CHAPTER 5: HERE COMES THE BRIDE
"Uh... Ruto, are you SURE you want to do this? We aren't even the same species," he explained as Ruto held his hand to put on a ring. "I don't care, soon we will be together as one and we can share each other, EVERY night," she said as she twirled his hair. Link shuddered of such a thought.
Meanwhile Zelda and Navi where still in Kakoriko Village thinking.
"I still can't believe it. LINK'S A VIRGIN!!" said Zelda.
"Neither can I, but we still have to find him."
"Do you think Ganondorf captured him?" asked Zelda.
"I doubt it. He doesn't even know he could wish for whatever he wants. Thank Din," replied Navi.
"But where could he be then? We don't know where to start."
"Hey, wouldn't the sages know where Link is?"
"You're right," she said. She quickly summoned them.
Back at the wedding....
"Do you Link, wish to take Princess Ruto as your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold till death do you part?" asked the preacher.
"I... I... I... I do???" The power of the wish was strong.
"And do you Ruto, wish to take Link as your lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold till death do you part?" he asked.
"I... oh wait a moment I'm getting a psychic message from Zelda," she said. She placed her fingers near her temples and began concentrating. *Zelda this better be important, I'm in the middle of getting hitched right now.*
*Ruto, I'm sorry to interrupt your wedding but Link is missing, he could be tortured, hurt, banished to the Dark Realm or....*
*Oh don't worry, he's the one I'm getting married to.*
*Oh Zelda, why aren't you here on THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!*
*Ruto, I'm sorry I'm going to have to hurt you but.... (Zelda tells Ruto about the imp and the one wish deal)*
*Oh poo, you mean he really doesn't want to get married to me?*
*I'm sorry Ruto.*
*Well, couldn't we get married and than after the honeymoon, you know, when he does his thing....*
*RUTO!! You know you have to do the right thing.* Ruto sighed. Ruto broke the psychic link with Zelda. "WEDDING'S OFF. EVERYONE GO HOME NOW!" she shouted and stomped right out of the chapel. Link was somewhat confused by this so he wanted to see why she ended the ceremony.
"Ruto, what's the matter?" he asked her.
"Link, I know how much you care for me but I can't marry you since it ain't real and it would not be fair to you if it ain't under your own power. However I need to give you something." And with those words she took her scarf and whipped it around his neck and pulled him down to her level. She then kissed him on the neck and held it for a little bit. When she was done, she whispered in his ear, "Just a little somethin' to remember me by."
Link walked away heading back to Kakoriko Village but before he did he looked in a mirror. There on his neck was a hickey in the shape of the Zora Sapphire. "Man, she's good," he said as he changed back into his tunic with his shirt partially covering it.
CHAPTER 6: MONEY TROUBLES
When he got there Zelda and Navi were over at the "Target Game" winning purple rupees.
"Link, you're back and what's that on your neck?" Zelda asked.
"It's a... hickey... in the shape of the Zora Sapphire," he said blushing quite a bit. Navi stretched her arms and yawned.
"So can we like, go back to the Market? My feet are killing me and I really wanna go to bed in a nice comfortable inn," asked Navi.
"Okay, if you are that tired we'll take a shortcut," she said as she took out the Ocarina of Time and began playing. Soon they were transported from the Village to the Market. It was overflowing with rupees.
"Hey Zelda, Navi, I'm going to get a new Hylian shield. This one pretty much had it," he said. The shield had huge dents from the raining rupees and the handle was ready to fall off. He picked up a purple rupee, a red rupee, and two blue ones. He than walked over in the bazaar.
"Can I help you?" the shop owner asked.
"Yeah, I need a new Hylian shield," he replied.
"One moment." He began to dig through some items and pulled out a brand new shield. "5,000,000 rupees please."
"WHAT?! THAT'S CRAZY! HYLIAN SHIELD ARE ONLY 80 RUPEES NOT FIVE MILLION!" he shouted as he pounded the counter.
"Listen, you must have been gone for a while. Don't you realize the serious inflation the raining rupees has caused. It now costs about 1,000 rupees for a small bag of flour. I'm practically giving you a discount since you're my number one customer. Now go outside and try to get enough rupees for your shield," he said as he placed the shield back in its place.
Link left cursing to himself and began scooping up rupees.
"Link, I thought you were going to get a new shield?" asked Navi.
"I was, but I was a little short on money," replied Link.
"Well, how much more do you need, we'll help you collect it."
"Oh, I dunno... about 4,999,920 more," he said sarcastically.
They looked at each other and they walked over to the alley. They came back with a couple of wheel barrels and shovels.
"This is going to take awhile," he replied as they began scooping rupees.
3,490,158 rupees and 23 cents later....
They were sweating hard and Navi had one thing on her mind.
