The Royal Paparazzi

By Malon Reincarnated

Zelda: I do.

Link: I do.


**They kiss. Whoop-de-doo. Now Zelda and Link are married. Let’s take a look at the real story, four hours later. They are in a limousine on the way home from the reception.**


Link: Are you ~hic~ happy sweetie? ~hic~

Zelda: I don’t know. ~hic~ But that beer sure was ~hic~ tasty! ~hic~

Limo driver: It was champagne, Zelda. Now one of you drunkards tell me where your house is.

Zelda: ~hic~ I can’t remember, Linky. Tell the nice man where our house is. ~hic~

Link: ~hicHIC~ I don’t know, I think it’s called ~hic~ cloud nine? **yawns**

Zelda: ~hic~ Yeeeaaaahhhh, sooomethiiiing liiiike thaaat. **yawns, puts head on Link’s shoulder**

Limo driver: **tries not to pay any attention.**

Link: C’mon, candy cane, we haven’t ~hic~ even gotten ~hic~ to purple ~hic~ yet!

Zelda: **starts snoring**

Link: **starts snoring**

Limo driver: Arrgh… happens every time! No one can EVER tell me where they live because they’re ALL too drunk to remember!

**The limo driver keeps going, listening to the royal couple sawing logs in the backseat. After a half an hour, he can’t take it anymore. He throws a Hoobastank CD in the CD player, hoping to wake them up and get them to remember where they live. It doesn’t work-they’re still asleep. (Any wonder?)**

Limo driver: **singing** Found a reeeason for meeeeee… to change who I used to beeeeee… **stops singing and looks out of windshield** A pull-off! Maybe I can drop the off on the side of the road! Yeah! I’ll just throw them into the bushes, no one will see ‘em, and when they wake up they can hitchhike their way home or something, or walk home, Link has a sword, yeah… right here!

Limo driver: **pulls off the side of the road, and muttering to himself, nonchalantly dumps the two Highnesses onto the grass behind the highway shoulder. He then drives off and goes home.**

The Next Morning

**Link is awakened by the sound of a speeding truck honking its horn. When he opens his eyes, he sees Zelda, still in her (albeit champagne-stained and covered in grass and dirt) wedding gown, sleeping next to him. He realizes he is not at home, and that he has a terrible headache, and decides to wake Zelda up so they could go home or at least figure out where in Hyrule they were.**

Link: **rubs Zelda’s shoulder** Wake up!

Zelda: Mfghmdmphmph… huh…

Link: We need to get home! We’re in the grass next to a major highway!

Zelda: Okie… ~hic~ Do you have protection?

Link: What the… Zel?

Zelda: Link, your sword…

Link: Oh yeah… my sword… I get it… protection, very funny. Ha ha.

Zelda: Do you have it?

Link: Yeah, I usually have it, what do you expect? **Fumbles at his scabbard and pulls out a sword**

Link: Oh no. Aww crap. Stupid decorative wedding sword… my good Master Sword is at home! Crap crap crap crap crap crap CRAP!!!

Zelda: Well at least it’s a blade…

Link: IT’S PLASTIC YOU MORON! **In a fit of drunken stupidity he lowers his sword to his right thumb and slashes, but then realizes that the blade was in fact steel and that he had just cut off his right thumb. It is, however, still a very cheap ceremonial sword, never meant for combat.**

Link: Well, my headache’s gone now…

Zelda: Well at least you’re left handed… but now not only do we have no clue where we are, we need a hospital! Who’s the moron here?

Link: I am…

Zelda: Good. Now all we need to do is hitchhike to the nearest hospital.

Link: But I cut off my thumb!


Link: Ohh… right.

**They both stick out their thumbs. Pretty soon an old lady driving a sportscar slows down and offers them a ride. The get in the car, knowing that Link has at least some form of sword.**


Old lady: So where do you two need a ride to?

Zelda: The hospital. Link here cut off his thumb.

