PRIEST: If anyone sees why these two lovers should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak no-
(Ruto, Saria, Nabooru and Malon burst in)
ALL GIRLS (apart from Zelda): I OBJECT!
PRIEST: (looking vague) Err, what?
RUTO: You heard me you blockhead, now tell that pretty girl to back away from my fiancée!
LINK: Ruto, shove off!
PRIEST: Err, I don't understand. This is your fiancée?
RUTO: You'd better believe it Pops.
MALON: Yeah, but he don't love her, he love me, don't you baby?
NABOORU: Yeah you wish!
SARIA: Yeah, he’s MINE!
MALON: Link tell them you love me! Remember, you told me last Wednesday, didn't you?
ZELDA: When was this Link?
LINK: No no, Malon’s lying, she’s a bit drunk, too much... er..... Lon Lon Milk.
MALON: Oh but you did! Remember? You even SLEPT with me, and you said....
ALL GIRLS (apart from Malon): Link, how could you?!
LINK: Well, quite easily you see, Malon’s very-
SARIA: Link you liar! You said you'd love ME forever! I was your 1ST love! Remember?
LINK: Do I have to?
NABOORU: You two timing freak! (Slaps Link)
LINK: OWW! Well, actually, it was more like four tim-
ZELDA: WHY ARE YOU MARRYING ME WHEN YOU HAVE ALL THESE OTHER GIRLS!?
LINK: Well, 'cos you're the prettiest...
(SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP) (SLAP)
RUTO: WELL IF YOU AREN'T GOING TO MARRY ME CAN I HAVE MY STONE BACK NOW!
LINK: err... I kinda lost it...
RUTO: WHAT! YOU F****** S** OF A B****!!!!!
LINK: Hey, leave my mother out of this!
NABOORU: Awww, Links a mummy's boy, is Mummy watching at home, Linkie winkie?
LINK: No, she died when Ganondorf took over Hyrule…
NABOORU: Oh no, I told Ganon to be a good boy, oh dear, I'd better go spank him....
MALON: Wait a minute, you're Ganon’s mother!?
NABOORU: err, no....
RUTO: LINK I HATE YOU!
SARIA: Well I don't, I love him.
RUTO: I know, I'm going for attention here.
ZELDA: LINK YOU B******, YOU TWO TIMING-
LINK: We've had that one already
ZELDA: Oh.... DAMMIT!
(Door bursts open, Navi flies in)
NAVI: HEY LISTEN, HEY LISTEN, HEY LISTEN, HEY LISTEN-
RUTO: WE ARE LISTENING YOU JUMPED UP COCKROACH!
NAVI: HEY LISTEN, I OBJECT!!!
LINK: (head in hands) Oh brother....
RUTO: You have a brother!? I'll have him instead!
(Door bursts open again, Gerudo girls come in)
GERUDO GIRLS: HEY LINK, GUESS WHAT! WE'RE PREGNANT! AND GUESS WHOS THE
ALL GIRLS: *£$%"^*(*^%$%$$&%^&^(&*&)&*(&*^^&%^%^$^&^&^*^*^**()_($%&*?
(Phone begins to ring and Link answers)
LINK: What! That’s great! No no, I won't be missing nothing here. Well sees you in a minute! (Hangs up) Well girls, I have to go. Got an audition, bye love ya!
LINK: Ah, Epona, the best girl in my life.
ALL GIRLS: WHAT, YOU'D A FREAKING HORSE OVER ME, WHY!!!!?????????
LINK: Well, you see, Epona can't talk so....
ALL GIRLS: YOU *$£?%*£&$?***
LINK: Well, bye!
NABOORU: THIS MEANS WAR!
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