NOTE: This is one of many of my silly fics. Don't take it seriously.
CHAPTER 1: THE ENCOUNTER
The sun shone brightly on the sacred land of Hyrule. It was very quiet and peaceful until a certain green clad elf on top of his mighty steed interrupted the day.
Out chasing after a Poe, he had a bow and arrow in one hand. The Poe flew, swinging left and right as Link continued to shoot arrows at it. "You're not getting away from me that easily. I can keep this up ALL day!" said Link with a huge grin on his face. The Poe turned its head at Link and its eyes widened in fright. The Poe looked ahead and spotted a wall and was about to phase through it, but Link was prepared. He shot one light arrow through it and it found itself pinned to the ground. It winced in pain as Link hopped off of Epona. He took its lantern to insure it could not teleport and he pulled it from the ground. Link then took out one of his bottles and popped the cork. The Poe was sucked inside and then he closed it.
"Wow, that's a big one, I'm surprised it even fits in that little bottle," complemented Navi.
"Me too, Navi. It nearly got away, but it should be worth lot of money," Link spoke as he wiped away the sweat off his brow. "Good thing we managed to run into it. I'm flat broke and haven't eaten a decent meal in ages."
"Well we better hurry cause the Poe keeper's shop closes soon," said Navi. They loaded up and headed towards Kakoriko Village cemetery.
When they got to the entrance Link jumps off of Epona and carried his Poe.
"Well hello young man, what can I do for you." His voice was deep and moody and every time he spoke it brought a chill down his spine. The fact that he only had one huge red eye didn't help either.
"I brought you a Poe. How much do you think it will get me?" he asked as he showed him his catch.
"Hmmmm, my this is a big Poe, I'll give you thirty rupees."
"What?! That's bull, the other Poe collector offered me twice that amount!"
"Well, this IS a rare breed, I'll raise it up to seventy then."
"Deal." As soon as Link got his rupees and left the Poe keeper.
"Hey Link, I didn't know there was another Poe Shop."
"Neither did I. I really didn't expect him to believe me," he said as he placed the rupees in his wallet. "So what should we spend on with the extra 20 rupees?"
"Why don't we go to the Planet Hyrule restaurant. That place has the best food and for once we could actually afford it."
"Why not," he said as they walked inside the restaurant in the Market. There were knights everywhere that were legendary. Link had always wanted to meet some of them. After eating Link decided to go to the bar and have a few drinks. An armored man walked up to him.
"Hey you must be Link, I've heard of you before. Aren't you the Hero of Time?" asked one knight. "Uh, yes sir," he said as he looked at the knight.
"Well my name is Sir Dartadan of the Sierra Red Territory."
"So what are you doing here?" asked Link.
"I got bored, it has been a very slow week. I only saved my Princess three times this week."
"Yeah, I know how you feel, I only saved Zelda twice this week and had to keep myself busy with Poe Hunting."
"I hear you man, ever since Princess Ruby got more bodyguards I only saved her once this week. Now I spend most of my time here drinking booze just to ease my depression," said another knight.
"Well, I better be going, I promised Saria I would visit her," said Link. "Well that's nice, you better go now while there is a princess rescuing repression," said the bartender.
Link and Navi left Planet Hyrule and proceeded on to the Kokori Forest. Link enjoyed visiting his home even though he is Hylian. Link continued to practice the ways of the Kokori sleeping outside and eating the same food like berries, greens, and of course candied yams. He was halfway there when he heard a scream.
"IS SOMEONE THERE? PLEASE HELP ME!" a voice screamed.
"What was that?"
"I'm not sure, it sounded like it came from below," Navi answered. Link looked all around and there in some high grass was a hole in the ground. Link pulled out his Master Sword and went into a ready stance. The sword began to charge up with mystic energy. With one swift swing he burned the grass to ash and found two rupees in the process. He walked up to the hole as Navi descended down. Using the light that she produced, she lit the dark cave.
"Hey, are you alright?" asked Link as he stuck his head down the hole.
"Please help me, it's so dark and I think I broke my leg." Navi flew near him. He could barely make out his features even with Navi glowing right next to him. He looked like a little boy. Link pulled out a piece of rope and lowered it to him. The boy grabbed the rope and Link pulled him out. Link couldn't believe it. It was an imp. Imps had even longer and pointer ears then elves and only grow to be two feet. They are considered immortal and very powerful but they only use their power for fun and games.
"Oh thank you sir, I never thought anyone would ever rescue me from this hole," he exclaimed.
"What?! You mean to say that there had been others here but they didn't try to help you?" Link was shocked. How could anyone leave him in there. He knew that anyone who even crossed the Field would have heard him and he couldn't have been the only one who was kind enough to try and help him.