Old lady: Did you say, “Link”?

Zelda: Yeah, kind of. You see, I’m Princess Zelda and we just got married…

Old lady: **cutting off Zelda** Oh wow! Really?

Zelda and Link together: YES!!!

Old lady: I’m… your…

**Zelda and Link exchange a confused look**

Old lady: BIGGEST FAN!!! If you haven’t noticed already, here’s my Link poster on the ceiling of my car, the Zelda, Link, Malon, and Saria bobbleheads on my dash, and the “Pull the Master Sword First Edition” home game in the backseat! Each sold separately, collect the whole set! Hahahahahahaha! And did I show you the magazines in the front seat? Here you go! **tosses the stack of magazines at Link**

Link: **reading the magazine covers** “Link Sleeps with Malon! Racy Bedroom Photos!” “Zelda’s Dirty Little Secret!” “EXTRA! Link Spotted Wearing Metallic Thong! What Will He Think of Next?!?!” Okay, that does it. Who wrote these??

Old Lady: **singsong voice** I did!

Link and Zelda: YOU DID?!?!?!

Link: **draws his sword**

Zelda: **whispers** put that away, we still need to get to the hospital!

Link: Why did you write these!?

Old Lady: Gotta afford this sportscar somehow!

Link: **cursing and muttering to himself** Of all the people who we get a ride with, it’s some batty old lady who has brainwashed the public into thinking that I’m a player and she’s a skank… oh wait do they even know that we’re married… no, we kept the wedding secret… ooh crap…

Link: **whispers to Zelda** Why on earth did you tell HER of all people that we just got married? She’ll have a field day!

Zelda: Whoopsie… we’re still hung over remember?

Link: Right.

**They whiz right by the hospital; the old lady pays no attention.**

Link: We just passed the hospital, lady. I need to go to the hospital!!!

Old lady: Nonsense, we’re going to a publicity shoot! My fans will LOVE it that you two were found hitchhiking in your grass-covered wedding getup! The new King and Queen… hitchhiking! This means BILLIONS for moi! Ahahahahahaa!

Link: Hello… anybody in there? My entire right thumb is sitting in my lap. Severed. Covered in blood.

Old lady: Oh, bah-I’m sure there will be a nurse among the crowd, they’ll stitch you right up.

**Fifteen minutes later, at the “photo shoot”**

Old lady: Oh, Isn’t this lovely? I have to go do my makeup, got to look good for my fans! Ta-ta! Don’t go anywhere!

Zelda: Can’t I go too? I look like crap!

Link: **hisses** Zel…

Old lady: Of course not, they’re all dying to see you with sticks in your hair! Toodeloo!

**she walks into the bathroom and shuts the door**

**Link and Zelda exchange a scared glance and without a word quietly bolt for the door.**

Link: **once far away from the lady’s house** Well, that was easy.

Zelda: Now what?

Link: Well… **takes Zelda’s hand with his surviving one**

Old lady with crowd of paparazzi: SIEZE THEM!

Zelda and Link together: Ohh… my… Farore… RUUUUUN!!!!

**Then ensues a long, high-speed chase in which the paparazzi infiltrates the town, causing mass destruction to a fountain, a Chinese restaurant, a statue of the old King, a junior high school, a computer store, and a public ladies’ restroom. Finally Link and Zelda find the royal castle. They bolt in and make sure the guards stand their ground. Then they find the castle doctor, but unfortunately Link’s thumb cannot be reattached. Link will be forever nine-digited.**

Link: **After they get changed into good clothes and pack their bags** Ready to go Zelda?

Zelda: Yep!

**They gather up their luggage, and then Link takes Zelda’s arm and pulls out his ocarina. He Plays the Serenade of Water, and soon they are at their honeymoon destination; the Zora Resort, two miles from the scenic Water Temple.**

Link: **to bellhop** Take this stuff up to room 317, please.

Bellhop: Yessir.