"Man, being rich sucks!" she said out loud as she wiped sweat off her face.
"Owww, I think I pulled something," said Zelda as she gripped her arm.
"Let me see," said Link. "Hmmm, I'll go get a healer," he said and soon he came back with the local healer. He looked at her arm and pulled some purple potion and had her drink it. Soon the pain stopped and it got better, then the healer turned to Link.
"My bill," he said as he pulled a piece of paper out. Link took one look at it, his pointed ears drooped and so did his mouth.
"Nine... nine... nine billion rupees for a strained arm?!" he muttered.
"I expect to be paid by tomorrow. I suggest you take it easy or risk spending another nine billion on another one," he said as he went back to his office.
"And I complained about being broke," he said. "Well ladies, looks like we got a long night ahead of us if we are to pay for this bill," he said as he began shoveling more rupees.
The next day after shoveling rupees all night they finally got enough to pay for the bill and shield. They were sleeping under a tree (they were too tired to walk to the castle and a room at the inn would top the healer's bill.) All of a sudden a Hylian solder ran to the sleeping trio.
"My Princess, wake up, I have urgent news," he said shaking Zelda.
"Huh... what is it?" she said as she fixed her tiara.
"You remember how some of the farmers wished for rain up on the hilltops?"
"And you told us how some wishes had some hooks?"
"Um....think about it."
CHAPTER 7: RAIN, RAIN GO AWAY
"LINK, NAVI WAKE UP"
"zzzzzzzzzz not now Zelda," said Navi.
"zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz if it's Ganon, let him kill me just as long as I get a few more winks of *yawn* sleep." Zelda began flushing a bright red. She pulled out the Ocarina of Time and plays the Song of Storms. Unfortunately the wish was still there and more rupees fell instead of rain.
"God damn it," she said as she chucked the ocarina to the ground. "Listen, if you two don't get up RIGHT NOW, I'll... I'll... I'll tell everyone about "The Faces of Evil" and "Zelda's Adventure" (these were two old Zelda games that were on the Philips-CDi. Don't try to find them. They were BAD!!) Link and Navi immediately got up. Link pulled out his Master Sword and pointed it at Zelda.
"DON'T YOU EVEN THINK OF LETTING THEM KNOW ABOUT THOSE EMBARRASSMENTS OR I'LL LET EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT "THE WAND OF GAMELON" ON THE PHILIPS-CDi THAT WAS WORST THAN THE OTHER TWO COMBINED!!" he shouted.
"YOU WOULDN'T DARE!!!"
"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!! FORGET ABOUT THE STUPID PHILIPS-CDi. THAT WAS THEN AND THIS IS NOW. ZELDA, WE'RE AWAKE NOW WHAT IS SO WHAT WAS IT YOU WERE TRYING TO TELL US?!"
"Remember how Malon wished for the butter churner to churn butter for her but it would not stop. Well it's the same situation with the farmers and the constant raining is flooding the fields."
"That's it, who here votes that we hunt down Eliga and tar and feather the little runt?" asked Link. All three of them raised their hand.
"Look we can't worry about that now. We need to save the fields before all the crops are ruined, and food is already expensive enough as it is," said Navi. She ran towards a horse, did a flip and vaulted on the saddle. Link was impressed. Zelda and Link ran and got Epona and they took the five mile trip to the fields. When they got there....
"Man, they weren't kidding about the too much rain," said Link. The corn had sunk all the way down to their tassels. The wheat had leaned all the way to the ground. And there are some fields that look more like Lake Hylia then an actual field. However when Navi jumped off her horse something happened. As soon as she took around seven steps....
"LINK, HELP ME I'M SINKING!" The ground was so saturated with water that the dirt turned into quicksand and the former fairy sunk deeper and deeper.
"NAVI!!!" he shouted. He pulled out his hover boots and rushed over to her. Even though the ability to float in air is short, the ability to be super light lasts a long time. Only her hand was showing right now so he had to hurry before she suffocated. He pulled and pulled with all his might but all of a sudden his Gauntlets slip off and she sinks beneath the surface.
"NOOOOO!" he screamed. He started digging to find her.
"LINK CATCH!" Zelda called out. She threw his Hookshot to him. He aimed and fired. The Hookshot's clamp shot straight into the mud and grabbed something. He retracted it but only came up with a old tree limb. Navi had been in the mud for about a minute. He had only enough time for one shot. He aimed carefully trying to remember where exactly he last saw her hand, fired and prayed. This time the clamp got something heavy as he retracted the hook with all his strength. Finally, he pulled her out... but why does she seem so still? He got her to more solid ground and laid her down. He examined her carefully for a brief moment. He then did artificial respiration on her. she didn't even flinch. He tried again but to no avail.
"C'mon Navi BREATH DAMN IT!" he said as he tried again and finally she began coughing up dirt and mud.
