERE.


Link: (Holds his head in his hand.) Why must I be put through this torture?


Ruto: (Still shouting.) LINK. LOOK AT ME. I WROTE YOU A SIGN.


Link: This just makes things much worse. No matter how many times I tell her to f**k off she just keeps coming back for more.


Ruto: (Holds up a sign saying “Marry Me Link.”)




Judges: (Measure the distance.) 203.256 metres.


Link: THAT will teach her.


At the swimming stadium.


Voice over Speaker: We have heard word from the main athletics stadium that Ruto of Hyrule has regretfully had to pull out from the competition.


Someone speaking to the voice over speaker guy: What happened to her?


Voice over Speaker: Some kind of injury. Apparently she broke something.


Someone speaking to the voice over speaker guy: What did she break?


Voice over Speaker: Her heart.


At the Equestrain field in Hong Kong.


Malon: (Pampering her horse which she has never named.) Well are you ready, horse?


Link: (Also pampering his horse I.e. Epona.) I know me and Epona are ready. Right girl?


Epona: (Snorts and shakes her mane.)


They go through the competition until there are Three. Mark Todd, Link and Malon.


Malon: (Uses stealthy action and appears beside Mark Todd’s horse.) Well THIS man wont be winning. (Loosens the saddle straps.) Hehehe. (Disappears.)


Later as Mark Todd is about to do his circuit.


Voice over Speaker: And her comes Mark Todd up to the final jump and….Oh dear folks it seems he and his saddle have been catapulted upwards. He will lose some serious points for not checking his equipment there. We may needs some medics down there he is screaming pretty loudly and it looks like his legs is in three different angles. Oh. No he is alright. He just fell asleep or passed out whichever sounds best, but I would go with passed out. Now clear him out of there and lets Malon get herself sorted.


A Few Minutes Later.


Malon: (In her mind.) This is it. The Final jump and I win. (Makes the jump but falls off her horse in surprise.)


Voice over Speaker: Awwwww. That will lose herself some serious points. What is she doing now? By the looks of it she is strangling the horse with the reigns. Lets see the judge score shall we.


Judge #1: (Holds up a 0.)


Judge #2 : (Holds up a 0.)


Judge #3: (Holds up a 0.1)


Voice over Speaker: Well all Link needs to do is make it around the course and he wins Gold.


A FewMinutes Later.


Voice over Speaker: AND HE HAS DONE IT. Link has scored a perfect 30 points from the judges. He has taken home the gold.


At the Weightlifting stadium.


Voice over Speaker: Now we have Darunia lifting 300 kg. This will be a serious world record here if he can lift it.


Darunia: (Putting powder on his hands and approaches the Weights.) Here we go Darunia. For yous people back at Goron Village who live by religious beliefs. (Lifts the Weights easily up to his chest. Then tries it upwards for 3 seconds. He is sweating a lot and is turning all red.) C’mon. (Suddenly farts and drops the weights onto his foot then stops hopping on the spot holding his foot and swearing loudly then is struck down by the almightly wrath of God himself who for some strange reason was sitting in the audience.)


Meanwhile at the Fencing Stadium.


Voice over Speaker: Final call for Link of Hyrule.


Link: (Hops through the door with mask and blade under one arm and trying to pull a on his boot.) I’m here. I’m here.


Voice over Speaker: Brilliant. Now players take you position.


Link: (Holds out his hand to shake his opponents hand.) Good Luck Mate.


Opposing French Fencer: (French Accent.) Please. I don’t need your luck. I could beat you with both my hand tied behind my back.


Link: I am sure that can be arranged.


Opposing French Fencer: (Spits at Links feet.) You are pathetic. You will lose a humiliating defeat by the hands of Le Rogue.


Link: Right. (Puts on his fencing mask.)


Referee: Player. Position


Link and Opposing French Fencer: (Both put there swords up I front of there faces.)


Referee: En Garde.


Link: (Lunges at Le Rogue but misses and gets jabbed in the chest.


Referee: Point.


Link: (Recovers and tries to defend. Problem is he is not used to light blades and fumbles too much losing point after point.)


Le Rogue: It seems to me I need one more point to win. I think you are have to going to stick to second.


Link: Oh. I am getting sick of this. (Draws out the Master Sword. Chops down Le Rogue’s blade and stabs him in the chest.) That’s a point, Biatch.


Le Rogue: (Dies.)


Referee: We have a winner. Link of Hyrule.


At the Wrestling stadium.