"I'm afraid so, no one likes imps, and the pain from my leg made it impossible to for me to teleport. My name is Eliga and because you saved me I am going to do something special," said the grateful imp. Link poured red potion on the imp's leg.
"What is it?" asked Navi.
"I will give one wish to you... no... everyone!" said the imp.
"Really, you mean I can get whatever I want."
"Yep, but remember, you only get one wish and you have to be careful of what you wish for because there are some hooks and I'll be watching," he said as he disappeared.
"Wow... one wish... hey do you think I get a wish too?" asked Navi.
"Of course you do, he did say everyone didn't he?"
"Well I know what I'm going to wish for."
"What is it?"
"Well, I'm sick of being a fairy. I can never do all the stuff you do like ride Epona, fight, or meet people. I'm so... insignificant. I wish to be a Hylian." And with that Navi glowed a bright green and then with a flash she went from three inches to five foot five. Her hair was blond with light red highlights wearing a dark blue skirt, a gray blouse with and a black bust. "It... it... it worked, I can't believe it!" she said as she began to twirl around. "So what do you think,Link?" she asked him.
Link's eyes were somewhat awestruck and his mouth was slightly opened. "I haven't the words," he replied still stunned at how gorgeous she looked now.
"C'mon Link, I want to show Zelda my new body," she said running across the Field to the Market. However as he ran something popped in his head, "I wonder what everyone else wished for and do they know that they had one wish in the first place?"
CHAPTER 2: THE TIME OF PROSPERITY
When they got there, the place was raining rupees.
"YAHOOOOOO! I'M RICH!!!!" proclaimed one peasant.
"Big deal SO AM I!" shouted another.
Link couldn't believe it. All those peasants must have wished for wealth. "I'M GOING TO PLANET HYRULE TO EAT FOREVER!!!" said one local.
"YOU AND HALF THE TOWN!" said another.
Link watched people scoop up the loot in barrels. Heck even Link had to use his Hylian shield to cover himself after seven gold rupees hit his head.
When Link reached Hyrule's farmland it was raining... well, rain. The farmers were overjoyed since they were experiencing a bad drought for the last five months.
When Link and Navi got to the castle, they were prepared to climb the vines, duck in the grass and sneak in to see Zelda however there were no guards anywhere. Then they found the guards and realized what they wished for... a vacation. They were over at the clearer part of the castle's entrance. Some were playing golf, some were drinking booze while the other half were in a pool surrounded by A LOT of naked women.
"HEY YOU, IN THE GREEN CAP, WANNA JOIN US," shouted a drunk guard.
"We have room for one more, especially if it is someone as SEXY as you," called one of the girls as they giggling about.
"SURE!!" said Link.
"Uh were too busy right now," said Navi as she pulled his arm and dragged him over to the castle.
Link and Navi entered the garden where Zelda was tending her roses. "Link, how are you today and who is your friend?" she said as she looked up.
"Just fine thank you, and this is Navi... without wings."
"Navi?! Oh my god I can't believe it is really you," she said smiling.
"I know, neither can I. So what do you think?" asked Navi.
"You look great, but how did you do it? I know fairies can do so many special things but turning into a Hylian is certainly not one of them."
"I wished for it from an imp who granted one wish to everyone in Hyrule," said Navi.
"WHAT?! How can you trust an imp? They are some of the lowest forms in Hyrule second only to the Gerudo and Ganondorf!"
"Well we saved him and before we knew it he gave everyone one wish. Anytime you say a wish, it will come true," said Navi.
"You mean I could ask for world peace, and it will happen?" asked Zelda.
"Of course," said Navi.
"Well then, I wish for world...."
"WAIT, remember what the imp said about hooks. If you say world peace everyone will probably end up dying instead."
"Hmmm, I never thought of that. Maybe I should wait a while longer before I make my wish," said Zelda.
"That's probably the best thing to do," said Link. All of a sudden, Impa came running in.
"Princess, there is trouble at Lon Lon Ranch. A yellow ooze has taken over there and it may reach the Castle," she said breathing hard.
"Malon's in trouble, I have to help her," said Link as he ran out.
"I'll go with you, she's my friend too," said Zelda.
"Same here." Navi jumped up only to crash back down onto the floor. "Oops, I forgot I can't fly anymore," she said. Link made room for Navi to sit with him on Epona while Zelda rode Diadem.
It took about three hours but they finally reach there. Several solders were already there poking spears and trying to slow it down with their shields.
"HELP, I CAN'T GET OUT!" said a faint voice. It was Malon trapped in the Ranch.
"DON'T LET IT TOUCH YOU MEN, IT MUST BE MADE OF POISON OR SENT BY THE DEVIL HIMSELF!!!" said the general trying to fight it. Link took one look at it and bravely walked up towards it.