"Link... *cough* I... *cough cough* thought I was...." she broke down crying. Link comforted her. He couldn't believe he almost lost his partner and friend. "Link *sniff* I want to be a fairy again," she said as tears ran down her eyes. "Why did I had to make that wish? I never realize how hard it was being Hylian. I never even thought of the consequences of being Hylian like pain, or fear, or even death. Now that I experienced them *sniff* ...I don't like it," she said as he helped her up.
"How do we stop this wish though?" asked Zelda.
"Easy, the Song of Storms power is to create storms as well as to end them and *cough* because we are outside the castle it won't rain rupees," said Navi.
"I wonder why I didn't think of that," said Zelda as she played and soon the raining stopped. As soon as that happened there was a clapping. They turned around and there sitting on an old tree stump was Eliga the imp.
"YOU!!! DID YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH TROUBLE AND DAMAGE YOUR 'GIVING ONE WISH TO EVERYONE' HAS CAUSED?!! "Link shouted.
"Well ain't my fault you Hylians can't make decent wishes. Maybe I can help you with your wishing," said Eliga.
"We don't need your help. Besides, we all used our one wish and we didn't like it, not a one," said Navi.
"Actually, I haven't used my wish yet," squeaked Zelda. Eliga snapped his fingers and teleported to Zelda's arms.
"Now what can I do for you, tall and beautiful," he said as Zelda giggled from the compliment. Link folded his arms and rolled his eyes.
"Look, you can't trust imps. You saw what they were capable of and every single wish has caused us nothing but trouble. Man, those guys at 'Planet Hyrule' were right. We heroes are always rescuing you princesses from every single thing that is evil. Just forget about the wish and drop him. He's only trouble."
"Link, I don't need you to tell me what to do. I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF," she stated back.
"WELL HOW COME YOU GET KIDNAPPED NEARLY EVERY SINGLE GAME THEN!" shouted Link with his arms in the air.
"WELL IT AIN'T MY FAULT THAT I'M ROYALTY AND IT'S THE BASIC PLOT ON OUR FRANCHISE!" she screamed as she dropped the imp.
"THAT'S-- WHERE THE HERO COMES IN AND HAS TO WASTE HIS FUCKING SEVEN YEARS JUST TO SAVE THE STUPID PRINCESS AFTER SHE GETS KIDNAPPED FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME! I WOULD KILL JUST TO SEE YOU BE THE HERO OF TIME. NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE TO PROTECT THE LAND AND THE TRIFORCE BUT YOU GOT TO SAVE THE DAMN PRINCESS EVERY TIME SHE STUMBLES INTO EVERY SINGLE STUPID TRAP WHILE AVOID GETTING KILLED YOURSELF, BITCH!" he yelled as he threw his sword to the ground.
Zelda let out a gasp. "HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT! WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, ASSHOLE. BEING ROYALTY ISN'T AS EASY AS YOU THINK! YOU HAVE TO KEEP UP TREATIES, LISTEN TO EVERYONE AND ENSURE YOUR PEOPLE GETS THE BEST OF SECURITY!" she shouted back as they both turn their back on each other. Eliga walked up to Zelda.
"Zelda, you think it's so unfair that women are always being the ones who are constantly put in danger and always get kidnapped, right?" he asked her. She sighed.
"Why can't he get it through his thick skull about all the dangers I face? It's so unfair that I was born a princess and forced into this life while Link on the other hand was born to be the greatest warrior of all time," she said as she crossed her arms.
"Well, you still have one wish, and it can be anything you want, IF--you get my drift." he said nudging her with his elbow. Zelda's eyes shifted to the little man and a smile grew on her face. She then walked over to Navi who was still wringing the mud from her dress.
"Navi, what happened ten minutes ago?" she asked.
"Easy, I was drowning in mud," she replied.
"Well that and the fact that a guy saved you."
"I don't get it."
Zelda began whispering in her ear.
"Zelda are you sure you want to do this?"
"Positive," she then turned over to Link. "I WISH THAT WE WOMEN WERE THE HEROES AND LINK AND ALL KNIGHTS WHO COMPLAINED THAT PRINCESSES NEED TO BE KIDNAPPED MORE OFTEN, ARE ROYALTY!" she said as there was a bright flash.
Link woke up. It was morning and the sun was shining.
"Man, that was SOME dream. Hey Navi, you wouldn't believe what I dreamt... last... night... hey wait a moment... this ain't my tree house!" he said as he looked around the room and there was a knock at the door.
"Sire, your royal subjects are waiting for you," said the man at the door.