Rauru: (In a wrestling pose.) Bring it.


Rauru is severely beaten but enjoys every minute of it.


Rauru: Oh that was just lovely. (Pulls the opponent into a hug and  reaches around and grops the opponents buttocks.)


Opponent: Why did you do that?


Rauru: Oh. It is traditional from where I come from.


Opponent: Really? (Hugs Rauru and  reaches around and grops Rauru’s buttocks.)


Rauru: (Starts blushing and you see a little smirk on his face.)


Over at the Hockey Turf where Saria is playing Hockey. The game has ended in a draw of 0-0 against China and it is now a Penalty shoot-out. They have each scored 4 penalties each but it is now up to Saria to shoot the goal that will save the game………and Saria’s life due to the mental coach.


Earlier on today.


Australian Coach: (Pulls Saria back as she is running into the Changing room which is soundproof.) (Yells at her spraying spit over her.) NOW REMEMBER. IF WE LOSE OR DRAW . YOU WILL NOT LIVE TO SEE THE DAY YOU GET THE SILVER MEDAL. GOT IT?


Saria: I guess. (Wipes spit off her face and goes to leave the changing room with the door open a bit.)


Australian Coach: (Suddenly gains an innocent pose.) Good. Now do your best.


Now back to Saria who needs to score this Penalty to win Gold.


Saria: (Sweating a lot.) So. Much. Pressure……… Must. Score. Goal. To. Live……….Head. Getting. Light. ………(Shoots. The ball goes flying towards the goal and hits the Goalie in the head and knocks them out. The ball bounces along the ground and comes to a stop just nanometers from the goal-line.) Oh dear.


Australian Coach: (Snaps the Hockey Stick in two that they were holding with a murderous look on there face.)


At our Final Event. Archery.


Link: (Holding the Fairy bow. Although he just managed to bribe the judges to let him use it. Who would have thought that a single rupee to them was 10,000,000 yen to them.) Wind Direction. (Puts finger in his mouth and lifts it in the air.) North East. Distance.

50m. Right. (Fires his final shot which hits the bullseye.) YEAH!!!!.


Voice over Speaker: And now the judges will determine the score and winner of the Archery………………………(very VERY long pause. So long that I couldn’t put enough dots in to show that there was a long pause.) The Winner is………………..Link of Hyrule with a perfect score.


Link: YEAH!!!!!!! I have got a Gold Medal in every single event I have been in. I am so proud.


Later at the Portal that will send them all back to there Original time.


Link: (Weighed down by the weight of his Medals.) Well…..I am the best athlete in the world. How did you go Zelda?


Zelda: Oh. I got Gold in my event.


Ganondorf: Well I got Gold in MY event.


Link: I thought they called it off because everyone at the arena died for no apparent reason.


Ganondorf: Oh. *ahem* well there is a very logical explanation for that…….you see there was………….big…………ugly…………..man who came and killed them all.


Zelda: Ganondorf. Just admit the truth.


Ganondorf: Fine. They all died of Bird Disease because of those food people selling Peaking Duck.


Link: Oh. Well that works out fine. Saria how did………………….(Turns and finds she is not there.) Oh. Where is Saria?


Zelda: I am not sure.


At the Hockey Turf. Saria’s corpse hangs from one of the flagpoles.


Link: I’m sure she is fine. Darunia how did you go?


Darunia: I now know what Gods Wrath is like.


Link: What is it like?


Darunia: Painful. Very, Very Painful


Link: Right. Ru………………….Oh yeah. I killed her. Impa how did you go? Wait she hasn’t even done her event yet. (Turns to Zelda.) Can we got watch her? Please!


Zelda: No.


Link and Darunia: PLEASE!!!!


Zelda: Oh alright then.


Later at the Martial Arts Stadium.


Link: (Running.) Quickly. The entrance is up here.


They all enter the Arena and find Impa standing in the middle with her hand raised.


Voice over Speaker: And here is your winner of Taekwondo and Judo IMPA from Hyrule.


Link: Damn we missed it. Zelda why did you have to go get you haircut before we came here?


Zelda: I just thought I needed a treat.


Link: But WHY did you make us wait?


Zelda: I needed an opinion.


Link and Darunia: *groan*


A Few Days Later back in Hyrule.


Link: Navi. It was sooo incredible. I had so much fun and I won all these medals, killed this French guy. And…………….


Navi: Augh. Now I know how he feels when I am always speaking to him like this.


The End







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