"Link be careful, it may be dangerous," said Zelda. Link pulled off his sword, shield, and one gauntlet. The solders gasped in shock as Link took one exposed finger and stuck it into the yellow slime. Link pulled it out and the yellow slime just stuck to his finger. He looked at it puzzled and stuck it in his mouth.
"It's... butter," he said, his curiosity piqued.
CHAPTER 3: THE "PARKEY" THREAT
"Butter... you mean to say we have been fighting BUTTER for an hour!" said the solders as they tossed their weapons to the ground.
"But where could all this butter come from, there must be millions of gallons to fill this ranch and there is still more being produced, unless it was the...." said Navi.
"It must be, there is no other way to explain it unless Ganondorf has developed some sort of humor. Nevertheless, Malon is still in there and we got to get her out before she chokes on the butter," said Link digging through his sache.
"Then we will start digging immediately," said the general.
"There isn't time," said Navi.
"Then how will Link get through the wall of butter?" asked Zelda.
"What else," he said as he changed into his Zora Tunic. "I'm going to swim through it."
"You're WHAT?!" said the solders.
"LINK, THAT IS THE MOST DERANGED IDEA YOU EVER CAME UP WITH! The Zora Tunic was made for water not butter!" complained Navi.
"Do you have any better ideas?" he said and then he dived right in. He had to remember the ranch's layout if he was to find Malon. He could hear the faint cries of her as he trudged through the butter and finally he could feel the door to the stables. He could hear her a lot louder. He opened the door, jumped right in and shut it. He looked across the stables and saw Malon, Ingo, and Talon.
"Malon, are you all right? What happened?" he said as he rushed over to her. She was crying.
"I... don't... know," she said sobbing.
"Calm down, was there anything special you were doing before all of this happened?" he asked as he wiped the butter off his eyes.
"I was churning butter for Daddy because it was his birthday. I figured, for a special treat, he could have butter on his cornbread for once. Then I wished that I didn't had to do all the churning when all of a sudden, as if by magic, the churner started churning itself. I was thrilled at first, but the churner would not stop. It kept churning and churning and as if by magic butter started to appear in it ready to be churned some more. Because I was over in the storage house, I didn't realized it churned enough butter to make a wall of butter three feet wide. Ingo tried to blow the churner up, hoping it would stop but it got so bad that we were forced to barricade the stable just to stay alive. Do you realize how embarrassing it would be to drown in butter?" she said.
Link looked around to see if there was some way to get Malon out. Then he looked above. *Zelda, can you hear me?* he thought hoping that she was using her telepathy at that moment.
*I hear you, are you all right? Have you found them yet?* she asked.
*Yeah, I'm fine and yes I found them but they are trapped. It'll take too long for them go through the butter like me. They wouldn't be able to hold their breath long enough*(unlike Link who didn't breathe with the Zora Tunic on). *How high is the wall of butter?* he asked.
*It looks about 15 feet high.*
"Malon how high is the roof?" he asked.
"Only 12 feet," she replied.
"Damn, looks like we are going to have to tunnel through the three feet of butter and climb over to the other side," he said. He took out his hookshot and fired it at the ceiling where he swung onto a wooden beam up above. Malon threw a rope to him and he tied himself to a beam. He then began to pull boards off the ceiling until butter started leaking through. The hot sun, he thought. The butter on the roof was melting and was practically flooding the stable. He had only one chance to save them. Ingo, Talon, and Malon began panicking as the butter rose to their knees in a matter of SECONDS! He climbed on the roof. Link took out his hookshot and fired at Malon's skirt. He pulled her up. He then got Ingo. Finally he tried to pull Talon by himself but he weighed too much so Malon and Ingo got behind him and started pulling. Talon escaped and they trudged through the three feet of butter and onto the edge where Zelda, Navi and the solders were waiting below.
There the solders helped them down to Hyrule Field. Zelda took one look at Link and started laughing. Link looked down and realized that he was dripping from head to foot in butter. His face was yellow and his blue tunic was now as green as his Kokori tunic. Link gave her a firm, sour glare but she still kept laughing. Finally he walked up to her and held out his hands. Zelda looked at their position and had an upset look on her face.
"Oh no... YOU WOULDN'T!" she said as he stepped towards her. She backed away until she could go no further. With his arms spread out and a wide grin forming on his face, Zelda really began to panic.
"Link, if you even THINK about what I think you're going to do, I swear I'll have you locked up in the deepest dankest dungeon I can find or make you a door guard or force you to play the Philips-CDi... STOP!!!" she pleaded but she shouldn't have laughed at him. He ran up to her and gave her a huge bear hug and she too was saturated in butter.
"It was worth it," he retorted as the buttered up Zelda(no pun intended) pushed him into the butter wall.
After a quick dip in the lake, Link, Zelda, and Navi walked back to Kakoriko Village.
"Will you two keep your distance from me, that butter smell is making me sick!" complained Navi.