CHAPTER 8: ZELDA: WARRIOR PRINCESS
Link couldn't believe it. The wish came true and now he was forced to be a Prince. "What do I do?" he said pacing back and forth till he looked down. "Okay, first I need to put some clothes on." He ran to the closet and remembered that Zelda told him that each stack represented a different day. He picked the first pile he saw and threw it on the bed. Then he realized there were 38 different pieces. "HOW MUCH CLOTHES DOES IT TAKE TO GET DRESSED EVERY MORNING?!" he said as he threw it to the floor. Then there was a knocking at the door and it opened.
"Sire, I'm here to help you with your dressing," said a thin young man standing near his door.
"Uh I don't feel too comfortable...." but before he could finish Eliga the imp appeared.
"Just let him dress you, it ain't no big deal, it's simply his job," said the imp.
"What are you doing here?" said Link.
"Sire, who are you talking to?" he said.
"Link, I made myself invisible so you, Zelda, and Navi are the only ones who can see me," said Eliga.
"Ummm, nothing. I was just surprised that you came in," he replied trying to cover up Eliga.
After Link was dressed he walked into the throne room. He was wearing a crown with some pants and a shirt that had the traditional red bird and Triforce embedded in it. Link was surprised at all the people in the room. One group consisted of some twins.
"We, from the Atari Territory wish to bring you Chicken Tezzirat from our lands in the name of peace," they said as they bowed down and presented him a plate of the Atarian dish.
"Link, take the Chicken Tezzirat and eat it, it's a way of showing your gratitude towards them," said Eliga. Link did what he was told and the twins smiled and left.
"Wow, if this is all I have to do to promote peace in Hyrule... I could get use to this." He leaned back on the throne as more groups from other lands greeted him with food and presents.
After everyone had gone Link walked over to the Temple of Time. The Master Sword was gone from its pedestal.
"Hmmm, I wonder who else could have pulled it out?" he said sarcastically.
"Yep, now Zelda has the Triforce of Courage while you have the Triforce of Wisdom," said Eliga.
"Really?" He looked at the back of his palm and saw the left side of the Triforce was glowing instead of the right. "Well I'll be." He went over to the stables and brought out a white horse. He planned on heading to Hylian Field to see what happened to Zelda. As he was about to leave a solder stopped him.
"Prince Link, you can't go out yet," said the solder.
"Why can't I?" he asked.
"You forgot your bodyguards," he said as 18 of them ran up to him.
"What?! I can take care of myself," he said.
"Sire, if you fall into enemy hands the kingdom is doomed. If you are to travel any where you need as many bodyguards as possible."
"Fine!" he groaned as he climbed atop of the white horse and they went over to Hylian Field. No sooner did they travel about a mile and a half when 20 Stalfos appeared.
Link reached back for his sword when he remembered. "Oh yeah I never pulled out the Master Sword."
"My Lord, stay behind us, we won't let them lay a finger on ya*gah*" said one solder as a Stalfo stabbed him in the gut. Link watched in horror as the men tried their best to protect him. Unfortunately they only killed seven Stalfos and the last of his bodyguards just got slashed to bits. Link hopped off his horse and ran up to one of the solder's swords. However when he tried to pick it up.
"Ugghh, why is this thing so heavy?" he said. But when he gets it in the air he weaved back and fort trying to keep it steady.
"Simple Link, since you were never a hero, and because you are royalty, you were pampered all your life... well take a look at your arm and flex it," said Eliga. Link dropped the sword, rolled up his sleeve and flexed his arm. It was not muscular or broad, instead it was thin and weak.
"Well maybe it would be easier to prove how strong the wish was if you got a chance to fight." And with that Eliga conjured up a sword that weighed less. Link picked it up but when he tried to slash at the Stalfo, not only was he slow, but his swing completely missed and he fell to the ground flat on his face. Link looked at his hands and they were limp instead of tense. He was already short of breath from the exertion. Link had a look of horror on his face. All his sword skills, agility, speed, endurance, and bravery... were gone.
The Stalfo laughed merrily as it was about to slice the former hero's head off when something began coming towards the Stalfo. A Charkum (from the show 'Xena') came hurtling towards the Stalfo and cut right through, then it bounced off a tree hitting two more in a blink of the eye. Soon it was caught by the very hand that threw it.
"Ay ay ay ay ay yah!" as the figure flipped over and kicked the Stalfo off its feet.
"Zelda?!" said Link totally astonished.
Zelda was decked out in black leather that reached to her waist and had more strips of leather. She had knee high boots and was wearing a bronze breastplate with the Master Sword in one hand and a grin on her face.
"Hee Yah!" she screamed as she began twirling the sword and blocking every swipe from three Stalfos. She then performed a cheerleader kick and snapped one of the Stalfo's head off and jumped in the air and hit the other two Stalfos at once. Zelda knew there was a Stalfo behind her. But she didn't care because all of a sudden Navi, carrying a wooden staff, charged towards it and began whacking the Stalfo into pieces.
