PRIEST: If anyone sees why these two lovers should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak no-

(Ruto, Saria, Nabooru and Malon burst in)

ALL GIRLS (apart from Zelda): I OBJECT!

PRIEST: (looking vague) Err, what?

RUTO: You heard me you blockhead, now tell that pretty girl to back away from my fiancée!

LINK: Ruto, shove off!

PRIEST: Err, I don't understand. This is your fiancée?

RUTO: You'd better believe it Pops.

MALON: Yeah, but he don't love her, he love me, don't you baby?

NABOORU: Yeah you wish!

SARIA: Yeah, he’s MINE!

MALON: Link tell them you love me! Remember, you told me last Wednesday,  didn't you?

ZELDA: When was this Link?

LINK: No no, Malon’s lying, she’s a bit drunk, too much... er..... Lon Lon  Milk.

MALON: Oh but you did! Remember? You even SLEPT with me, and you said....

ALL GIRLS (apart from Malon): Link, how could you?!

LINK: Well, quite easily you see, Malon’s very-

SARIA: Link you liar! You said you'd love ME forever! I was your 1ST love!  Remember?

LINK: Do I have to?

NABOORU: You two timing freak! (Slaps Link)

LINK: OWW! Well, actually, it was more like four tim-

NABOORU: (SLAP)

ZELDA: WHY ARE YOU MARRYING ME WHEN YOU HAVE ALL THESE OTHER GIRLS!?

LINK: Well, 'cos you're the prettiest...

(SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP)

LINK: OWOWOWOWOW!

RUTO: WELL IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO MARRY ME CAN I HAVE MY STONE BACK NOW!

LINK: err... I kinda lost it...

RUTO: WHAT! YOU F****** S** OF A B****!!!!!

LINK: Hey, leave my mother out of this!

NABOORU: Awww, Links a mummy's boy, is Mummy watching at home, Linkie winkie?

LINK: No, she died when Ganondorf took over Hyrule…

NABOORU: Oh no, I told Ganon to be a good boy, oh dear, I'd better go spank him....

MALON: Wait a minute, you're Ganon’s mother!?

NABOORU: err, no....

RUTO: LINK I HATE YOU!

SARIA: Well I don't, I love him.

RUTO: I know, I'm going for attention here.

SARIA: Oh

ZELDA: LINK YOU B******, YOU TWO TIMING-

LINK: We've had that one already

ZELDA: Oh.... DAMMIT!

(Door bursts open, Navi flies in)

NAVI: HEY LISTEN, HEY LISTEN, HEY LISTEN, HEY LISTEN-

RUTO: WE ARE LISTENING YOU JUMPED UP COCKROACH!

NAVI: HEY LISTEN, I OBJECT!!!

LINK: (head in hands) Oh brother....

RUTO: You have a brother!? I'll have him instead!

(Door bursts open again, Gerudo girls come in)

GERUDO GIRLS: HEY LINK, GUESS WHAT! WE'RE PREGNANT! AND GUESS WHOS THE

FATHER!

ALL GIRLS: *£$%"^*(*^%$%$$&%^&^(&*&)&*(&*^^&%^%^$^&^&^*^*^**()_($%&*?

(Phone begins to ring and Link answers)

LINK: What! That’s great! No no, I won't be missing nothing here. Well sees you in a minute! (Hangs up) Well girls, I have to go. Got an audition, bye  love ya!

(Epona appears)

LINK: Ah, Epona, the best girl in my life.

ALL GIRLS: WHAT, YOU'D A FREAKING HORSE OVER ME, WHY!!!!?????????

LINK: Well, you see, Epona can't talk so....

ALL GIRLS: YOU *$£?%*£&$?***

LINK: Well, bye!

NABOORU: THIS MEANS WAR!

 

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