"Link, do you think there are other people who accidentally made a bad wish like Malon did?" asked Zelda.
"I hope not, I'll probably won't be able to get the smell of butter out of my tunic for a long time," he said as they headed toward the supposedly quiet village. Right over at the school, it was snowing.
"Hmmmm, I wonder how many kids wished for that," said Navi sarcastically.
Meanwhile in Gerudo Fortress. Nabooru and some Gerudo Guards were sore after a bad theft.
"I can't believe that the Royal Hylian DICKHEADS had a surprise attack on us!" said Nabooru as she threw her swords to the ground. "It just makes me so MAD that the fact that they succeeded and we lost twelve of our sisters."
"Same here," said one guard.
"Men are such pigs," said another guard.
"I know, I wish they would turn into whatever animal they really are."
Back at Kakoriko Village. Link, all of a sudden, passed out and started to glow. He woke up an hour later....
"Owwww my head hurts," he said. "Hey, why are you two looking at me funny like that."
"Link... I think you should see for yourself," muttered Navi as she pulled out a mirror and put it in front of him.
CHAPTER 4: THE BUNNY OF TIME
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPEN TO ME?!!!" he said shocked. He looked down at himself and realized he was only about as high as Zelda's knees. He wanted to cry. "I'm... I'm... I'm a bunny," he said sadly.
"OKAY WHO WISHED FOR THIS TO HAPPEN?!" he said as he pulled out the Master Sword. Amazingly despite being only a foot tall, he was able to hold the huge thing without any problems.
"Link, it ain't that bad," said Zelda but Link flashed a sour look. "Umm never mind." Link began pacing back and forth with his paws folded on his back and his long ears sticking straight up.
"How can I be the Hero of Time when I'm only 12 inches tall. The worst I can do is give Ganondorf a heart attack from laughter," he said as he plopped to the ground with his ears drooping.
"Link, cheer up," said Zelda as she took the Master Sword, picked him up, cradled him, and begin tickling him.
"Quit it," he said. He laughed and tried to push her hand away with his hind legs, but he liked it. He knew she was trying to make him feel better and it was working. Navi looked all around.
"Well Link, the good news is that your not the only animal," said Navi as she pointed out that all the other men now animals. The carpenters were dogs, some visiting princes were frogs. However, Dampe the Graveyard keeper was a vulture and he was beginning to eye Link.
"CRAP!!" he shrieked as he jumped out of Zelda's arms. Dampe took flight and chased after him. He was surprised at how much faster he had gotten but unfortunately soon he was cornered and Dampe began approaching him.
"You're going to be a fine meal," he said. Link was trembling and stuck out a paw.
"NOOOOOO, I DON'T WANT TO DIE A VIRGIN!!!" he screamed. Zelda was laughing and she took her magic and held the vulture in place long enough for Navi to put a wooden crate on him. Zelda walked up to the shaking Link who had his ears covering his eyes.
"Link, it's safe now. You lived another day to score," she said giggling. One ear flung up from his eye to look at her.
"I can't believe I actually said that!" he said as he got up and dusted himself off.
"Well rabbits do have a lot of hormones, Mister Pervert of Time."
"Very funny," he replied sarcastically
"I didn't know you were a virgin," asked Navi.
"Quiet, someone may hear you," said Link.
"So what do we do now?" asked Navi.
"Well before I become some vulture's snack, I wish all men that were animals are back to normal once more," he said. He passed out again and woke up an hour later. Link looked at himself making sure he was Hylian but then he saw it. On his butt was a little cotton tail.
"What?! I wasted my wish to become Hylian and they forgot to get rid of the tail?!" he said furiously. Zelda and Navi began laughing.
"I'm sorry Link *snicker* we couldn't help ourselves," said Navi as she pulled off the tail which was really cotton stuck on with some honey. Link gave a sneer but then started cracking up as well.
"I wonder who made that..." The Gerudo, he thought to himself but then a luminous light surrounded him.
"Link what's happening?" asked Zelda.
"I don't know, I think I'm being...." he said as he disappeared. A minute after being transported.
"Link come on, wake up," said a voice.
"Huh... Navi, Zelda, is that you?" he asked. His vision was still too hazy from the sudden teleportation. All he could see was white everywhere.
"No silly *chuckle*, it's me, your fiancee, Ruto."
"Fiancee?!" his vision was clear now, he was in a chapel with Ruto next to him and he looked down and realized he was wearing a black tux with his hair tied back.
"Oh Link, I've dreamt of this moment the SECOND I met you. *sigh* All my wishes are coming true. WE ARE FINALLY GETTING MARRIED!!!" she squealed in delight and squeezed him tightly.
Link had only one thing on his mind now. "Maybe I should've stayed a bunny and let Dampe eat me," he groaned.
TO BE CONTINUED....
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