Navi wore only a green top that showed her belly button with a brown mini skirt. Five Stalfos were left and they surrounded the warrior duo. Zelda and Navi looked at each other but knew what to do. Navi ducked and Zelda gave the Master Sword a quick charge and spun killing all five of them. Link got up and slowly walked up to them.
"Zelda? Navi?" he said still surprised.
"Hello Prince Link. How's life in Hyrule Castle?"
"Okay, except getting dressed and having about a billion bodyguards. How's being a hero working out?"
"Great. I had never felt so exuberant in my entire life! How could you ever complain on having a bad life?"
"Guess I always took it for granted and never really appreciated at how skilled I was till it was gone," he said as he looked at his hands. Zelda looked at the sadness in his eyes. She walked up and put her arms around him.
"I know being royal is new and different from saving the world and traveling through time but it will get better. In the mean time why don't you use your new found power and enjoy life. I was scared in the beginning since me and Navi had to sleep outdoors. We had to be aware all times, afraid a thief may come and rob us but we adjusted and so will you." She concluded her statement with a kiss on the cheek.
"Guess now I have to rely on bodyguards from now on," he said smiling. Besides, he kind've liked the idea of Zelda running around in skin-tight leather. Unfortunately, he was deeply upset about losing every skill he ever gained. He needed time to think so he decided to head over to Planet Hyrule.
When he got there, he was shocked that all the knights he meet before were also in royal attire.
"So one minute I was saving this beautiful maiden from a gargoyle. The next minute I couldn't even walk in my suit of armor cause it was so heavy and the maiden I was saving, turned out to be saving me and was performing karate kicks and judo swipes!"
"I hear you man."
"God I wish for the golden days back when the women were weak and pathetic," said Link.
"I'll drink to that," said the knight as they clicked glasses.
Back at Hyrule Field....
Zelda was polishing her new Master Sword while Navi was reading an EGM Magazine.
"Zelda, when do you think we will save someone again?" asked Navi.
"Well according to the time and the day of the week... wait a moment... three... two... one...." A messenger came running up to Zelda gasping for breath.
"Zelda you must hurry, Prince Link has been captured by Volvagia, the dragon of Death Mountain Crater."
"Wow that was fast, I had only been a warrior sidekick for half a day and already I'm saving Link again," said Navi as she and Zelda climbed on their horses.
"I will send a psychic massage... oh wait a moment, I forgot he has my powers while I have his skills." She and Navi head over to Death Mountain Crater.
Meanwhile at Death Mountain Crater....
Link was chained to a rock and had one thing on his mind....
"This is BORING. How long does it take for someone to rescue me?" he asked the dragon.
The dragon let off a snort of fire. "Around a hour after the message is delivered. Give or take a couple minutes," he replied.
"Hmmm, looks like I'm going to be here for a while. No matter, move my pawn that's near the bishop up one and that puts you in checkmate," he said.
"Hey, that's not fair," the dragon snorted some more fire. "You're cheating. You have been using the Triforce of Wisdom, HAVEN'T YOU!"
"Well I maybe smart now, but that doesn't mean I'm honest. Well what else do you want to do?" asked Link.
"You burnt the last deck."
"Can I be the dog?"
"As long as I'm the thimble"
While Volvagia and Link bought properties and passed Go several times, Zelda and Navi were on the Death Mountain trail.
"Why didn't I wish I was Supergirl so I could fly up to Death Mountain Crater instead of trudging up it?" said Zelda.
"Well you DID want to save Link and this is the shortest path to Death Mountain Crater."
"It was so much easier being the one who gets kidnapped though. That dragon still owes me 500 rupees from our game of Poker last week. Damn, I could've used the Ocarina to teleport us up there."
"So does this mean you want to go back to being a Princess?" asked Navi.
"Hardly. If Link could do this so can I. I refuse to let him show me up so he can brag about how I couldn't handle being the Hero of Time. I'll show him that I am not some weak Princess and that I can take care of myself now," said Zelda.
Zelda then heard a ruffling in a bush. She drew her Master Sword while Navi had her staff ready. All of a sudden dozens of tektites appeared. They began swiping and clobbering at the creatures but there were so many it seemed impossible. They would kill five and ten more would come out.
"Where are they coming from? I've taken this trail many times but there has never been this many at once!" commented Navi as she blocked another tekitite.
"We have one chance!" said the desperate Princess she conjured up Din's fire and toasted all the tekitites.
"That was close," said Navi.
"How could you and Link stand stuff like this everyday?" Zelda asked as she wiped clean her sword.
"You get use to it," Navi replied.
"How far is it to Death Mountain Crater?"
Back at Death Mountain Crater....
"HA, you landed on my Boardwalk with a hotel, you owe me 2,000 rupees!" shouted Link.