**exit bellhop**

Zelda: Now what?

Link: The beach?

**pretty soon they’re on the beach, relaxing on beach chairs and drinking margaritas.**

**two hours later**

Zelda: Link, I think I see something in the distance…

Link: You’re probably just hallucinating. You’ve had six margaritas.

Zelda: It was five you idiot!

Link: Whatever.

**half an hour later**

Zelda: No, I’m not hallucinating; there is definitely a ship about to land here.

Link: **pulls out telescope he borrowed from his sister** **focuses his telescope**

Zelda: Well?

Link: Yep. That’s a ship. Hey wait a minute… I think we know someone on that boat, and she’s steering.

Zelda: Ruto?

Link: It’s the old lady we met earlier today! The crazy one who wrote all the magazine articles!

Zelda: **snatches telescope out of Link’s hands** And she’s got the paparazzi with her!

Link: **snatches telescope from Zelda; unfortunately, he dropped it and it broke.**

Link: Crap…Aryll’s gonna positively kill me…

Zelda: Forget her! Grab what’s left and run!

**Link takes the broken telescope, his towel, and his shirt. Zelda grabs her flip-flops and margarita. They run back to the hotel.**

Link: Excuse me, can you get the bellhop to bring or luggage down here? We have to leave right now.

Clerk: I’m sorry, the bellhop is on break. Can’t you just go up to your room and bring the luggage down yourself?

Link: Oh yeah… wait… **checks pockets** I don’t have it. Do you have it Zelda?

Zelda: No… you must have left it on the beach.

Link: Okay, I’ll just go back and get it… uh oh… the ship has landed. They’re all over the beach looking for us. We can’t go back now.

Zelda: Well you don’t have your Ocarina! We can’t play the Song of Soaring and go back to the castle! We’re stuck here!

Link: Well then let’s just hide.

**They run into the nearest building: a music shop.**

Link: Can you hide us in a back room and not tell anyone we’re here? We’re being pursued by a batty old lady and need to hide.

Store manager: I think I can arrange that.

**The manager leads them into a back room, full of dusty old instruments.**

Zelda: Well this is great.

Link: Hey… wait a second… remember how in Majora’s mask I had a different instrument for each magic mask I had? Well maybe if I figure out the Song of Soaring on one of these, we can go back.

Zelda: Worth a try.

Link: **picks up a few different instruments: the only one that works is a mandolin.**

Zelda: Can you play that?

Link: I don’t know how to play a mandolin!

Zelda: Just try!

Link: Whatever. **picks it up, starts plucking at it.**

**All of a sudden, they hear many thunderous footprints rushing into the store, with voices screaming, “Where’s Link? Where’s Zelda?” The Hylian newlyweds sit stock-still and try not to make a sound.**

Store manager: I don’t know what you are talking about. Of course they’re not here.

**The paparazzi mutter dejectedly and walk out the door.**

Store manager: **Opens door** They’re gone now. You’re safe.

Link: Can we stay here a couple more minutes? I’m trying out this mandolin.

Store manager: Sure, whatever. After all, you’re with the Princess. (He doesn’t know they’re married).

Link: Thanks!

Store manager: **shuts door**

Zelda: Well, hurry up! Play the song!

Link: How does it go?

Zelda: You should know!

Link: **Thinks he remembers how to play the Song of Soaring, but actually plays the Song of Time.**

**a strange little window pops up**

Link: It says, “Would you like to go back 24 hours?”

Zelda: That works. Link, you’re a genius!!!

Link: **Punches the “Yes” button**

**All of a sudden, they’re back at their wedding. Link is standing at the altar, and Impa is walking Zelda up the aisle. The wedding proceeds.**

Link: I do.

Zelda: I do.

**You know the rest.**

**At the reception**

Link: Hey Zel? Try to have just two glasses of champagne this time around, okay?

Zelda: Agreed.


So our royal couple officially becomes the King and Queen, and they live happily ever after.

The End.

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