The dragon started cussing to himself as he counted his money. "God damn it! I'm short 300 rupees. Thanks a lot, now I'll have to mortgage my railroads."
"Hey Volvagia. It's been 58 minutes. I better get back to my chains now."
"You're right. I'll put the board up while you look sad, hopeless and pathetic," said Volvagia as he gathered all the pieces and the board and flew off to hide it under a rock.
"I can't believe I got captured in the first place," Link mumbled to Eliga.
"Well I wasn't there at that moment so tell me what happened."
"All I remember was that as soon as I left 'Planet Hyrule' I saw Volvagia flying towards me."
"What did you do?"
"I tried to do a tucked roll to get out of the way but I lost that ability. To tell you the truth all I had to do was stand at the doorway and he couldn't get me."
"Well why didn't you?"
"Cause I was too drunk to have any sense at that moment." All of a sudden Zelda and Navi appeared.
"Link, we came to get you out," said Navi as Zelda took the Master Sword and cut his chains. However Volvagia picked that moment to check on him.
"HEY, YOU CAN'T RESCUE HIM YET! HE'S THE BEST MONOPOLY PLAYER I EVER HAD!" said Volvagia.
"WHAT!!! I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR BEST PLAYER," Zelda shouted.
"You're a hero now. I don't like you anymore. Now you have to kill me instead of playing board games like 'Chutes and Ladders.'"
"So be it," said Zelda as she took out her bow and fired at Volvagia. Volvagia responded by flying to the top of the cave and rocks began raining down. One hits Zelda in the leg and bruises it.
"OWWWW!" she screamed as she looked at her leg. Volvagia then released a blast of fire but before it could hit her, Zelda took out the Mirror Shield and repelled some of the flame away from her. Zelda looked at her hair and a huge lock of it was burnt at the tips.
"THAT'S IT! YOU THINK YOU'RE SO SMART DON'T YOU? WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING! I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY YOU MORE TIMES THAN I COULD COUNT AND I KNOW EVERY ONE OF YOUR WEAKNESSES!!" She pulled out the Megaton Hammer, threw it and the rocks rained down on Volvagia till he was trapped.
"Link, use your Ocarina of Time and teleport us to the Temple of Time," shouted Zelda. Link did what he was told and soon they were there.
"Hmmmmm, so that's what happens while you are kidnapped," said Link.
"'Fraid so. I never believed at how far you travel just to get to a couple minutes of excitement. *sigh* It was so much easier when all you do is wait for the hero to come while beating a dragon in "Old Maid." Owww, my leg hurts," she said as she clenched it with a tear in her eye.
"Here, let me see it," he said. Zelda propped her leg on his knee. "Hmmmm, don't worry, it just needs some red potion and it will be fine tommorrow." he said as he pours a bottle on it.
"When it was done Zelda kept crying. Link moved towards her and hugged her trying to comfort her. "Link, do these kind of wounds happen all the time?" she asked.
"More often then you think, but you will get use to it," he said but all of a sudden they hear a noise.
"What was that?" asked Navi. Zelda pulled her sword out while Link stood behind her. Out of the bushes walked Eliga.
"I see none of you are satisfied with your wish," he said as he walked towards them. "Navi wanted to be Hylian but never comprehended the responsibilities of eating, walking, sleeping or fear. Zelda wanted to be a hero to save people and see different places but never saw how special her position with being the Princess of Hyrule or the seventh sage. Link obviously never gave his bunny-form a chance even though I was hoping he would. That would have been so funny."
"Yeah, we know. Now we have to live with it forever," said Zelda.
"Not really, all you have to do is have someone wish everything was back to normal."
"How can we, everyone already used their wish?" Navi asked.
"Not everyone. There are two people in this land who hasn't used their one wish and you're talking to one of them," said Eliga.
"You?!" said Zelda.
"Well I did say everyone gets a wish, didn't I?" replied Eliga.
"Well why don't you wish for everything to go back to normal again?" asked Navi.
"Because I need you all in your altered state to get my pendent, or should I say pendants back," said Eliga.
CHAPTER 9:THE STRANGE TESTS FOR THE PENDANTS
"So if we get your pendants you will take back the wishes?" asked Zelda.
"Deal, so... where are all the pendants located and what boss do we have to beat?" asked Link.
"Actually they are tests. Hmmmm.... maybe it's best if I have a flashback to better explain it....
A long time ago. Back before any of you were even born, I had a special pendent that my mother gave to me before she died. It contained something very special within. But one day I was teasing a wizard but he got so made that he snatched my pendent, broke it into three pieces and put them into three places that I am not permitted to enter. You could see that when Link first found me in that hole and I could not get out even though I had the power to teleport. That is where the first part of my pendant is at. The second part is over in The Lost Woods while the third part is at Lake Hylia. Each area has a specific test and you must pass it to get the piece of the pendant. "So why do you need us to be in this form instead of the way we were?" asked Navi.
"Navi, you know the Lost Woods better then anyone I ever met but the test you face requires some physical effort that your fairy form could not accomplish. Zelda, you are to head towards Lake Hylian because your task is something that is too scary that Link would never be able to do. Link... I'm pissed at you because your task at Hyrule Field required you to be a bunny and now I have to waste magic just to change you back."
"YOU MEAN I'VE TO BE A BUNNY AGAIN?!!!" he said standing straight up.
"Yep, now hold still cause this will only take a brief moment," he said as he transformed him back into a rabbit.
"This sucks," said Link as he was back to having a cotton tail and long floppy ears.
The trio went their separate ways to find the pendant pieces and to go through their tests. Link hopped through Hyrule Field going back to the hole that started it all. Link finally reached it and hopped down the hole. There was a small crawlspace that was only big enough to fit himself. As soon as he got to the other side he heard a voice.
"Are you the one who wishes to take the challenge to earn the pendant?" it said.
"Then here is your challenge. You must out run the dogs in this race."
"WHAT?!" he said as he heard gates unlatch and soon he was off. He could hear the barking mutts chase him as they closer and closer and closer. Link leaned tight on the curves as he heard the laughter of the mysterious voice. The finish line was up ahead and finally he crossed it. All of a sudden the pendant piece appeared in his paw.
"Yeesh he wasn't kidding about being a rabbit to get the piece," said Link as he crawled out of the hole.
In the Lost Woods....
"Let's see here. I need to take a turn over here and make a left there. The door should be right here," said Navi as she felt through the brush and found a handle and opened it. There was a voice.
"Welcome, you must be Navi. Does thou wish to take the test to receive thy pendant?" said the voice.
"Y-Y-Yes sir," she squeaked.
"You must answer three questions first. When a horse has broken its leg and you don't have any potion to heal it, how can the horse be able to perform well in combat?
Navi thought for a moment. "A horse is never in combat. Warriors use stallions because horses are trained for personal transportation."
"Very good, now riddle number two. Weeds that are crushed and burned, skin of a dead animal and an unborn baby. What time of day is it?"
"Easy, it's in the morning, cause what you described was toast, bacon, and eggs. All eaten at breakfast," she said.
"Last question, how old is The Hero of Time?"
Navi began to sweat a bit. "Is he ten or is he seventeen? Do they actually count those seven years?" she questioned herself and finally she had to guess.
The pendant appeared in her hand.
"Hey wait a moment, I thought that imp said there is something about physical fitness?" she said.
"He did. When you get the pendant the only way out is through those doors," said the strange voice. Navi walked up to the doors and opened them. Through it was a pit full of lava and platforms that were barely nine inches wide.
"Your wings wouldn't have made it since the steam would've made them falter," said the voice. "Besides you *snicker* did say you wanted more action while wishing to be Hylian.
Navi took her staff and pole-vaulted over to the first rock. She hopped from rock to rock. She could smell her boots begin to burn. She was almost there and when she came to her last rock she jumped to the ledge and crawled to the top. She breathed hard and walked to the exit.
At Lake Hylia Zelda was crawling down the hole to get the last pendant.
"Are you Zelda, the one who wishes to get the piece of pendant?" said the odd voice.
"Are you prepared to summon all your courage and ignore all fears to complete the task ahead of you?"
"I can take whatever monster, demon, or witch you throw at me," she said as she pulled out the Master Sword."
"You do not need the Master Sword but you will however, need the Triforce of Courage. Now enter the doors and prepare for your test," it said.
Zelda walked through the doors and there in the room was a chair. She sat in it but all of a sudden her legs and chest were clamped to the it. She could hear a sinister laughter.
"ZELDA, YOU OUT OF ALL MY CHALLENGERS WILL RECEIVE THE HARDEST TEST OF ALL! ONE THAT YOU WILL REGRET EVER TAKING! YOU MUST PLAY THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: THE WAND OF GAMELON FOR FIFTEEN WHOLE MINUTES, BWHA HA HA HA HA!"
"NOOOOOO!" she screamed. She tried to pull off the restraints to escape from the chair but remembered she needed that pendant. Her hands quivered as she picked up the controller.
"Why don't we have your friends Link the Bunny and Navi the Hylian watch your TORMENT!!!" it said as it teleported Link and Navi there.
"Hey, how did we get here?" asked Link.
"Oh my god is that 'The Wand of....'" said Navi
"Shhh, don't even say that name," Link interrupted.
After five minutes....
"Link, get me out of here! I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!" Zelda shrieked.
"You have to try Zelda, I can't protect Hyrule as a rabbit," he said.
After ten minutes....
"Navi, it's too quiet in there. Go check on Zelda and make sure she still has a pulse."
"She looks pale and I think she is mumbling the evil voodoo of the Y-nos Tribe," she replied.
Finally, after fifteen minutes passed; Zelda emerged shaking violently from the room with the pendant piece.
"Zelda, are you all right?" asked Navi. Zelda quickly ran back to the room and Navi and Link ran after her. They watched her as she took out the Master Sword and began to hack the machine into many many pieces.
"When I become Princess again, all Philip-Cdi consoles will be tossed into a pile and BURNED!!!" she shouted as she threw the TV against the wall. Then all of a sudden they heard a laughter. They listened carefully and could see a hidden door. They opened it.
"ELIGA?!" they said unanimously.
"Uh oh," he said as Zelda grabbed his collar and pulled him up to her.
"So... let me get this straight... earlier you told us you cannot go into the rooms where the tests are being held!" she said as she pulled her Master Sword out.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE PENDANTS FOR?!" asked Link as he thrust his at Eliga. Eliga took the pendant, peeled the cover off and popped it in his mouth. Zelda took her pendant out and did the same.
"Chocolate? I SAT FIFTEEN FREAKING MINUTES PLAYING 'THE WAND OF GAMELON' ON THE PHILIPS CDi FOR A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE?!!!"
"Uh, can't you take a joke?" he said as he sweated heavily while squeezing out a smile.
"A joke... you mean to say that we didn't have to do these stupid tests and that all this time it was a JOKE!!" said Navi, her face flaming red.
"Okay, okay I'll reverse the wishes." With a snap of his fingers there was a flash of white and the trio found themselves back at Hyrule Field. They looked at themselves and saw they were back to normal. Eliga was no where to be found and all the local people acted like nothing had ever happened.
"So, everything is the same again," said Zelda.
"Yeah well, now that I look back at it, it really wasn't that bad, it was actually kind of fun being prince for a day but I rather stay the Hero of Time."
"I know, it was great to see what it was like to walk or ride a horse but I think I will also stay a fairy. "
"Missed me," said Eliga who suddenly appeared.
"What did YOU come back for?" asked Link.
"Well, I played many jokes on millions of people, giving them wishes and watching all the fun. Sometimes the wishes were dark and violent while some were cute and funny. But you all were the best and I had the most fun with you. So I just wanted to say goodbye. Now I'm going to go to the person who never made their wish yet and tell him so he won't feel left out in a few minutes, BYE." He then teleported out.
"Hey Link, what's wrong?" asked Navi.
"Nothing's wrong , it's just that well.... who IS the only person who hasn't used their wish?" asked Link as he looked over at the horizon.
Meanwhile in Gerudo Fortress....
"SOULA, WHAT'S TAKING YOU SO LONG IN THERE!!!" shouted Ganondorf.
"I'm sorry master but the fire is very weak and I cannot cook the candied yams fast enough. You will have to wait another hour," she said as she threw more wood into the fire.
"Damn it, Soula! I have been waiting for three hours already for my dinner! God, I wish you would hurry up and finish those candied yams," he said. Then there was a flash of light and a second later....
"I'm finished master," the young slave said as she brought a plate of candied yams.
"What the...." said Ganondorf as he looked somewhat puzzled over what happened. "How did she?" All of a sudden Eliga appeared.
"Hello Ganondorf. I'm here to tell you that you have... oh, I see you already spent it," said Eliga.
"Spent what?" he said rising up.
"Oh... well because one of your enemies saved me from a hole, I granted everyone one wish, including you," said Eliga.
"Wait a moment... you're telling me... I could've gotten anything I ever wanted?" he said wide eyed.
"Anything your heart desires," said Eliga as he teleported away. Ganondorf stood there blankly.
"The Triforce. I could've gotten the Triforce.... INSTEAD I WASTE IT ON A PLATE OF CANDIED YAMS?!!!!!" he screamed as he banged his head against the table and started slashing at everything around.
The Challenge: I hope you enjoyed reading this light-hearted story. It was certainly odd in some places and had tons of spoofs... probably the most I ever fit in one little story. But it was so much fun to write that I challenge you to try to make your own "One Wish" story. You can have the characters(or any characters you created) get whatever they want. Here are the rules though.1) they can have only one wish.
2) there is none of that "I wish for more wishes" crap
3) you have to use my character "Eliga the imp"
4) make sure you E-mail the address below and tell me that you written one so I could read it.
So that's it. Anything else is fine. You can limit the one wish to certain people or give one wish to everyone like I did. Maybe you can have Ganon wish to have a atomic bomb and nuke Hyrule, maybe have Mido or any of the other Kokori wish to grow, heck you can wish for Link to score with Zelda (earn his "Hero of Time" fringe benefits) for all I care; it's your choice. Well make sure to send me some feedback on what you think of my story at my friend's e-mail address at Topaz989@email.com
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